3019: [Part 1] How to Have a Successful Relationship by Alysha Jeney of Modern Love Counseling on Healthy Relationships

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, How to Have a Successful Relationship, Part 1, by Alysha Jeney of ModernLoveCounseling.com What is a successful relationship? What does a successful relationship even look like? We may have all considered these questions at some point in our lives. Often my clients and I use words such as healthy or successful when describing goals within their treatment.

[00:00:26] Many of my clients initially start their process by describing their conflicts and frustrations. It's not uncommon to hear, the way we argue is unhealthy. We desperately need help communicating so we can have a successful marriage. A common misconception is that learning to communicate more effectively will fix your relational issues with your girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, or partner.

[00:00:50] Although my counseling style teaches better communication and listening skills, it is not the only component when it comes to creating a successful relationship. Although communication is a key factor in enhancing understanding and facilitating connection, it is, in my opinion, that communication itself can't sustain a successful relationship or deepen the connection and intimacy entirely.

[00:01:14] So, then what the heck is a successful relationship and what's the effective recipe to get there? A healthy, successful relationship is an evolution of two people that possess the same level of commitment, self-awareness slash vulnerability, and mutual respect. Unfortunately, a successful relationship does not have a finish line, and it's more about feeling a deep sense of security rather than having a distinguishable accomplishment within the partnership.

[00:01:42] It challenges our traditional definitions of success, and it begins when two people know and understand themselves, or are consistently open to trying to. The evolution of creating a successful relationship happens when two people push their own boundaries to jeopardize their emotional safety with each other. It happens when both partners really understand themselves to the core of their emotions, needs, behaviors, and insecurities.

[00:02:08] This is the bulk of vulnerability, which inspires natural relational growth and security. To be clear, being in a successful relationship does not void you or your partner of struggle. Nor does it mean you are an expert communicator at all times. Creating a successful relationship is more about knowing yourself well enough to acknowledge when you are reacting in a way that is pushing your partner away. It's forcing yourself to be vulnerable, no matter how terrifying it may be.

[00:02:37] It's committing to your own self-development just as much as it's committing to loyalty to your partner. It's knowing when your pride is in overdrive and your defenses are clogging your ability to be honest and authentic to yourself and or to your partner. It is then when communication is extremely helpful. When you can articulate your needs and fears in a de-escalated way and ask for what you need, your partner hears you.

[00:03:02] You cannot effectively communicate or begin the evolution of creating a successful relationship if you are always defensive, hurtful, or shut down. When you aren't attuned to yourself or are not aware of your behaviors, intentions, and needs. This is why I'm suggesting that being a good communicator is more than just using I statements and actively listening to each other.

[00:03:25] Being in a successful relationship requires vulnerability and self-awareness within the communication, which only makes it more effective. Characteristics of a Successful Relationship So what are the characteristics of a successful relationship? In a nutshell, a successful relationship is an evolution of two people that accept the same level of commitment, are working on their self-awareness and or vulnerability, and possess mutual respect for each other.

[00:03:52] These can look different, varying from relationship to relationship, but as long as both people feel they are on the same page about these characteristics, their relationship is in the green. The Same Level of Commitment The same level of commitment can look like two people who are in a relationship for the same intentions. They are both on the same page about these intentions, and are very clear in defining and understanding their boundaries.

[00:04:17] Maybe their only intention is that they love each other, and both are comfortable without a rite of passage labeling their relationship, such as buying a home together or getting engaged or married. Maybe their intentions are that they love each other, but also value the commitment of marriage and are working towards this. This can even look like two people being open about their confusion with commitment, and maybe both of their intentions are to just see where things go. If both people are on the same page about where they stand within the relationship,

[00:04:47] the better they will feel in exploring, or expressing their disinterest in continuing in, the other areas of a successful relationship down the road. To Work on Self-Awareness and Vulnerability To work on self-awareness and vulnerability means that both are open to taking accountability for how they show up in the relationship, consciously and subconsciously. Working on self-awareness means that individually, both people are working on healing their past wounds.

[00:05:15] They are working on being aware of how they might project their unmet needs into the relationship, and they are more attentive to how they feel versus being addicted to an immediate reaction. Working on vulnerability means that each person is working on exposing these emotions, breakthroughs, breakdowns, and needs to their partner as best they can. By doing so, both people will work better as a team because they'll have more compassion and understanding, which only fosters deeper intimacy.

[00:05:44] To Possess Mutual Respect for Each Other To possess mutual respect for each other means that both people are not always happy together. But when they're struggling, they can still be respectful. They can still be dignified. This means that they don't physically, emotionally, or mentally abuse each other at any cost. They are respectful of each other's time, needs, boundaries, and vulnerabilities. This does not mean that a couple does not experience rough patches within the relationship

[00:06:12] that may make both partners forget about their mutual respect for each other. But it does mean that they are inherently respectful of the other person at their core. Respect is something that couples often lose when they are depleted of resources and are burnt out individually, or when a rupture or violation of trust has occurred. Respect can be replenished with two people who have the same level of commitment and intention in the relationship. To be continued

[00:06:42] You just listened to part one of the post titled How to Have a Successful Relationship By Alicia Janey Thank you so much to Alicia. This post has definitely gotten off to a good start, if I do say so myself. I really, really love how she talked about communication here towards the beginning. I kind of worry that I personally have given the impression sometimes that communication is all one might need to save a relationship.

[00:07:11] But like she said, and I am in agreement with, is that while communication is a good skill to possess, it becomes effective communication if we go beyond just self-expression. I spoke recently about how we also want to consider how we can communicate in such a way that it's received by our partners, while still giving us the runway to be honest.

[00:07:34] And then like Alicia said today, we also need to make sure that we've done the type of self-work that enables our communication to come from a place of true vulnerability and self-understanding. Otherwise, communication can just be an argument like anything else, void of respect for one another, and instead only focusing on yelling out your thoughts. So, communication, while important, no doubt, still has nuances that need to be considered.

[00:08:01] And I think Alicia did such a great job of touching upon them today. But there is more to hear in tomorrow's continuation, of course. So let's sign off for now and get excited for part two. Enjoy the rest of your day, everyone, and I will see you back here tomorrow for the remainder of this article, where your optimal life awaits.