3022: Can Understanding Help Us Deal With Our Children's Moods? by Allison Carmen on Supporting Children's Feelings

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Can Understanding Help Us Deal With Our Children's Moods by Allison Carmen of AllisonCarmen.com Quote, When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it's not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce.

[00:00:25] Yet, if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding.

[00:00:50] If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change." End quote. That's by Thich Nhat Hanh. When I read this quote, the first thing that came to mind was, How can I view my children and my husband as lettuce? I loved the idea of not placing blame and being more understanding. But how can I not hold them responsible for their actions?

[00:01:16] So, I started with the thought of some flowers that I bought a few summers ago at a nursery. The woman at the nursery said the flowers would bloom all summer. The irrigation company said that there was enough water going in the area for the flowers to flourish. Yet, a few weeks later, all of these flowers died. Although I wasn't really mad at anyone, things happen. I did wonder about who I might blame for the incident.

[00:01:41] I thought maybe the woman at the nursery made a mistake about how long in the season these flowers live. Maybe the irrigation company was wrong, and they did not get enough water. Or maybe I did a lousy job planting the flowers. But it did not occur to me to blame the flowers. I just felt one of the conditions was not right for the flowers to flourish.

[00:02:02] So, I began to wonder how can I bring this idea into my life so I won't blame and be angry with people I love when I think their behavior is inappropriate or hurtful. Can I see them as the flower that does not thrive under certain conditions? As I contemplated this idea, I started to think about the things that my children do that upset me. One thing that came to mind was how my children act when I pick them up from school.

[00:02:27] I live in a city where many parents drop off and pick up their children from school until they're older. Often, when I showed up at school for pickup, within minutes, one of my children would be cranky, moody, or angry. They would start to argue with each other, or me, and the beautiful afternoon I had imagined unraveled. I would try to explain to them that their behavior was unacceptable and hurtful, and that they should be grateful for this time together.

[00:02:53] But no matter what I said, within days my children went back to their old behavior. And then I thought about the flowers that can't flourish under certain conditions. And it occurred to me that my children were probably tired, or hungry, or maybe something happened at school that day to put them in a bad mood. Maybe the conditions at this time of day are not conditions where my children flourish. Interestingly, the first thing I felt when I believed this thought was less emotional pain.

[00:03:22] My change of perspective helped me give up the idea that things are not always as they should be. I stopped trying to make pickup from school the way I had imagined it would be, and I felt more relaxed and peaceful. I no longer saw the situation as bad or blamed them for their behavior, because I realized the conditions were not ideal for my children to flourish. I started to bring food with me for them to eat on our walk home, and sometimes that calmed them down.

[00:03:49] I practiced a breathing technique before I picked them up, as I was aware of the potential conflicts that lurked around the corner. Most of all, I had compassion for their experience, and understanding for their inability to handle that time of day. I believe my understanding has allowed all of us to move through afternoon pickup with more ease and less heartache. It's still not always perfect, especially when the girls argue. But my inner peace with what's happening helps me stay calm, and say the right thing,

[00:04:18] and work toward creating a condition where they can better thrive. On difficult days, I still speak with them about their behavior when we get home, and I try to make them aware of how their actions affect those around them. I hope that they will learn as they grow up to be kind and loving, even when conditions are not perfect. But for now, I can try to lead by example. And those flowers? I planted them again for this summer, with new soil and more water.

[00:04:45] Let's see if the conditions are better for them to flourish this year. So far, so good. You just listened to the post titled, Can Understanding Help Us Deal With Our Children's Moods? By Allison Carman of AllisonCarman.com Okay, and another dandy from Allison, which we thank her for. The concept of this post is one that I really love.

[00:05:11] And I truly think that this goal of understanding is something we should all be striving for. It's certainly an area of my life that I'm always focusing on. And for what it's worth, one idea that really helps me maintain understanding in difficult situations or interactions is the fact that I've been there so many times myself. You know, we can all remember times in which someone took exception to the way that we were behaving,

[00:05:37] and how that behavior on our part had nothing to do with them, but rather a separate issue that was troubling us. Really, any time we've done something out of character or out of the ordinary, whether or not it was malicious, it's worth keeping in mind when it comes to cultivating better understanding. If we're better able to pay attention to our own lives and connect the dots when one event, one shortage, one disruption affects us in other areas of life,

[00:06:06] we're better prepared to open this possibility for other people. We might also remember how good it feels when others have acknowledged or sympathized with us during these times. It's great to just feel heard, you know? And oftentimes that goes a long way in us calming down and centering ourselves and our attitudes and our behavior. So the question for today is, how can you provide such a great service for someone else? Because surely there are opportunities all around you.

[00:06:35] But with that, we are going to wrap things up for today, everyone. Thank you so much for joining, especially on a Friday when I know you might have some other fun things planned. Have a great day, stay safe, and be sure to tune in tomorrow for the Saturday show. Where your optimal life awaits.