3026: Why Would a Man Date Me If He Doesn't Think I Am the ONE by Evan Marc Katz on Understanding Dating Intentions

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[00:00:48] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Why Would a Man Date Me If He Doesn't Think I Am The One by Evan Mark Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com Evan, I have a lot of male friends who are currently dissatisfied with their relationships. They tell me how they're sure the girl is not the one and how certain things just really bother them. Yet for some reason they do not leave, even after communicating their dissatisfaction and attempting to fix problems to no avail.

[00:01:17] This seems to be some sort of phenomenon that both men and women succumb to. However, my question is, if a man's reasons for staying until you just can't take it anymore are similar to that of a woman's, why on earth are my friends staying with women they feel they are merely settling for? Why not just move on when you know it's not the right fit? Yuri. I can write a novel about this subject, but first I want to ask you a question, Yuri. Why don't you ask your friends?

[00:01:46] Seriously, I'm a happily married dating coach whose relationships never lasted for more than eight months because I didn't want to waste anyone's time. I am literally the last person who can claim to identify with the staying with the wrong one guys. But I'll bet if you ask them in confidence, you will hear most of the things I'm about to mention now. So, why would someone stay in a dissatisfying relationship? Number one, fear. Really, it all comes back to fear. One of my favorite quotes is,

[00:02:17] quote, Anyone who is staying in a dead-end relationship is utterly afraid of failure. What they don't recognize is that being in a bad relationship is failure. Failure isn't being single and dating. Failure is waking up every day dissatisfied, annoyed, hurt, and scared to either confront or leave your partner. Number two, loneliness. For many people, anyone is better than no one.

[00:02:46] For me, and hopefully my readers, every second you're with the wrong person is a second you're not spending looking for the right person. It's called opportunity cost, and it is remarkable how people neglect to calculate the cost of spending four prime years with a person you wouldn't want to marry. But when you build a whole life with someone, you live together, you're integrated into each other's worlds, you've merged friends and family, the thought of extricating yourself is positively terrifying.

[00:03:14] Remove your dissatisfying partner, and suddenly, your dissatisfying world becomes even more lonely and depressing. Number three, sunk costs. I was going to call this section inertia, but it really is more of an extension of loneliness. After you put in a year of dating, you've built up something real. It may not be the thing you want to keep for the rest of your life, but it's more substantial than most of the dates you've been on. The grass isn't always greener, you know?

[00:03:42] It's like standing in a long line for a taco. If you've been in the line for 20 minutes and only moved 10 feet, are you really going to get out of the line now? No, you're going to continue to wait another half an hour to eat your gross $3 taco. Otherwise, you'd have to leave your line and find a new line to wait in. Ugh. People stay in relationships because of the sweat equity they've already put in it, not necessarily because they're enjoying the relationship itself. Number four, inconvenience.

[00:04:12] You know what's really inconvenient? Having to find a new place to live, buying a new couch because your partner owns the old one, realizing that all of your friends are married and hanging out as couples, writing an online dating profile, going on first dates with total strangers, filling up endless weeknights and weekends that were previously occupied by a partner. Sometimes, it's just easier to stay put. Number five, low self-esteem. If you don't like yourself, it's easy to say you deserve this.

[00:04:43] It's easy to think that because you love someone, your relationship should thrive. It's easy to think that your negative, selfish, clueless partner is the best you can do. It's easy to think that all relationships are hard, and that if you continue to do the work, that things will revert back to the way they were in the first month you met. Except, none of that's true. You don't deserve this. Love doesn't conquer all. You can do better. Relationships should not be hard. They should be the source of unconditional love,

[00:05:13] support, laughter, and ease. They are the foundation on which your life is built. And if you're on a shaky foundation, you're not going to have a happy life. So please, Yuri, share this article with your guy friends and tell them to get out now. The stakes are too high, and the rewards are too great to waste your life in a dissatisfying partnership. You just listened to the post titled,

[00:05:40] Why Would a Man Date Me If He Doesn't Think I Am The One? by Evan Mark Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com A very good and, unfortunately, very truthful post from Evan today. It's sort of wowing when we are willing to look at all of the things underneath these ailing relationships, huh? But sometimes, even if we are willing, we aren't able to. It's quite likely that Yuri's friends and the other people out there who are doing something similar

[00:06:08] cannot see these truths, even if they can see that the relationship is not ideal. So if you are one of these people, or know someone who is, ask questions based around the points that Evan made today. Sometimes laying out the errors of our ways, especially if it's done in conjunction with what is being missed out on because of it, like Evan's line about each second you spend with the wrong person being a second that you're spending not looking for the right person, that can be enough to paint the picture a little more clearly.

[00:06:38] But the more vague the consequences are, the less likely action is to be taken. So with that in mind, let's wrap up today's episode and vow to take a more mindful approach to these types of things as we tackle a new week. Thank you so much for listening all the way through, everyone. And I'll talk to you tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.