3028: Am I Wasting My Time in This Relationship? by Melissa Josue of Melissa the Love Coach on Evaluating Your Relationship

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[00:00:58] Dear Melissa, I'm 39 and he's 34. We're both divorced and had a few good dinner dates, movies, and coffee. This has been going on since last October. He disappeared and then he apologized. He came back and I said he was acting like a mean jerk. That he was acting hot and cold. I mentioned that that is not what I'm looking for.

[00:01:20] I explained I want to have a monogamous slash long-term relationship and get to know him. He stated that he wanted something casual. He said he understood what I wanted and mentioned that he wants to take it slow. But when I see him, he puts the moves on me. Holds my hand, kisses me, and is very passionate. Before he was chasing me. Now he answers my texts but is very short.

[00:01:44] We haven't seen each other much. In total, I've seen him five times. I just don't get it. He works third shift and I work days. He doesn't have a girlfriend. We both want kids. I just wish he would be honest with me. When there's something serious on his mind, he doesn't discuss it. He just avoids it or disappears. Lately, he has been letting me know what's going on in his life, but it seems very tough for him. Does this guy want a relationship? Or am I wasting my time?

[00:02:12] Do you think he's playing games with me? Why? What can I do to resolve this? Wanting Resolution Dear Wanting Resolution, Thanks so much for reaching out. I know it's really frustrating when it feels like he's giving mixed messages and you're left wondering what to do. Is he playing games? The bottom line is, mixed messages usually signify that he doesn't know what he wants.

[00:02:38] When guys give mixed messages, they're either deliberately playing games or they have no idea what they want, so then they're just unintentionally playing games. At the end of the day, mixed messages mean that he's just doing what feels good in the moment, but not being conscious of what really makes sense for him, or for you, long term. The problem is, this hot and cold relationship ends up confusing and it hurts the woman he's dating. Are you wasting your time?

[00:03:05] Dating can take a lot out of our time and emotional energy. We want to know whether this relationship is going to be worth it. How can we tell? There are some instances where the relationship is probably not worth your effort, if a happy, healthy relationship is what you really want. You're probably wasting your time if... 1. You and your partner are not aligned in your life visions One of the indicators for long term relationship success is alignment with our partner and our life visions.

[00:03:35] So, think about, what is your life vision? For example, if you dream of traveling all over the world someday, but your partner hates travel, there's a conflict in what you envision as a fulfilling life. Another example I like to use is, if you dream of being a mom someday, but your partner can't stand children, it's going to be very difficult, if not impossible, to live that dream of being a mom if your partner doesn't support your dream.

[00:04:02] This doesn't appear to be a problem in your case, since you both want kids. But nevertheless, I would encourage you to think about, What are your big dreams for your life? What does a fulfilling life look like for you? Are you both compatible when it comes to the way that you want to live your lives? And, is he someone who could celebrate and support your dreams? 2. Your needs and relationship requirements are continually going unmet

[00:04:30] Another indicator for long term relationship success is if your needs and relationship requirements are getting met. Ultimately, we're responsible for getting our own needs and relationship requirements met, meaning we're responsible for choosing partners who are aligned with our values, who meet our relationship requirements, and who can support our needs. For example, what if you have a requirement that your partner doesn't lie to you, and that he is always forthright with what he's thinking and feeling?

[00:04:59] Well, if he's not doing that, then there's a requirement that's going unmet. Then you have to decide how you want to address that unmet requirement or unmet need. Some options might be, you can problem solve the issue or leave the relationship. If you're going to problem solve, think about how long you'd be willing to problem solve for, and what would be your criteria for leaving? What would be your criteria for deciding to cut your losses?

[00:05:25] It's also important to note that the relationship research says that if your needs and relationship requirements are going unmet, you're going to be unhappy in the relationship, and the relationship ultimately will not work. And number three, one or both of you is not ready for a relationship. Readiness is so important because it's very connected to the two bullet points we've already talked about. Before you can find out whether you and your partner's visions are aligned, you have to know what your own vision is.

[00:05:52] Before you can discern and test whether your partner can meet your relationship needs and relationship requirements, you have to be very clear about what your own needs and requirements are. Before you can fully commit to a relationship, you can't have other things or issues in your life that would interfere with your ability to honor that commitment. Readiness is about setting yourself up for relationship success. Unfortunately, when we enter into relationships unconsciously, or before we or the guy we're dating are really ready and available for,

[00:06:22] or a relationship, we have a higher risk of getting our hearts broken, and a lot of issues can come up in addition to wasting a lot of time dating someone who ultimately can't or won't meet your needs and requirements. When he doesn't want to discuss it. You mentioned that when there's something serious on his mind and he doesn't want to discuss it, he just avoids you or disappears. An avoidant attitude, in my opinion, is a red flag in your relationship, because a successful relationship really requires openness and communication,

[00:06:51] and the willingness to work through things together. Showing up and standing in our truth, even when it's uncomfortable, takes courage and emotional maturity. But if he's not being forthright and just shuts down or leaves you hanging when you have some important issues to discuss, this might indicate that he has some growing to do in this area of his life. He's got to get comfortable with talking about what he really wants. How can you arrive at any resolution or problem solved together if there's no constructive, healthy dialogue?

[00:07:21] Can this be resolved? The only person that you have real control over is you. You're the only person that can change. So, with that said, resolution is not something that you need to wait to happen. Resolution is a choice. It's ultimately up to you whether you choose to stay in the relationship or leave. But if you're looking to get to know him, and you want a monogamous, long-term relationship, you have to look at your own experience with him,

[00:07:48] and decide whether your impression of him, your relationship with him thus far, is aligned with what you really want. So, I would encourage you to think about, what is your life vision? What are your needs and relationship requirements? And what does a fulfilling relationship look like and feel like for you? And finally, does this relationship show a track record of supporting that vision and supporting your needs and requirements? If not, what's your next move?

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[00:09:18] sowie die Chance auf attraktive Sachpreise. Also los, schnapp dir jetzt deinen Fan-Bonus in der Rewe-App. Nur bis zum 18.07. And thank you to Melissa for this post. A good one for anyone who is wondering about the health of their relationship. But even if your relationship isn't a good place, an article like this can still be really helpful. Because, you know, not only is it common to sometimes slip into bouts of, should I leave this relationship or should I keep working on it?

[00:09:46] But even if you're not overcome by these types of feelings, a post like this still has good reminders about what keeps a relationship strong. And we could all use these reminders sometimes, because when we are so enamored by the objects of our affection, we sometimes compromise in ways that we don't realize. Sometimes it feels easier to convince ourselves that we do have the same life vision as them. Or, you know, that our needs aren't so important, and sacrificing them is actually a noble thing to do.

[00:10:16] This can sneak up on us if we aren't careful. So, checking in with oneself about how much truth one is bringing to the relationship is never an act of betrayal. It's only an act of love towards ourselves and our partners. So, keep that in mind, everyone. It's time to get going for today and say goodbye. I appreciate you listening until the end and doing something proactive for your relationships today. Have a great rest of your Wednesday, and I'll see you tomorrow for a parenting post, where your optimal life awaits. Let's see you tomorrow.