3031: If Kindness and Generosity Is So Good for Us, Why Are We So Suspicious of It? by Charlie Brown of Simple and Straightforward

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[00:00:57] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. If kindness and generosity is so good for us, why are we so suspicious of it? By Charlie Brown of simpleandstraightforward.substack.com I'll only let people interrupt my runs under very special circumstances. I am a headphones-in, run-on-my-own kind of exerciser. I try to give out don't-bother-me vibes, and normally it works. This guy did not get the message.

[00:01:27] About one minute into my run, I felt a car pull up beside me. A middle-aged man wound down his window. Hey you! An American accent in the middle of Porto. Oh lord, what do you want? Directions? Me? I hope it's not the latter. After all, every woman who is stopped in the street by a strange man always makes a lightning-quick risk assessment.

[00:01:51] Is it safe to engage? We've all seen Silence of the Lambs. If you trust too much, you could end up in the hole, rubbing lotion on your skin. Do you drink wine? This stopped me. Anyone who has followed my work here will know that yes, I absolutely drink wine. It is my job to do so. I'm on my way to the airport, and I don't have room for this wine I picked up at a winery yesterday. Do you want it? I assessed the guy was telling the truth. Sure.

[00:02:20] He got out of the car, opened the trunk, did not try to bundle me into it, and pulled out a bottle of white wine. Do you live here in Porto? He asked. Yes, but I'm originally from the UK. Whereabouts? Wales. I'm half Welsh. Welsh. And what do you do for a living? Actually, I work in wine. This is fate. You're Welsh, you work in wine, and you're running.

[00:02:47] My daughter's about to take part in the New York Marathon this week. I'm so happy I got to give this bottle of wine to you. It just feels right. I agreed. It was a happy coincidence. But despite the pleasant interaction, I couldn't stop this nagging feeling that there was an ulterior motive to his generosity. I even checked the bottle after he left. Could it be tampered with? Because it seemed weird he wouldn't try to squeeze it into his luggage, especially as it was quite a fancy bottle.

[00:03:17] Why was this guy being so nice? It turns out I was asking the wrong question. I should have been asking, why are we always so suspicious of the kindness of strangers? My mother always told me to trust no one. She scared my younger self with stories of strange men in vans offering candy to unsuspecting kids. My poor mom had her own reasons not to trust strangers. She was indeed propositioned by men with candy when she was a child.

[00:03:47] In fact, I was too in a busy, pigeon-filled Trafalgar Square one afternoon in 1992. When you're 10, being suspicious of strangers is probably not a bad thing. But as you grow older and wiser, you realize that not all strangers have bad motives, and that just because you don't know someone doesn't mean they're dangerous. After all, they don't know you, and I hope you're a trustworthy person. Despite being fully aware of this,

[00:04:15] and that many people actively engage in random acts of kindness, we tend to be suspicious of them. Perhaps it's an innate part of being human, the pack mentality that kept us alive when we roamed the earth in tribes. But we're not so tribal anymore. We don't have to rely on them to keep us safe. Perhaps it's our ongoing march towards hyper-individualism. We increasingly live in a world whose cultural slogan may as well be, what's in it for me?

[00:04:43] This plays havoc with our empathy levels, which are far lower than they were 30 years ago. Alas, that means we're less likely to A. Give kindness and generosity and B. Take it with grace and goodwill. A great example of this is the free hugs movement. When it started back in 2004, the police threatened to ban it. And nowadays, you don't have to look far for a social media post making fun of it. But here's the catch.

[00:05:12] Society might like us to believe that accepting the kindness of strangers is bad for us. But the reality is entirely opposite. When you're generous, you're happier. There's even evidence to suggest you're healthier too, because giving to others lowers your stress levels. That helper's high is pretty sweet. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor. If you give, you're going to feel good. And as a receiver, you might get a nice bottle of wine out of it.

[00:05:40] I want to believe that if someone is being generous or kind to you, it's not for nefarious reasons. It's because they're doing something that sits at the very core of being human. If that guy knew I was suspicious of his generous gift, I think he would be disappointed in me, his Welsh sister. I know I would be if I were in his shoes. In fact, I was once. A winery had given me far more bottles of wine than I could take in my luggage. And instead of paying for an oversized bag,

[00:06:08] I gifted the bottles to airport workers before I went through security. If they had been suspicious of my intent, or inspected the bottle for signs of foul play, I would have been downright offended. Because people can just be kind without a malicious motive. They can just be generous without wanting anything for themselves. Deep down, we know this. Generosity and kindness are traits that are etched deep into what it means to be human.

[00:06:34] It's why people reported wanting to cry after receiving a free hug. It's why, once I had told myself off for being disproportionately suspicious, that bottle of wine and the generosity of the man who gave it to me made my day. Humans haven't forgotten how to be generous. They just deprioritize it sometimes. But it still exists. I recently saw an old lady fall over, and a whole crowd of people helped her. People still give up their seats for pregnant women and the elderly.

[00:07:05] People still pay it forward. And people still give out bottles of wine whilst asking for nothing in return. To be generous is to be human. We crave it. It nurtures us. To tap into its power, we must remember that. We must remember that most people aren't being kind or generous because they think there's something in it for them. They do it because they crave the benefits of it just as much as you do. As much as we all do. Remember that the next time someone is good to you.

[00:07:34] It'll make you both feel better. You just listened to the post titled, If kindness and generosity is so good for us, why are we so suspicious of it? By Charlie Brown of simpleandstraightforward.substack.com And be sure to stick around for my comments in just a minute. What your skin needs is what your skin needs. Reducing and reduce pigment layers by innovative substances and the highest UV-Schutz.

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[00:08:33] and secure you weekly your fan coupon and the chance for attractive money. So go ahead. Pick your fan bonus in REWE App. Only until the 18th of 7th. And thank you so much to Charlie for this post. I love a post like this. A post that reminds us of the other side of our biases. But as she was going through the article and mentioning the reasons that she and her mom both have to have become more suspicious of people over the years,

[00:09:01] I do hope that you leave this episode today being patient with that side of yourself. Whether due to your own experiences, what you've heard about from the news or from others, your imagination, or simply how abnormal society has made it to feel immediately trusting of someone, it's perfectly valid to feel scared to trust people right away. But I think Charlie's point today is that there is room for both. And while we shouldn't completely drop our defenses,

[00:09:30] it would probably do all of us some good to remember that there are still people worth trusting. And if we rely too much on our bias not to, we lose touch with them, and we lose touch with that piece of reality which just so happens to coincide with optimism. But that's going to do it for today, everybody. Thanks a lot for coming over the weekend. I hope it's going well for you. And I hope this post added to it. And do be sure to join us again tomorrow for more. That's where your optimal life awaits. Thank you.