3036: Invalidating Feelings? Try a Stress-reducing Conversation! by Dr. Kathy McMahon of Couples Therapy Inc on Healthy Conversations

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[00:01:02] The technique helps couples effectively manage and reduce stress in their relationships. But, it does more than just that. For the partner accused of having invalidating feelings, it offers strategies to create a more validating and supportive environment. It can also highlight forms of emotional abuse that invalidate self-esteem and destroy emotional intimacy. The technique helps couples effectively manage and reduce stress in their relationship.

[00:01:27] Do you find that you feel bad when you're talking to your partner? Does it seem as if your feelings don't matter to them? The stress-reducing conversation is a critical communication tool to improve emotional validation and increase feeling safe. What does it mean to invalidate a person's emotional expression? Feelings are invalidated when they are deemed worthless or unimportant. It's a form of manipulation that communicates,

[00:01:53] I don't care about your emotional experiences. Dismissing, criticizing, minimizing, judging, blaming, ignoring, or gaslighting are all forms of invalidation. How the stress-reducing conversation is done. First, set aside time, at least five days a week, for a 15- to 20-minute conversation about your day. Don't talk about relationship stressors. This is a time to focus on issues outside of your interactions.

[00:02:22] Then, take turns talking about your life, work, and day. As you speak, keep the conversation focused on your own life and the characters in it. As you listen to your partner, focus on validating their thoughts, emotional responses, reactions, or stressors. This is their time. Your job is to learn about them and support them like a friend. Take their side. Connect with their emotions. Don't try to problem-solve. That's not necessary in this exercise.

[00:02:50] Here are some types of emotional invalidation statements to avoid. Dismissing. Here, you are completely disregarding or brushing aside the significance of what your partner is talking about. You communicate that their feelings are irrelevant to you, excessive or unnecessary. Examples include, You need to get past that. This is nonsense. It can't be that serious. And, I'm sure she didn't mean it. Criticizing or showing contempt. Examples include,

[00:03:20] This is really getting old. That's ridiculous. And, That's crazy talk. Minimizing. You downplay or diminish the emotional intensity or importance of what the speaker is saying. You act as if their feelings are less serious, or less serious than they tell you that they are. Examples include, It's not that bad. It could be worse. I'm sure that's not what they meant. And, I'm sure they don't think that. Judging.

[00:03:47] Instead of empathizing, you meet their emotions with judgment or criticism. You might call their thoughts irrational, unnecessary, or wrong. Examples include, It's time to move on. You're making a big deal out of nothing. And, That is not worth getting upset about. Blaming. You put their feelings on trial. The implication is that they should not feel the way they do. The implication is that their reactions are their own fault, or they are overreacting.

[00:04:16] Examples include, Stop taking everything so personally. You were late, so it's understandable that your boss was upset. And, You should be ashamed of yourself for feeling that way. Ignoring. You don't effectively communicate interest. Instead of normal nods and vocalizations, you are silent and still. This implies that you are indifferent to their attempts to express their feelings. This might look like you changing the subject while your partner is in the middle of a sentence. And,

[00:04:46] They feel invisible and unimportant to you as they share. And, Gaslighting. You undermine their perception of reality or emotions. You leave them questioning their own feelings and experiences. Examples include, You are imagining things. That never happened. And, You are the only one who feels that way. Emotionally validating statements. In contrast, Emotionally validating statements acknowledge, respect, and validate someone's feelings.

[00:05:14] They show understanding, empathy, and support for emotions. Here are some examples. I can see why that makes you sad, angry, frustrated, confused, upset. Your feelings are important to me. And, I want to understand. It's completely understandable to feel the way you do. I hear you. I want you to know that your emotions matter to me. I am here for you. It's okay to feel whatever emotion they're feeling. I would feel the same way if it were me.

[00:05:43] You are not alone in this. I'm here to listen and be there for you. Your feelings make sense given what you're struggling with. And, Thank you for telling me about this. It helps me understand you better. The listener doesn't have to solve the problem. They simply need to be present, pay attention, and try to understand and empathize. Demonstrate that you hear, respect, and acknowledge your partner's feelings. That's enough. It enhances trust, strengthens the relationship, and promotes open communication.

[00:06:14] People learn how to validate feelings at a young age. When a person isn't validated as a child, these problematic negative patterns become ingrained habits. However, these harmful communication patterns can and should be broken. When these daily stress-reducing conversations turn into attempts to manipulate, control, and dominate, it's time to pay attention. Notice if you use your partner's opening up against them later in an argument. That's destructive.

[00:06:40] Other spouses complain that they have no interest in listening to their partner, even for 5-10 minutes a day. This is a very bad sign. Daily stress-reducing conversations can be tried first, before couples therapy. The goal is to provide an opportunity to practice supportive and encouraging talks. This practice enhances intimacy, and it can help couples break unintentional bad habits of invalidating emotions. It can also reveal more damaging patterns that should be attended to by a professional counselor.

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[00:08:12] Through innovative Press-Brew-Technology, every cup is very aromatic with a cream. Caffeekrema. Entdecke jetzt die Cubo-Cupsel-Maschinen in deiner Chibo-Fiale und auf Chibo.de. And thanks to Cathy for another really terrific write-up. We learned a lot in this one needless to say. And it is my hope that her strong use of examples gave all of you not only a better idea of what to look for, but also a stronger ability to untangle what might feel like a general lack of respect or communication.

[00:08:42] And I say this because this can really help to prevent us from clumping it all together, which makes it more difficult to understand and thus solve the problem at hand. Now that all being said, it is still important to pay individual attention to each of these examples that she's provided and seek to understand them beyond the category that they seem to fall under. So gaslighting, for example, you know, it's such a hot topic right now. And it's a term that people love throwing around and exposing.

[00:09:10] But even gaslighting, it comes with its intricacies, right? You know, the examples that Dr. Cathy provided, you're imagining things that never happened. And you're the only one who feels that way. So these are responses that could be bred of someone who legitimately is not at fault and is rather trying to stand up for themselves as opposed to covering something up. The redirection of blame can often be a poorly executed attempt by an innocent partner

[00:09:37] to get their accusing partner to take responsibility for their own actions. So, as always, consider this post and its examples as a great foundation to start with. But don't let it stop you from undergoing more detailed exploration of conversations in which invalidation might seem to occur. Okay, and that's going to do it for me, folks. Thank you, as always, for being here and staying until the end. And thank you on behalf of our listeners and everyone in your life as well for choosing to do right by your relationships today.

[00:10:07] Enjoy the rest of your day and be sure to come on back tomorrow for a post from ParentingSimply.com. That's where your optimal life awaits. Thank you, folks. Thank you, folks.