3041: Five Things to Learn About Codependence and Interdependence by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Healthy Relationships

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[00:00:47] This is Optimal Relationships Daily – Five Things to Learn About Codependence and Interdependence by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargretrutherford.com We're so codependent. This phrase is thrown around a lot these days. Sometimes it sounds like people are bragging about how close they are with their partners. Others are lamenting how much time they've had to spend with their significant other. Codependent. What exactly does this term mean?

[00:01:17] The Beginning of Codependence There was a time when codependence wasn't a word. But when spouses of alcoholics started meeting together for support and understanding, the term was created to explain the dynamic between an alcoholic and their partner, who was spending a lot of time making things work and enabling the alcoholic, and believing that they were doing the right thing by keeping the impact of the alcoholic's behavior a secret.

[00:01:42] They would lie about the reason their partner was late to work, or they couldn't make it to a party. Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More, explains, quote, One fairly common denominator was having a relationship, personally or professionally, with troubled, needy, or dependent people. But a second, more common denominator seemed to be the unwritten, silent rules. End quote. End quote.

[00:02:10] These spouses began to recognize that they were all following the same formerly unspoken rules. Hey, wait a minute. Maybe our behavior is part of the problem. What we all thought was our own private answer to the very painful problem of a partner's alcoholism is something a lot of people do. And it actually enables the alcoholic to stay immersed in their illness. This is when the very important support group Al-Anon was formed.

[00:02:37] Their mantra of detach with love has been so helpful to so many. The meaning of the term codependent has broadened widely since its inception. Codependence as Relationship Addiction Now, codependence has also been described as relationship addiction. This means losing yourself in the relationship, including such an intense fear of it ending that you will sacrifice yourself and healthy boundaries to keep it intact.

[00:03:05] You may be experiencing low self-esteem, have a tendency towards extreme people-pleasing and a desperate need for control. Instead of your partner enhancing the life that you've created for yourself, you feel as if you couldn't live without them. Sure, we all get heady with first love, and you feel as if you can't breathe if you don't get to see them soon. I'm not talking about that stage of falling in love. But you move out of that, and into everyday, pull-your-boots-on-and-live-life kind of love.

[00:03:34] And codependence keeps that normalcy from happening. Instead, a codependent relationship can look like two people, not supporting one another's individuality, but instead holding one another back from their potential. I need you so you can't have your own life or interests or choices or dot dot dot. It can grow in similarity to a victim-savior relationship, which is very difficult and paralyzing for both.

[00:04:02] If this is you, know that there is CODA, Codependence Anonymous, a support group for people who have these issues and want to have a healthier relationship with themselves and their partner. The vital difference between dependence and interdependence Yet, why is the word dependence getting a bad rap? Some are shouting that we're all supposed to take care of our own needs and wants without depending on anyone. No one can make you happy but yourself. I don't want to be dependent on anyone.

[00:04:31] I don't need anyone else to be complete. While there is truth to these statements, they are not what makes relationships or intimacy work. Denying the healthy aspects of a loving, interdependent relationship is the flip side to codependence, and neither extreme is healthy. A while back, my husband was out of town for three or four days. And every time that happens, I notice what I count on him to do around the house. We, like most of us, have separate responsibilities.

[00:05:01] I don't retrieve the dead mouse from behind the trash or reset the trap. And he has practically forgotten how to turn on the stove. If something happened to one of us, either the house would be overridden with rodents or fast food wrappers would abound in said trash. Yes, I could learn about mousetraps and he could google how to boil an egg. We would learn to survive alone, like many people do every day. But we have become interdependent. Interdependent. I count on his strengths. He counts on mine.

[00:05:31] The health of emotional interdependence. That happens in an emotional realm as well. I count on his patience because I need reminding every now and then that good things come to those who wait. He counts on my energy. I think ahead and I plan things. Interdependence. Being there for each other. Having each other's back. Keeping your partner in your head when you make decisions. Whether it's buying their favorite piece of fruit at the grocery store

[00:06:00] or deciding not to flirt back with someone at a party. Interdependence does not mean you lose yourself or become less of a strong individual. It means that life is not quite so hard because you've got a partner. It means you have expectations that are not rigid, but that you've got someone to count on. It means that you are aware of how different they are from you. And you rely on that difference at times. Interdependence builds trust.

[00:06:29] The loss of being able to depend. One woman years ago came in to see me after her husband had died. He was well known internationally, and she had spent the months after his death flying around the world, accepting honors on his behalf. I thought I was doing great with my grief. I cried some, missed him terribly, but I thought I was fine. She was walking up her back steps one day. She fell and broke her arm. He wasn't there to hear her call for help.

[00:06:58] That was the moment the totality of her grief hit her. People who are living life alone can miss having someone they can depend on. It's reassuring and comforting, and you miss it when it's gone. Don't be afraid of depending on someone, if it's the right someone. Be dependable in return, and you're that much closer to having a great relationship. Be supportive of their own life as an individual, and they will do the same for you. Make choices that bring you happiness,

[00:07:27] and know that their presence and their love for you only enhance what you are creating. You just listened to the post titled 5 Things to Learn About Codependence and Interdependence by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargretrutherford.com Kaffee in seiner besten Form Mit Cubo wird jeder Kaffee auf Knopfdruck zum Genussmoment. Denn mit der neuen Cubo One Kapselmaschine von Chibo

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[00:08:22] Shop Apotheke sagt Tschüss Allergie und Hallo Frühling. Hier findest du alles, um unbeschwert durch die Allergiezeit zu kommen. Als Neukunde sparst du sogar 10% ab 35 Euro Bestellwert. Mit dem Code NEU10. Du hast ein E-Rezept? Einfach Shop Apotheke App runterladen und direkt einlösen. Gutscheinbedingungen auf shop-apotheke.com slash Gutscheine And thanks a lot to Dr. Margaret for this post today. It really is funny how the idea of codependence,

[00:08:49] both in what it means and the tone with which it's expressed, has changed over time. But regardless of how you use this term, whether it's in jest, or out of mild concern, or serious concern, you do have the option of seeking out interdependence. Any couple with any degree of codependence has the opportunity to seek out a healthier middle ground between that and totally avoidant independence. Initiate a conversation with your partner

[00:09:18] about how you can rely on one another in a healthy way. How can you celebrate one another's strengths and use them to complete different tasks or fulfill different needs for one another? And make that the focal point of how you lean on each other, instead of doing so in such a way that leaves each of you powerless and or stripped of individuality. See if you can pinpoint some emotional and or practical needs that you'd most like met. Focus on a few of them that you and your partner feel that

[00:09:48] they could help you with and vice versa. And then go from there. And if nothing else, it's a great way to start examining what you each look for most and how and when you can each be independent. And these are great topics to mull over in a relationship at any stage. Okay, and that's going to bring us to the end of this episode, everyone. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. And I thank you so much for being here and staying until the end, especially on the weekend. Go out and enjoy the rest of your Sunday if you're listening in real time. And I'll see you back here tomorrow

[00:10:18] for another post, as always. That's where your optimal life awaits.