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Episode 3045:
Dr. Susan Chanderbhan explores how parents can support a college student without limiting their growth, emphasizing the importance of clear expectations, healthy boundaries, and mutual respect. She also explains when it’s appropriate to step in and when allowing natural consequences can help young adults develop independence and responsibility.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.chandpsych.com/blog/wise-parents-guide-to-love-and-care-of-college-students
Quotes to ponder:
"It’s important to have those conversations ahead of time. Make sure you have a clear, respectful conversation with your child about your expectations."
"Ask yourself: What’s the motivation for this? Is this from a place of me wanting my child to do or accomplish something based on a vision I have for their lives?"
"If your child is living up to your expectations while they’re away, it’s okay to give them more freedom and independence."
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[00:00:59] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, the wise parents guide to the love and care of a college student by Dr. Susan Chanderbhan of chandpsych.com. Sending your child off to college for the first time isn't easy. Of course, you want them to do their best and succeed. You want them to gain independence and learn how the world works on their own.
[00:01:22] But at the end of the day, they're still your child. It's normal to be a bit nervous or even want to take care of them while they're away. There's a fine line when it comes to the love and care you provide. For example, you might be paying for things like tuition, room and board, and even helping out with their necessities. You may also have reasonable expectations and boundaries that you expect from your child while they're away.
[00:01:48] So, what can you do to balance those boundaries while still giving them freedom and independence? What should you provide? Again, as a parent, it is normal to want to give your child as much as possible, even when they're in their late teens and early 20s. If you're not supporting them in any way, and they're paying for everything themselves, then they have the right to experience adulthood however they see fit. That doesn't mean you need to keep quiet or stop voicing your opinion.
[00:02:15] Whether you're paying for things or not, you are still their parent. If you are paying for their tuition and or other life necessities, it is perfectly acceptable to set up expectations. It's only fair that they learn what you expect in return. Some parents expect their college-aged young adults to maintain certain grades. That's not always the case, but it can give you a good idea of how they're spending their time and how serious they are about their collegiate experience.
[00:02:43] You might expect your child to have an on-campus job or join certain groups to fill some of their time. It's important to have those conversations ahead of time. Make sure you have a clear, respectful conversation with your child about your expectations. They should understand that you are providing assistance so they have the ability to explore college life to the fullest, but certain responsibilities come with that. When to step in You're always going to be a parent.
[00:03:11] When your young adults step out on their own for the first time, it's not uncommon for their curiosity to get the best of them. They might get their first taste of independence and see how far they can push it. If you've set up boundaries and expectations with your child, it's important to step in when they're broken. But consider carefully before you step in. Balance your expectations with your child's need to individuate and grow into the person they're meant to be. This can sometimes be difficult for parents.
[00:03:39] It's important to step back and reflect honestly when you want to step in. Ask yourself, what is the motivation for this? Is this from a place of me wanting my child to do or accomplish something based on a vision I have for their lives? Is this about something I wanted to achieve myself but didn't have the chance to? If I don't agree with this course of action or path they're taking, is it something that's genuinely harmful to them or their futures? Or just different than what I pictured for them?
[00:04:08] Of course, it's important to step in when there are mental health or physical health and safety issues, like mental health struggles or excessive drinking. Also, consider stepping in when major expectations you set up beforehand are broken. This can be used as a lesson. Actions have consequences. That's something that everyone has to understand about the real world. And letting your child realize that is more important to prepare them for the rest of their lives. You can step in and warn them without being overbearing.
[00:04:39] But if they continue to cross boundaries and not live up to expectations, they are the ones that have to deal with the consequences. How to show care without overstepping boundaries. Speaking of boundaries, it's also a good idea to set some of your own. If your child is living up to your expectations while they're away, it's okay to give them more freedom and independence. That doesn't mean you shouldn't regularly check in on them.
[00:05:04] But you can care for them and support them without playing 20 questions about their lives each day or expecting multiple calls on a schedule you set. Collaborate with them to set up what would be a good schedule for communicating regularly. Tell them how proud you are and encourage them to keep walking down the right path. If you are a parent sending your student to college, keep these tips in mind to make the transition easier on both of you. In doing so, you'll have an easier time balancing encouraging independence
[00:05:33] while still providing parental guidance. You just listened to the post titled, The Wise Parents Guide to the Love and Care of a College Student by Dr. Susan Chanderban of chansyke.com Iconic Vibes zum besten Preis. Wow geht mit Euphoria in die dritte Staffel. Ein paar Jahre nach der Highschool wusste ich nicht, ob das Leben so war, wie ich es wollte.
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[00:07:09] Und thanks a lot on behalf of all the parents to Dr. Susan. Inherentorin. In the child's growth process. Of which there is plenty all throughout college life. Let alone at the beginning of it. But that suggestion to think about why a parent wants to intervene. It sort of invites a perspective that the article didn't totally explore. And that is the significance of mutual growth during this time. So the parent's growth as well as the child's.
[00:07:36] While the focus here is obviously on the child's development, the transition to college also presents a huge opportunity for parents to grow. Learning to trust their child's decision making process. And kind of reshaping the parent-child relationship into one that resembles mentorship rather than like guardianship. And acknowledging this could really empower parents to see this time not only as a challenge,
[00:08:03] but as a stage of development for themselves. And I think that that would really foster a new and unique kind of bond with their children. So with that, we have reached the end folks. A really good one from Dr. Susan. And I hope you agreed. If you did like it, then be sure to come on back tomorrow. Because there's going to be another parenting post ready and waiting for you. That's where your optimal life awaits.