3049: Mastering Marriage Conflict with Mulligans by Jon Beaty of Gottman on Conflict Resolution

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[00:00:30] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:55] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Mastering Marriage Conflict with Mulligans by John Beattie of Gottman.com If you've golfed, it's likely you've taken a mulligan. A mulligan allows casual golfers to recover from embarrassing strokes and keep the game moving.

[00:01:15] When a golfer hits the ball off the fairway, lands it in a sand trap, or sinks it in a water hazard, calling a mulligan allows the player to replay a bad stroke as if it hadn't occurred. With a second chance to get things right, the player attempts to avoid repeating the mistakes that caused their first stroke to get them in trouble. Mulligans aren't only for the fairway. They can also be useful in managing conflict in marriage.

[00:01:42] Consider Devin and Becca, who tend to be at odds over Devin's habit of arriving to appointments early, and Becca's habit of arriving on time or a few minutes late. Devin has the car warming up in the driveway. He calls to Becca from their home's front door. Becca, we need to go. We're going to be late. He hears Becca call back from the bathroom. We have plenty of time. I need to finish getting ready.

[00:02:08] Devin detects a tone of frustration in Becca's voice, but disregards it. He calls back. If you had put your phone away and quit texting, we would have been out of here ten minutes ago. Our daughter needed to know what our plans are for this weekend. Just cool off. We won't miss anything. She says, the tension rising in her voice.

[00:02:30] A moment later, Becca stomps out of the bathroom, grabs her purse off the kitchen counter, and gives Devin a stern look. I'm ready. Devin realizes he's on the verge of igniting a fight. I'm sorry, he says. You're right. I need to take a mulligan. Can we start over? Avoiding Harsh Startups

[00:02:53] When couples face off over issues on which they have differing opinions, the discussion can get derailed by what Dr. John Gottman calls a harsh startup. A harsh startup occurs when a discussion begins with criticism or contempt. Devin's comment to Becca that implied she was texting too much was criticism. That was a harsh startup. Devin would have stepped into the domain of contempt had he said something like, You have no concept of time.

[00:03:22] You'd never arrive anywhere on time without me keeping you on track. Criticism and the sarcastic remarks that imply contempt trigger a chain reaction that often leads to a bitter end. A common reaction to a harsh startup is to become defensive or stonewall. Together, these four reactions to conflict represent what Dr. Gottman calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

[00:03:47] When one or more of the horsemen are on the field, couples become locked in fierce battles that drive the relationship toward catastrophe. Becca's initial defense against Devin's criticism was light. She explained her reasons for texting and told Devin to cool off, hoping it would be enough to cause him to back off. Her body language sent another signal that let him know he was stepping into a sand trap. Using repair attempts

[00:04:15] Devin did well to call a mulligan when he realized he had started off on the wrong foot. Calling a mulligan is one of many repair attempts that couples can use to stop the emotional landslide triggered by a harsh startup. In Dr. Gottman's decades of observing couples in conflict, he and his team of researchers have discovered that successful marriages use repair attempts, like golfers use mulligans.

[00:04:39] A successful repair attempt enables a couple to start over or reset a discussion when one of the four horsemen introduces a negative tone to a conflict. The repair prevents negativity from spiraling out of control. If harsh startups too often spoil your efforts to talk through a sensitive subject with your partner, taking a mulligan and other repair attempts can be used like a secret weapon.

[00:05:06] Not to take down your spouse, but to turn back the four horsemen. According to Dr. Gottman, repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. Improving emotional intelligence Persons with high levels of emotional intelligence have developed their ability to perceive emotions in themselves and others. They use this emotional awareness to enhance their thinking and reasoning.

[00:05:33] They are also effective in regulating their emotions. They use these skills to manage their relationships and advance their personal and professional growth. Devin's recognition of rising tension in Becca's tone and body language, in response to his criticism, shows his EI in action. EI gives couples an advantage in effectively using repair attempts to prevent conflict from overwhelming their marriage. Emotional intelligence isn't something we're born with.

[00:06:03] It's developed. While emotionally intelligent parents tend to develop emotionally intelligent children, adults who didn't have the benefit of emotionally intelligent parents still have an opportunity to grow this aspect of their personality. A married man can improve his EI by accepting influence from his wife. Dr. Gottman's research shows that in heterosexual relationships, men tend to need more help than women in this regard.

[00:06:32] In his studies, only 35% of men are emotionally intelligent. Women tend to be better attuned to their emotions, so husbands can learn from their wives how to better connect emotionally with their spouse, their children, and the other people in their lives. Building love maps Dr. Gottman's research has also discovered that the success of repair attempts is dependent on whether or not a couple's marriage is bound together by a strong friendship.

[00:07:01] Friendship between a husband and wife increases the frequency with which they detect each other's repair attempts and use them to prevent negative interactions from overwhelming their marriage. Love maps create a strong foundation for friendship. Love maps represent the deep knowledge that partners have of each other's world, including their likes, dislikes, hopes, and dreams. Couples in successful marriages are constantly constructing love maps,

[00:07:29] cultivating and feeding their curiosity about their spouse by asking open-ended questions, listening intently to their spouse's responses, observing their emotions, and paying attention to how they interact with the world. Spouses who devote time and effort to building detailed love maps develop a consciousness of what repair attempts will and will not work to keep a conflict from falling into a vortex of swirling emotions,

[00:07:56] like the golfer who loses control of their game with a ball stuck in a sand trap, water hazard, or lost in the woods. You just listened to the post titled Mastering Marriage Conflict with Mulligans by John Beattie of Gottman.com And thanks so much to John for this post, which is well worth checking out, as there are a lot of links to different references and materials of John Gottman's. And you can find the link for this post

[00:08:26] by going to the show notes in your podcast app, in case you didn't know. All throughout our network, all of our episodes have links to the original content, so you can read them if you'd like. Anyway, wonderful article from John. I love this idea of mulligans as both a golfer myself and a relationship enthusiast. And perhaps what's best about them is that they stand to facilitate longer-term connection and an understanding of one another. Having the presence of mind to recognize

[00:08:56] and address friction in the moment is really wonderful in that it broaches a subject before an excessive amount of resentment or frustration has built up. When we catch these things early and with less emotional charge, they're often easier to talk through. And therefore, it's easy to catch patterns emerging. Patterns that can call for bigger open discussions, such as, you know, why Devin has a hard time being late,

[00:09:25] where that comes from, how compromises can be made and understanding can be built. And it's through these conversations that our relationships can really reach new healthy levels. So think on that, everyone. It's time to get going now, but I thank you so much for joining me once again on a Sunday when I know there's a lot of other ways you might want to spend your time. Thanks for that, and thanks for choosing your relationships today. Signing off now, but looking forward to bringing you more content tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.