3059: How You Misunderstand Your Dates and How It Backfires by Evan Marc Katz on Dating Awareness

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[00:00:56] How You Misunderstand Your Dates and How It Backfires by Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarcKatz.com Did you ever wonder after a date why he didn't call back? Did you ever think you had a great time, but were shocked to discover that he didn't feel the chemistry? It's really common, for both men and women. But if you've never bothered to put yourself in the shoes of the opposite gender, you may be killing your chances to find love.

[00:01:23] Translating men to women is what I do best. Your perspective on intimacy is way different than his perspective. And neither of them is wrong. Each time you go on a date, you have an agenda. You may not be conscious of it, but every man you meet causes you to ask these questions. Is he polite to the waiter? Does he reach for the check instantly? Does he talk positively about other women? Is he pressuring me for physical contact?

[00:01:49] Does he want to learn more about me? Is he looking for a long-term relationship? And does he have good values, and will he fit into my world? Now, none of these are bad questions. But if you add them all up, what you are doing is tantamount to acting like a detective. You're trying to figure out in 90 minutes whether this stranger is potentially husband-worthy. That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself and him on a first date.

[00:02:16] You're picking up on every subtle cue and extrapolating them to greater meaning. So, if he talks about his crazy ex, you may conclude that he's hung up on her, or that he's a misogynist with baggage. Or if he talks about himself too much, you conclude he's a narcissist who's not interested in you. Or if he seems interested in you physically, you conclude that he is disrespectful and wants only one thing. These are all possible conclusions you can draw, but they are by no means the only conclusions.

[00:02:46] In fact, they're probably incorrect. A man who talks about his crazy ex may be a great guy, with a really crazy ex, and some good stories to tell. If he has bitter feelings, he may be entirely justified in having them. His only crime is not knowing how he comes across on the date. A man who goes on and on about himself may be extremely interested in you, and extremely nervous that he's not going to impress you. So he tells you as many things as he can to impress you. So he'll have a chance of getting a second date.

[00:03:14] You think he's selfish, he may just be insecure. And finally, a man who tries to kiss you at the end of the first date is also known as a man. That's right. Men who are attracted to you want to kiss you. It's not a crime, it's not a flaw, and it's not inherently inappropriate. Sure, a kiss after three minutes at Starbucks is pretty weird. But following dinner, drinks, and a car ride home, a goodnight kiss is standard behavior for a man who is attracted to you.

[00:03:43] I share this with you because you may feel that men are supposed to do things your way. He should just know that he shouldn't talk about his ex. He should just know that he should ask you questions. He should just know that you're uncomfortable kissing on the first date. As one of those clueless men who have done all of those things, I hate to remind you what you already know about men. We are not mind readers. We're not perfect. We do what comes naturally to us, not necessarily what comes naturally to you.

[00:04:11] Theoretically, we can do everything perfectly right on a date, check off 20 for 20 on your scorecard, and then be dismissed for trying to kiss you. And if every little misguided action can set you off, it becomes really hard to make a good first impression. Which is why I wanted to remind you of an insight I had about men's and women's first date agendas. Women want the potential for love. Men want the potential for physical intimacy. This is a fundamental difference between us,

[00:04:38] and I think it's important to know that I'm not blaming you for trying to figure out where things are going. Since you want the potential for love, you give your first dates the tightest screening outside of airport security, and dissect everything he says to determine if he has long-term relationship potential. Alas, while your heart is in the right place, your efforts are premature, and they usually backfire. Men don't like to be dissected. We know when you're asking leading questions about our jobs,

[00:05:06] exes, financial stability, and desire for family and kids. So, for your own sake, stop thinking of the future when you're on a date. Try to have fun and stay in the present. By enjoying the night, having light, breezy conversation, and flirting a little bit, you will ensure a great first date which will make him want to ask you out again. That gives you the choice to go out with him or not, and allow him to reveal himself over the course of the next few dates.

[00:05:34] While you are entitled to want to figure out the entire puzzle at the very beginning, it's generally a losing proposition. Not because you're wrong for wanting to protect yourself from wasting time on a bad man, but because it doesn't work. Men run from women who interrogate them in pursuit of love, the same way women run from men who push them into bed too soon. Can you see the parallels? There's nothing wrong with a guy wanting to get you into bed one day. The problem is when they push for it too fast.

[00:06:03] The harder they push before you're ready, the more you pull away. Smart male daters know that women want trust, comfort, and security. If they're wise, they will take appropriate measures to show you this during your first date. Similarly, if you're a smart woman dater, you'll know that men value attraction and want to feel desired. So if you're wise, you'll take appropriate measures to show them this during your first date. To be clear, this doesn't mean sleeping with a man before there's a commitment. It means putting yourself in his shoes.

[00:06:33] He's excited about you. He wants to impress you. He wants you to like him, and he wants to know that you like him back. All you have to do is let him know. If you like him, a kiss is a great way to do this. Once again, just because men want to get into bed with you doesn't mean they get to on the first date. But just because women want love doesn't mean they get love on the first date. But if you want to be the best first date, you're probably smart to give a little hint of what's to come in the future.

[00:07:01] Just like the right man shows that he's interested in a relationship, instead of just a roll in the hay. These subtle nuances are where most of the friction lies in dating. And whether you're dating online, offline, or are embarking on a new relationship, there are hundreds of ways in which your miscommunication can sabotage your connection. It doesn't always come naturally, but once you get it, you will be amazed at how easy it is to relate to men.

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[00:09:09] Okay, and thank you to Evan for this post. I did enjoy his points about the value of presence on dates. And trying not to fall into that subconscious interrogation of the person across the table. Certainly a degree of this is natural and unavoidable. But I think we can generally let ourselves be surprised a bit more by the traits that we find in those we consider relationships with. And especially if you've had a hard time finding long-standing or fulfilling relationships.

[00:09:36] It might be a sign that these questions you're asking of your potential partners, whether you're actually asking them aloud or just looking for the answers in your mind, might be preventing you from seeing people in between the cracks, so to speak. You know, seeing the special somethings in them that can't really be summed up by one of the questions that Evan listed off. Or perhaps you just have better compatibility and or chemistry with people who are quite different than those you've gone out with prior.

[00:10:03] And it's now time to trust yourself to experiment with someone who brings a different energy, a different flavor than you're used to or even would have thought that you were attracted to. So, some things to think about as we call curtain on another episode of ORD, everyone. Thank you so much for being here today and staying until the end. I appreciate you as always. And you know that we couldn't do this without you. Enjoy the rest of your day and be sure to come on back tomorrow for another post. That's where your optimal life awaits.