3060: The Essential Difference Between Marriage and Companionship by Dr. Kelly Flanagan on Meaningful Commitment

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, The Essential Difference Between Marriage and Companionship by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of drkellyflanagan.com

[00:00:29] When I began writing my book, True Companions, I thought it was about saving this ancient institution called marriage. Seriously, I planned to right this sinking ship we call matrimony by convincing a whole generation of young people to quit jumping ship, to head to the courthouse, and to set sail upon the kind of life-changing journey marriage can become. Plus, marriage books sell like hotcakes. It all seemed like a very good idea.

[00:00:55] Then one day, a friend pushed back. She asked me about my next book, and when I told her what it was about, her face fell. I love your writing, she explained, but I can't pick up any book with marriage on the cover. She's a single woman. Men have been cruel to her. An uninterested father, a boyfriend who abandoned her in the middle of a pregnancy, a husband who drank their marriage to death.

[00:01:22] Now, she has the courage to stand alone while raising her young daughter on her own. She still hopes to marry again, but she's become less willing to settle for more of the same from the men in her life. In other words, for now, she doesn't have a ticket for the marriage cruise, and she is not interested in reading about the poolside pina coladas. I can't blame her. So, I wrote this book for her, and for everyone like her. It's a book about a cruise we are, all of us, already on.

[00:01:50] This is a book about marriage that is also about something bigger than marriage. In her Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, Gilead, Marilynne Robinson writes,

[00:02:21] End quote. This book is about the great general light of companionship, inside which marriage flickers in flames.

[00:02:49] If I could, I'd go back in time and join my younger self in the early morning hours of his wedding day. I would ride with him on that empty highway, with that bottle of champagne resting on the seat between us. And I would tell him things he couldn't possibly fathom yet. I would tell him that marriage is relatively simple. It's a signature on a license at the courthouse, a benediction from the pastor, a kiss, a bunch of rice stuck in hair that he won't have for much longer,

[00:03:15] a rowdy reception, and years and anniversaries rolling by, until one day the rolling finally stops. But, I'd tell him, companionship is something he'd already began, on a painful morning of confession months before. I would tell him companionship is anything but simple. It's hard work. It takes guts and perseverance. It's a long walk through everything, sorrow and celebration, heartbreaking disappointment and heartwarming contentment,

[00:03:44] all sorts of uncertainty, and a moment of clarity here and there. It takes everything you've got. And sometimes it gives you back more than you could ever hope for. It's a four-word vow lived out in the midst of our hardest humanity. We'll figure it out. I'd tell him marriage is one very special candle that can burn within the big, bright light of companionship. Friendship is another one, of course, as is the relationship between a parent and a child, or the relationship between siblings.

[00:04:14] Really, wherever two or more are gathered, a little more light can be added to the great general light of companionship. I would tell him that he has spent much of his life thinking about how to get better at marriage, and that might make him better at being married, but getting better at companionship will make him better at being human. Then, he would drop off the champagne at the limo office, where the lone attendant will look at him like he's nuts, and we would drive back to the hotel together. On the way, I would be sure to tell him

[00:04:42] what I witnessed last Thanksgiving day in a buffet line at a local inn. While someone ahead of me contemplated corn versus carrots, I had time to stand there with an empty plate and observe, through two panes of glass, the line moving a little more quickly on the other side of the buffet. What I saw was two companions. I'm guessing they were in their early 70s, but something had happened to him. A stroke, perhaps, or something nearly as catastrophic. His age was 70-something, but his body was 90-something.

[00:05:13] He slouched heavily with both hands on a walker in front of him, inching it forward with great effort, muscle tone almost completely missing. Large hearing aids were perched in both ears. With both hands on his walker, he was unable to reach for his own food. So she walked behind him, reaching for both of them. They were figuring it out. I watched as they slowly moved by the mashed potatoes and the stuffing and a bowl full of something made of marshmallows. She would serve herself

[00:05:41] and then lean over with her mouth close to his ears, pointing at each pile of food, asking him if he wanted it. Sometimes he would nod, sometimes he wouldn't. Slowly, his plate filled up. It was all very hushed. I could not hear a word of it. Usually, companionship isn't loud and fancy and intoxicating like a wedding celebration. It's quiet and plodding and nourishing. I would tell my younger self that I don't know if the couple was married. They probably were. But I do know that they were companions.

[00:06:14] You just listened to the post titled The Essential Difference Between Marriage and Companionship by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of drkellyflanagan.com Oh, Chibo. Oh, fühlt sich das nach Sommer an. Die neue Sommerwäsche von Chibo begeistert mit leuchtenden Farben und fröhlichen Trints. Feine Spitze, leichte Mikrofaser und sommerliche Schnitte sorgen für pures Wohlgefühl, selbst an heißen Tagen.

[00:06:43] Entdecke jetzt die neue Wäschekollektion von Chibo und finde deine Lieblingsstücke für den Sommer. And thanks very much to Dr. Kelly for this wonderful post. Certainly one that can put our definitions of relationships into better perspective. Now, it reminds me of a post that I shared on here long ago, which was essentially making the argument for love as a series of actions

[00:07:12] more so than a feeling. And I think that holds true here with what Dr. Kelly has said about companionship. It also aligns with this idea of action often preceding motivation that we hear a lot. Even when we're married, feelings of love can change or go absent for periods of time. Maybe the relationship has felt a little stale. Maybe there's been an argument. When the magical feelings we once relied on aren't present in such times, we can become derailed.

[00:07:41] But what about the actions we can take, such as the ones Dr. Kelly explained in this article? We can always choose actions that reflect love and companionship. You know, we can cook our spouse's favorite breakfast even if we fought with them last night or help them with a project at home or cover their household chores for them when they've had a busy week. Choosing this type of loving behavior, I think, is what companionship is all about. Constantly showing up in action, if nothing else.

[00:08:10] And that can go a long way in marriage, especially if marriage up to this point has been more about feelings than anything else. And you've relied on the sense of having good feelings to feel as though your marriage is intact and that there's love present. So, as we wrap up today, think about how you can develop companionship with your partner, how you can look out for them, and perhaps let that mentality take the lead for a little while. I wish you luck with that, everybody. As always, enjoy your day today.

[00:08:39] Thank you so much for being here and making another episode possible. And I will talk to you again tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.