3061: How To Manage Your Strong Willed Child by Adina Soclof of Parenting Simply on Parent-Child Communication

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, How To Manage Your Strong Willed Child by Adina Soclof of ParentingSimply.com

[00:00:28] Hi Adina. We have an issue that we need help solving. My wife has seen and read your articles, and enjoys your writing, and feels you have good things to say. We are parents of a three-year-old boy and a nine-month-old girl. The reason for our letter is our strong-willed child. We love him very much, but lately we're at a loss of how to deal with him. He is defiant and out of control. He hits us when we tell him no, and the house has become, at times, an unpleasant place.

[00:00:56] What can we do to help him improve his behavior and restore some peace in our home? Thank you for your question. The best way to deal with a strong-willed child is the following. 1. Have the Right Parenting Philosophy Our goal as parents is to teach our children enough life skills so that they can manage one day on their own and be productive members of society. Strong-willed children already have a strong dose of the independence they need to make it on their own, and it should be recognized as a strength.

[00:01:26] Remember that many great people were strong-willed and mischievous. It's a sign of good character, creativity, and persistence. Many times, parents think that we need to subdue our children and always make them listen to what we say. This is not the case. We should cultivate a child's independence. It does not have to be at the expense of maintaining our authority as parents in our homes. 2. Try to figure out what triggers the difficult behavior.

[00:01:53] Is it jealousy of his little sister? Does he have trouble transitioning from activity to activity? Is he tired? Hungry? Does he need extra attention? Does he have trouble processing and following directions? Does he have trouble expressing himself with words? Is he with too many unfamiliar people? There are many different things that can cause misbehavior. Once you find out what his triggers are, you can start to reduce or eliminate the causes for misbehavior. You can set your child up for success.

[00:02:22] For example, if he has trouble processing directions, you would give him a visual cue. Show him the door or his coat if you're leaving. Tactile cues. Touch him and make eye contact so you know he's heard you. And give him warnings 5-10 minutes before you're ready to go. 3. Let them be involved in planning Get him used to problem solving and sequencing his activities. Bedtime is at 7pm. How do you want to work out getting ready for bed?

[00:02:50] When do you think a good time is to start if you want to play around, brush your teeth, get into pajamas, and read a bedtime book? The object is not to have military precision when going to bed. It's just an exercise in helping him take charge of his time and his responsibilities. 4. Positive Reinforcement Anytime he behaves well, you want to mention it with descriptive language. He does not have to do anything out of the ordinary. You held my hand when you crossed the street. That's called being safe and taking care of yourself.

[00:03:20] You asked for a cookie with a please. That's using good manners. You shared your toy with your friend. And that's called being kind and thoughtful. 5. Give Choices Strong-willed kids need to have a say in what they do and how they do it. Anything can be a choice, even things that may seem silly to adults. Do you want to brush your teeth now or in five minutes? Do you want the blue or the red cup? Do you want to play with the Legos or the ball?

[00:03:49] 6. Stop the Hitting When he hits, accept feelings. You must be so angry and you can't tell me with words, so you're hitting. Focus on the positive. You know how to be respectful. Remember yesterday I told you to get the ice pops for your play date and you did it right away? Name the consequence. I can't be with you when you hit. I have to move away. Show you have faith in his ability to correct his misbehavior.

[00:04:17] I know next time you will use your words to tell me how angry you are. And when it's calm, talk to him gently about the incident. Remember before you were so angry? You seemed very upset because I ran out of the juice that you like. Next time it's better to use words instead of hitting. Like, Mommy, I'm so angry that you didn't have my juice. Can you buy some as soon as possible? And when you calm down, an even better way of saying it is, Mommy, please remember to buy me the juice that I like.

[00:04:46] It's so hard to remember to use respectful language when we're angry, but I know you'll try next time. And number 7. Get some rest Dealing with a strong-willed child is exhausting. You need to be on your toes mentally and physically. It's hard to think creatively on how to manage their behavior when you're tired and overwhelmed. Give yourself lots of breaks and try to get a good night's sleep. Try to work together with your spouse and support each other when one of you has spent a lot of time with the strong-willed child.

[00:05:15] Often, if I see that the morning is not going well, I'll say to my husband, I don't have the patience to deal with the whining this morning. Are you able to take over? More times than not, he is able to do it. When we have strong-willed children, it's hard to remember that they so badly want to behave appropriately, but they don't have the necessary basic people skills or emotional intelligence to do so. All children desperately want their parents' approval, and some children just don't know how to achieve that.

[00:05:43] We need to instruct them gently and respectfully to improve their behavior so that they can succeed at behaving. You just listened to the post titled How to Manage Your Strong-Willed Child by Adina Soclof of ParentingSimply.com Oh, Chivo. Oh, fühlt sich das nach Sommer an. Die neue Sommerwäsche von Chivo begeistert mit leuchtenden Farben und fröhlichen Trints.

[00:06:13] Feine Spitze, leichte Mikrofaser und sommerliche Schnitte sorgen für pures Wohlgefühl, selbst an heißen Tagen. Entdecke jetzt die neue Wäschekollektion von Chivo und finde deine Lieblingsstücke für den Sommer. Das gibt es nur bei G. Meditieren, Yoga, Joggen, nichts entspannt mich. Echt? Mich entspannt meine Steuer total. Steuer? Wie Finanzamt? Die Steuererklärung? Ja, ich habe ganz locker über 1000 Euro zurückbekommen.

[00:06:43] Hast du geheime Connections oder Excel-Superkräfte? Nö, nur die Wieso-Steuer-App. Wow, und das ist einfach? Klar, die macht fast alles automatisch. Ich fühle mich plötzlich so. Entspannt. Hol dir dein Geld zurück. Abgabefrist 31. Juli. Was? Schaffst du ganz entspannt mit Wieso-Steuer? Ach, ja. Und thanks so much to Adina, another great Q&A from her. Notice how what she's done here, as usual, is taken a composed and multifaceted approach.

[00:07:12] Part of the reason she does great work and helps others to do the same is that she's good at considering so many different angles of these parenting conundrums. Like here, for example, we see her touch upon how to have a layered conversation with the child, how to involve them, how to seek out their patterns, not to mention how to utilize your own energy and work with your partner. So this consideration of different needs for everyone involved goes a long way in breaking us free from, you know, trying one tactic over and over again,

[00:07:42] which we hope or assume will be the solution, and then being really discouraged when we find out that it isn't. So great work from her, as usual. And if you have a question that you want to send in to her, you can do so by visiting the contact page on her site. She has great response time, and your requests are more than welcome. But that'll do it for today, everyone. Thank you, as always, for joining, parents. I hope this post has helped you should you have a particularly strong-willed child. And be sure to come back for another parenting post tomorrow in the Friday show.

[00:08:11] That's where your optimal life awaits.