3065: [Part 1] 5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship by Alysha Jeney of Modern Love Counseling on Relationship Patterns

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[00:01:00] Das ist Optimal Relationships Daily. 5 Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship. Part 1. By Alicia Janey of ModernLoveCounseling.com Maybe you know the ways your childhood impacts your relationships. Maybe you've never thought about it. As an attachment-based therapist, I see the impacts of bonds and relationships. From my perspective, strong bonds are what keep us grounded. Feeling confident and secure in ourselves and our world around us.

[00:01:30] I believe we all need and desire to feel safe and secure. This is what motivates a lot of us. Unfortunately, we get stuck in our not-so-helpful coping strategies that ultimately deny us of this. And we often don't even realize we're doing this. Especially in our adult relationships. Do you ever wonder why you do the things that you do? Do you ever look at yourself objectively and ask yourself, What's really going on for me? Well, it may be time to start.

[00:02:00] Here are five ways your childhood impacts your relationships. 1. You Don't Trust Easily Trust is the foundation of any relationship. When we as adults struggle with trusting others, it may be due to deep-rooted issues from past ruptures with the people we were innately supposed to trust. If our parents neglected us, abandoned us, abused us, criticized us, and or created a relationship that was conditional,

[00:02:27] we don't realize that we innately feel a sense of insecurity as we evolve into our environment and sense of self as we grow. This doesn't mean our parents didn't love us. This doesn't mean you don't love your parents. This may mean that the tools they had weren't always effective. Often our parents did the best that they could with what they had. But that doesn't mean the impact of those tools, or lack thereof, should be dismissed. It had an impact.

[00:02:54] If our parents or caretakers don't give us the unconditional space to be human, i.e. having emotions, messing up, etc., then we start internalizing emotions, and we start adapting to our insecurities by mistrusting others around us and becoming protective of ourselves in many different ways. What you can do? It's important to understand that trust is difficult for everyone, regardless of their past.

[00:03:19] If you experienced some form of disconnect with your caretakers and or parents growing up, it's important to acknowledge and give yourself permission to see how it may have grown into a bigger sensitivity for you, and maybe something you struggle with even to this day. Acknowledging this doesn't mean you have to blame your parents for everything. This doesn't mean you don't love them. This doesn't mean that you are betraying them. This does mean that you are acknowledging yourself and your needs as a child, which is extremely validating and okay to do.

[00:03:50] 2. You need a lot of reassurance If we forge an insecure bond with our parents or caretakers in infancy and childhood, whether it's because they were helicopter parents and never allowed us to have any sense of autonomy, or because they were never around us or abused us, we innately develop a sense of insecurity and doubt in ourselves. Maybe we weren't given the reassurance as children that was necessary for us to feel a sense of confidence in ourselves to explore and make mistakes.

[00:04:18] Maybe we weren't ever acknowledged to begin with. Maybe we were acknowledged, but too much, and everything we did was critiqued or validated in a positive way. If everything we did in our parents' eyes was unseen, seen under a microscope, or seen through rose-colored glasses, we weren't given the space to feel confident in our own achievements, flaws, and mistakes. How does this impact your relationship? Well, to start, you may find yourself really defensive,

[00:04:46] and it may be because you're feeling insecure. Instead of giving your partner an opportunity to reassure you, you push them away with your defensiveness, because you're struggling, and you don't know how to soothe or feel comforted. What can you do? Recognize where your need for reassurance comes from. Did you receive too much reassurance as a child, or did you never receive kudos? Why might this be a trigger for you? Then, practice how to reassure yourself internally.

[00:05:14] Try to work on being aware of your self-talk when you find yourself feeling insecure. Can you try to work on reassuring and validating yourself in the way that you always needed it? This can be helpful to start practicing and identifying for yourself. It's also extremely empowering when you start putting it into practice. It's also helpful to be able to articulate a need to your partner. Like, I'm feeling scared about this job interview. Can you tell me I'm going to do a great job? Number three. Hear that in tomorrow's episode.

[00:05:48] You just listened to part one of the post titled, Five Ways Your Childhood Impacts Your Relationship by Alicia Janey of ModernLoveCounseling.com Okay, and thanks to Alicia for a great start to this post. Now, if you have listened to this show for a while, you probably know how much I'm enjoying this article and how important I feel it is. I'm a big believer in investigating one's own past and learning about where our emotional blueprints come from. I believe this is absolutely critical

[00:06:18] when looking into the betterment of your relationship with yourself or with anyone else. So, for Alicia to address it so directly is really wonderful to me. And there's a lot more to go in tomorrow's continuation. But what I like that she's doing already are two things in particular. One, and this is pretty on the nose, is that she's providing us not only with information, but with a course of action to follow. So this is the kind of stuff that we can theorize and learn about all we want. But to have a plan for how to manage it and attack it

[00:06:47] is what we're really after if we want to improve upon these areas of our lives. So I love that. And number two, she's not shying away from how broad these traits are or how broad their origins are. As you're maybe starting to see, they can come from a lot of different places. You know, number two, for example, maybe we weren't acknowledged enough. Maybe we were acknowledged too much. This can lead to the same type of need for reassurance, even though the treatments in childhood are on different ends of the spectrum.

[00:07:17] So this stuff is not so cut and dry. And for Alicia to illustrate that to us is really special. And I hope that this provides you with an open mind about how these tendencies in us start to develop. But that's it for me for today, friends. Thank you so much for tuning in and doing right by your relationships. Again, more coming tomorrow in a post that I think is very helpful. So don't miss out on part two. I hope to see you there, where your optimal life awaits. so you're going to see you there, and you'll get to the next. and I'll be happy. Bye. Bye. Bye.