3090: [Part 1] When You Find Your Soulmate at the Wrong Time by Dr. Diana Kirschner of Love In 90 Days on Lasting Love

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, When You Find Your Soulmate at the Wrong Time, Part 1, by Dr. Diana Kirshner of LoveIn90Days.com. What should you do when you find your soulmate at the wrong time? When you find your soulmate at the wrong time, it can be incredibly exciting and yet very challenging. You feel deeply connected and blissful when you are together, but you can't really be with your new love for any sustained period of time.

[00:01:29] Oh yeah, but you're married, and or he is. Because of this complication, the heartache, the longing, the suffering is immense and at times unbearable. Virginia Woolf puts it this way in To the Lighthouse. Quote, To want and not to have sent all up her body a hardness, a hollowness, a strain, and then to want and not to have, to want and want, how that wrung the heart, and wrung it again and again.

[00:02:00] End quote. That quote captures what happened to Clarissa, a 40-something hospice nurse. Clarissa was in turmoil because she had no clues as to what to do when you find your soulmate at the wrong time. She was in a marriage lacking intimacy to a workaholic architect. As a super caretaker with her patients, her kids, and her husband, she pushed her own needs to the back burner. Clarissa meets her soulmate.

[00:02:26] That is, until she met Carlos, an earthy, lovable guy who joined her hospice team as a social worker. Clarissa and Carlos hit it off instantly, sharing their daily work, inspiring each other to find the laughter in life, and sharing their sorrow when beloved hospice patients died. Carlos was naturally physical and affectionate, and as they grew closer, one day, a single touch from his sensitive fingers set her soul on fire.

[00:02:53] She knew in this instant that they had a soulmate connection, and from the look in his eyes, so did he. Carlos made her a playlist of songs he loved, and they all turned out to be love songs. Clarissa fell madly in love with this man. One hug, one kiss on the cheek from him was enough to make her day. She dreamed of him at night, and he entered her fantasy life big time. Clarissa felt she could not break up her family since her kids were under 10.

[00:03:19] Then, she wondered, how can you cope when you find your soulmate at the wrong time? She was dying to have an affair with Carlos, but felt like it was against her morals and religion. Clarissa seeks help. Clarissa decided to go into love mentoring. Her coach helped her understand that she was not getting her wants and needs met in her marriage, and this was in part due to her not asking for her own needs to be met. At a certain point, Clarissa's husband, Ed, joined the coaching sessions.

[00:03:49] In one of these sessions, Clarissa explained how unhappy she was in the marriage, and that she was thinking of having an affair. This disclosure stunned her husband. Ed began furiously working on himself. He started to court Clarissa and took her on dates that rekindled the old romance that had bonded them years ago. So, Clarissa began to fall back in love with Ed. She told Carlos that she had to work on her marriage and could no longer pursue a relationship.

[00:04:15] So, in the end, Clarissa did not have to break up her family for a new lover, as she developed a passionate, lasting love with her very own husband. Perhaps, like Clarissa, you have met someone where the sparks flew, but either of you are married. You and your soulmate are both married, or he is. So, of course, you are wondering, what the heck do you do when you find your soulmate at the wrong time? We will consider all three scenarios. When you meet your soulmate at the wrong time.

[00:04:44] Case number one, if you are married. It is common to want to have an affair when you are married and you meet your soulmate, even if your marriage is not that bad. The sparks with this person can be extremely intense and seductive. Obviously, this is not a great idea, as it could cost you your marriage and your family if you have kids. Affairs are devastating to all the members of your family, especially on your children once the affair surfaces. Most affairs do surface.

[00:05:12] As the kids find out, they can get very resentful and angry and pull away from you. For years. There may be financial losses as well. Plus, the guilt and shame you may contend with are only the beginning of the many other complications and losses that come from having an affair. Instead of acting on your impulses, it is usually best to try to take that exquisite energy that you are feeling with the new guy and see if it can be cultivated in your present relationship.

[00:05:39] I know it seems impossible, but in my clinical experience, it's not. Your journey begins with owning and expressing your own needs to your spouse and learning how to be real and authentic in your relationship. Then, even a dead marriage can transform into a vibrant one, especially if it becomes clear to both spouses that it could be lost. Almost all couples need help making it through this critical storm, so it is best to find a coach or marital therapist

[00:06:08] who knows how to help couples move to the next level of passion and love during and after a crisis. To be continued. You just listened to the post titled, When You Find Your Soulmate at the Wrong Time, Part 1, by Dr. Diana Kirshner of lovein90days.com. Class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast,

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[00:07:33] We're just at the beginning, though, so I am going to save more of my commentary for tomorrow. But already, we're starting to see the wheels turn about taking responsibility and thinking beyond our immediate desires, a practice that is becoming, I would say, more and more foreign to us, as it's getting easier to have our urges fulfilled and answered with less and less wait time. So, while you are waiting to hear part two of this article,

[00:07:58] I suggest spending some time thinking about how you could improve on this, within your relationships or even other facets of your life. What might you be jumping the gun on or being a little too impatient about? How is this preventing you from being more present? Are there others in your life who have found success in this very area by waiting? And if so, is there something you can learn from them? So, again, questions to start with for now and hold you over.

[00:08:26] We will see what the rest of the post has to say tomorrow, though. Be sure to tune in for that. And I can't wait to see you there, where your optimal life awaits.