3091: [Part 2] When You Find Your Soulmate at the Wrong Time by Dr. Diana Kirschner of Love In 90 Days on Setting Boundaries

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:26] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, When You Find Your Soulmate at the Wrong Time, Part 2, by Dr. Diana Kirschner of Love In 90 Days. The Costs of Losing Your Partner, an Exercise Here is an exercise that can also be very helpful when you wonder, what do you do when you find your soulmate at the wrong time? I call it the roller coaster to love, fast forward to the cost of losing your partner.

[00:00:54] Imagine that your relationship falls apart, and your current partner or spouse is now married to someone else. The other person is enjoying all the perks of being with him. You have the cloak of invisibility and can watch as your partner wakes up with his or her new spouse, shares intimate moments, great meals, and goes shopping for their new home. What would you be most envious or jealous of? What would tear your heart out? Journal about these things.

[00:01:21] Remember, your partner is alive, and it is you who is currently the beneficiary of all his or her goodies. If you can add the spark of passion and being in love all over again, you might be able to have it all. If not, at least you can say you gave it your best shot, and then make decisions about whether to leave the relationship or not. Plus, whether or not you have a real opportunity to be with your soulmate. When you meet your soulmate at the wrong time, case two, if both of you are married.

[00:01:50] This situation is much more complicated. Your new soulmate may have kids. You may have kids. Odds are very slim that you both can work out all the marital and parenting issues and extricate yourselves from your current families and come together in a peaceful or fulfilling way. If you have an affair, one or both of you may be wracked with guilt and shame. His children and or your children may become upset, resentful, angry, and act out if the affair becomes known.

[00:02:19] Or explosive fights may break out. Or one or both spouses evict you and your married soulmate from your homes. Your friends may reject you. And if you change your mind and want to go back to your marriage after the affair, you may never be able to accomplish family reunification. Remember, married guys, no matter what they say, rarely leave their wives for other women. It is wise to protect yourself from what could be a demoralizing future.

[00:02:44] Instead, use this emotional event as a trigger to get you to work on your marriage. Get help from a coach or marital therapist and distance yourself from this new guy. Cut off any contact that will stimulate your longing for him. Turn your attention to your husband and marriage. Begin to work with the cost of losing your partner exercise. Work on your relationship. You may be able to have it all in your marriage. Soulmate passion and marital and family security.

[00:03:12] If you work on things in your marriage and it doesn't move forward, you can feel good about doing the right thing. Then, if you decide to separate from your spouse, do not fall headlong into an affair with this new soulmate. If he wants to leave his marriage and says he wants to be with you, wait until there is an actual separation. If and when he separates, that is when you can date this new soulmate. Each of you can feel like you had the integrity to give your marriages a fair shot and are now free to move forward.

[00:03:41] Case 3. If he's married Sometimes, women question what to do when they meet a hottie who is married. The love sparks may be flying, but he's already married. In this scenario, even if your new love interest says he will leave his wife for you, chances are slim that he actually will. And, once again, though you are dying to have an affair with him, it is best not to get started down that road. Or, if you are already having an affair with him, put the brakes on it.

[00:04:08] We've seen countless coaching clients who have wasted years of their lives waiting for a man to leave. It is rare that he leaves the wife, especially with younger kids, even when there is a passionate soulmate connection. I've seen women who've accepted being the other woman for years, and it's not pretty. But, go ahead. It's only your life. But, if you want to minimize the suffering when you find your soulmate at the wrong time, it is best to pull away from your married soulmate.

[00:04:35] As you do so, the pain of withdrawal from your addiction to him may hit you. If you are in an active state of heartbreak, you need to take action. Get support from a coach or therapist. Begin to protect yourself. Do not text, email, phone, or contact him. If he contacts you, do not respond. If you have the slightest contact with anything to do with him, it will fire up the love addiction process, which, in turn, makes you want him more and cause you more suffering and pain.

[00:05:05] Healing after the breakup. The most powerful way to hasten this healing process is to get out there and date. This will take your attention off of your married soulmate much more quickly. Take other actions that will offset the messed up brain chemistry of love withdrawal. Distract yourself from thoughts of him by taking on new challenges at work or going on a trip. Take that improv or tai chi class you have been dying to enroll in. Exercise while listening to your favorite music, not love songs.

[00:05:35] You will get over the loss of this soulmate connection, and you will find a new soulmate who is actually available for you. We've found there is much more than one soulmate for each person, so there is another soulmate out there for you too. You just listened to the post titled, When You Find Your Soulmate at the Wrong Time, Part 2, by Dr. Diana Kirshner of Love In 90 Days

[00:06:02] And a really strong read from Dr. Kirshner through and through. Thanks so much to her for that. And what I alluded to in yesterday's outro, and what I really love still, is how she plunges us away from our short-term desires in a time so emotional. Something that is difficult to do amidst strong feelings, whether or not they have anything to do with our relationships. A part of aging and handling adult relationships with grace and fluidity and maturity

[00:06:30] is taking ownership of all the parts of life we've committed to. Namely, you know, especially within relationships, marriages, and children, seeing partners through thick and thin, communication, to name a few. While we may often feel that acting upon short-term desires is good for us, or even a necessary release from any type of exhaustion we might be experiencing, many times we later realize how much the commitments we left behind

[00:07:00] were serving us in ways we discredited. So, a great reminder today to take responsibility for our own commitments in the face of difficult feelings. And should we really be tempted to stray from these commitments, that these temptations should be carefully observed before being acted upon. That wraps us up though, folks. It was a great two-parter these last couple of days, but we've got more wonderful content for you tomorrow as well that I hope you join in for. I'll see you there,

[00:07:29] where your optimal life awaits.