3092: The Dangers Of Post Break-Up Dating by Eddie Corbano of Loves A Game on Breakup Recovery

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[00:00:29] Hey, es ist Justin von Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR, or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap, without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. This is Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:59] The Dangers of Post-Breakup Dating by Eddie Corbano of lovesagame.com A typical mistake people often make after their breakup is to start dating too soon. The unpleasant reality, unfortunately, is that if you start dating too soon after your breakup, especially when you decide to try something like online dating, you most probably will crash and burn. Why is that so? Let me explain. After a breakup, there is a huge void.

[00:01:29] A void that needs to be filled. You may have accepted that you can't get your ex back. You've even managed to get through the 60 days of no contact. But you crave for that partner feeling. The feeling of security and intimacy. So, you go out in a desperate search for what you once had. The problem, however, is to find Mr. or Ms. Right, you have to be at peace with yourself, and more or less over your ex.

[00:01:55] Because if you're not, you will compare each potential partner with your ex, and undermine every chance you had of finding that perfect partner that you're looking for. So, how soon is too soon? Six months? A year? A year? The bottom line is, if your ex is still dominating your mind, and they still have power over you one way or another, then it's too early. Period.

[00:02:20] Another factor that especially applies if you've been out of the dating game for far too long is dating inexperience. You will have lots of unpleasant experiences if you start online dating after years of absence from the dating game. You can either prepare yourself, for women, for men, or start off simple. A good idea for post-breakup dating is to follow three simple rules. Flirt, have fun, and don't have a new relationship in mind.

[00:02:50] Whatever you do, don't go against your instincts. And don't date because you think it will help you get over your ex faster. Because it won't. You can take my word for it. Here's a success story from our dear reader, Lindsay, who wanted to share her experience with online dating. Quote, After I ended my marriage, I so desperately wanted to be accepted and loved again. I was missing the intimacy and love, and I craved it so much.

[00:03:17] I went out and put myself out on display, hoping others would find me and want me. I searched the ocean of online dating sites to see the plenty of fish available. Finding men was easy. I had 80 messages the first day. 40 were married men who wanted nothing but something physical. 20 were young boys looking for an interesting, intimate experience with an older, more experienced woman. But of the last 20, only a few piqued my interest enough to hold a conversation.

[00:03:47] It felt nice at first. I heard compliments like, you have such a beautiful smile, or how I'm so lucky to have met you. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that there are some mean men out there. Some men are preying on the vulnerable women. They're waiting like sharks to attack fish who still may be injured or sick. They manipulate and lie and cheat their way into the hearts of the women, only to cause more pain in the end.

[00:04:14] And then, there are other men, who are nice and kind, but who are going through the same emotional transitions and grief as me, and who are not ready to fall back into a relationship quickly after being hurt before. The love and intimacy felt good, but the pain and loss of them dropping me again was intense. It hurt. I felt rejected. I could feel my self-esteem being chipped away until I had nothing left to give. Some men told me that I was too intense.

[00:04:44] I was trying too hard. And they were right. So, what I learned was this, and I still need to listen to this advice myself. Sometimes, you need to put your fishing rod down and go and enjoy your life. You need to hang out with friends and family who love you for you. You can start to live again and fill your days and nights with all the things you love to do. You can live in the moment and start to appreciate what you already have.

[00:05:12] You can start to love yourself and build the confidence you need to be able to go fishing again. The next time I go fishing, I'm going to remember that I have a choice. I can throw the fish back in the ocean. Or better still, I'm hoping I never have to fish again. Perhaps the right man is out there, and he might find me while I'm doing the things I love, with the people I love. I think I'll know when I'm ready, and when it feels right to love again. End quote. Thank you, Lindsay, for sharing your experiences.

[00:05:42] And yes, I strongly believe that the right man for you is out there, waiting. I'm certain that you will meet each other when the time is right. The same applies to all of those who are suffering from a breakup right now. Mr. or Ms. Right is out there, and you'll meet them the day that you're ready. I know that I did, and I'm happier than ever. You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:10] The Dangers of Post-Breakup Dating, by Eddie Corbano of Loves A Game. And thanks so much to both Eddie and Lindsay for their words and stories. It's an interesting threshold that Eddie mentioned at the beginning. This idea that you aren't ready to date again if your ex is still dominating your mind in any way. And I say interesting because this is bound to look different for everyone.

[00:06:35] You know, in some cases, your ex will of course be dominating your mind because you have children with them, and you have to interact with them regularly. Or even if you don't, you see their face every time you look at your kids. Or perhaps you're a more obsessive personality, and you're prone to ruminating, having cyclical thoughts about certain subjects regardless of how you feel about them. So I think it's important to find out what this means for you.

[00:07:04] You know, I know in my case, an ex of mine was on my mind quite a bit when I started to date again after we broke up. But I knew at that point that she was on my mind because I'd learned so much from my relationship with her. She was a big part of my story, and a really big part of the reason that I learned to be a better partner. These thoughts were frequent, but not the same as thoughts that would have prevented me from giving myself over to love someone else again.

[00:07:33] So again, it's important to look for those distinctions within yourself. But that'll do it for today, everyone. I hope this post was helpful to you or someone that you might know. And of course, I encourage you to share this episode and this show with anyone who you think might benefit from it. Thank you as always for tuning in and doing right by your relationships. And I look forward to talking to you again tomorrow where I'll have a parenting post for you. That's where your optimal life awaits.