3093: Confessions of a Parent (From the Dinner Table) by Dr. Kelly Flanagan on Positive Parenting

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this yoga nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:25] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Confessions of a Parent From the Dinner Table by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of drkellyflanagan.com

[00:00:54] In the middle of a potbelly restaurant in Louisville, Kentucky sits a vintage potbelly stove with a plaque reading, For many years, the potbelly stove warmed millions of homes. Families had their meals around the stove, some read by its light. It is a symbol of warmth, dependability, family, and fun. Sounds ideal. And I confess, I approach the dinner table every night with the same naive optimism.

[00:01:23] Until the kids see the salmon. Or the spinach. Or the brussel sprouts. Or anything that they haven't seen before. Then, the dinner table quits feeling like a potbelly stove. In fact, it quits feeling like a dinner table altogether. And it starts feeling like a three-ring circus. Or rather, a three-kid circus. A circus. Oldest son smells the salmon from the couch. Somewhere in his brain is a switch.

[00:01:50] The smell of fish makes him deaf, and trips a hinge on his neck, dropping his nose even deeper into his book. He appears catatonic. Meanwhile, middle son walks toward the table, sees the salmon in the distance, and it instantly and inexplicably triggers a bowel movement. He declares loudly, I have to go poop. Clever boy. How can a parent veto that? Youngest daughter starts out beautifully.

[00:02:17] She intuitively knows she can get approval by pleasing everyone. So, she bounces to the table and climbs into her booster seat. Fortunately, oldest son's ears can be turned back on. Polite requests don't work. Threats, consequences, and my serious tone of voice magically restore his hearing. He drags himself to the table like he's carrying a cross.

[00:02:41] And fortunately, little legs can only sit on a toilet for so long before a kid goes numb from the waist down. So, middle son eventually appears, approaching the table like it's a haunted house. Now we're all present. But, youngest daughter has already begun her nightly negotiations. She's Hillary Clinton in a Hello Kitty shirt. How much do I have to eat to get dessert? All of it.

[00:03:06] I worry about her memory, because she always seems surprised by this answer. Even though we went through the exact same routine only 24 hours earlier. And unfortunately, she has her own internal switch. Our answer reliably triggers her tear ducts, and shuts off all capacity for communication and reason. Now, middle son, who can sit like a statue for hours in front of a movie, can't stop wriggling in his seat.

[00:03:36] Gravity eventually wins, and he goes tumbling from his chair. His wounded cries are added to youngest daughter's plaintive wails. Which is usually when oldest son begins to share every detail of his day. Something we would have welcomed 10 minutes ago. But now it sounds like a last straw. A Confession I confess. Somewhere in the midst of the circus, anger begins to happen somewhere in the midst of me.

[00:04:05] It says my job is to control them, and to punish them, until the salmon is gone. If the potbelly stove was a place of family tranquility, I have a feeling it's because dad scared the heck out of any kid who is inconvenient. I could achieve the order I want with an iron fist or a screaming voice. But at what cost? At the cost of the very peace I seek. And I confess, a part of me just wants it to be over. And I don't mean over for the night. I mean over forever.

[00:04:35] I start to wish I could hit a fast forward button and skip over all of these complicated, frustrating years. Yet, I confess, when the house has become empty and still, and my wife and I are looking at each other over a quiet dinner of salmon, that moment won't be good enough either. We'll want it all back. Eckhart Tolle says stress is what happens when we want to be in a different moment, a different place, or a different circumstance. And sitting at the dinner table,

[00:05:04] I know he's right. So, I have to confess, the problem at the dinner table is not my kids. It's me. My kids are just being kids. But I want them to be something else. Adults, or robots, or Stepford children. I want a different moment. I want a different circumstance. I want, I want, I want. In the end, the dinner table isn't a potbelly stove or a circus.

[00:05:34] The dinner table is an altar, a sacred place where we learn to sacrifice a little more of me, and to embrace a little more of us. Where we learn to let go of what we want and embrace what is. Where we die to small wishes so we can awaken to big gifts. And in the end, a dinner table is just one more altar in a world full of them. A sacred space. The slow line at the supermarket. Or every motorist on the road.

[00:06:03] Or the lover we can't change. Or the toxic boss. Or the business that's failing. Or people who won't apologize. Or the doubt that won't leave us. Or the spouse who did leave us. Or the diagnosis. Or the illness. Or the wounds that won't heal. Or the scars that remain. Or the nagging depression. Or the raging anxiety. Or a kid's bedtime. Or a kid's bath time.

[00:06:33] Or every forgotten space between all the moments of punctuated joy and sorrow. Every moment is an altar. A sacred space in which accepting what is changes who we are. Or the soul. When that happens. Dinner table tears become slippery diamonds on rosy cheeks. And every detail of a kid's day is unearthed treasure. And the mind quiets. And the heart settles into the mess that is life. And the sweet irony is this.

[00:07:03] The quiet mind and the settled heart are what we all wanted all along. I confess. I don't usually find the sacred space in the midst of a salmon rebellion. But I'll have another chance. Tonight. At the dinner table. You just listened to the post titled. Confessions of a Parent. From the Dinner Table. By Dr. Kelly Flanagan. Of drkellyflanagan.com

[00:07:33] And thank you so much to Dr. Kelly who always has a way of grounding us, doesn't he? Mm-mm-mm. I really like what he had to say in this article. And I'm sure it is something we can all agree is. Easy to listen to. But difficult to put into practice. Well, one thing I like to think about when I'm anxious. Because I feel as though I'm on the brink of repeating a decision or situation that once scalded me in the past. Is what I learned from it last time it happened. Not only what I learned from it.

[00:08:03] But also how without it. I wouldn't be at this very moment in time. Now, surely this is a little easier to do if you are generally happy with how things are. And grateful for the life that you've cultivated for yourself. As I must say, I am. Which I am very thankful for. But even if you have hit a rough patch and you feel as though a repeat performance of something unsavory from your past could only make things more challenging. Still, ask yourself what you might be missing.

[00:08:34] What one positive, one learning experience might someone else see from this that you were having trouble to see? Even if it seems completely delusional to you. What one benefit might someone else extract? It's a good exercise to try and perfectly fine to start in bite-sized chunks like this if necessary. So, think on that everybody as we wrap things up for today and call curtain on another parenting post. Thank you so much to Dr. Kelly again.

[00:09:01] And thanks to you for being here and doing right by your relationships today. Enjoy your Thursday and be sure to come on back tomorrow for another parenting post. That's where your optimal life awaits.