3094: Parents Considering Divorce by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids on Parenting Advice

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[00:00:30] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:56] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Parents Considering Divorce, by Dr. Laura Markham of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com Question. Dear Dr. Laura, My husband and I are going through a very difficult time in our marriage. So difficult that we both feel that in time we will probably separate and eventually divorce in the very near future.

[00:01:20] At this time, not only am I dealing with the possible loss of my marriage, but what it will do to our 7 month old son. I am ridden with guilt that I will be responsible for him being a child of divorced parents and how that will affect him when he's old enough to realize that mommy and daddy don't live together. I am constantly apologizing to him and telling him to forgive me when he's older, if in fact his father and I do separate.

[00:01:45] Of course, he doesn't understand me yet, but I guess it makes me feel a little bit better by telling him that mommy is sorry. I guess my question is, how does divorce or separation affect children and their emotional well-being? My niece and nephew are both children of divorce, and they seem well adjusted to me. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this? Thank you. Answer I'm so sorry for the pain that you're going through right now.

[00:02:12] The irony of divorcing with children is that for your children to come out of the experience in good shape, it helps enormously if the parents can work together well for the benefit of the child. But for parents to do that, they often have to work through a lot of issues, which means that they might as well stay together. So I always recommend counseling for parents who are considering divorce. About half of all couples who go to counseling work out their issues and stay together in a growing, happy relationship.

[00:02:41] Basically, each person in the relationship takes responsibility for growing and for the unresolved issues that he or she has brought into the marriage. They learn how to stop blaming each other for their own issues, and they end up with a terrific relationship. These couples are obviously reasonably mature individuals, and they generally have some basic strengths to work with, such as physical attraction and the ability to soothe themselves when they get upset.

[00:03:07] About half of the couples who go to counseling end up divorcing, either at that time or later. But counseling still helps them depart in a more loving way, which is always better for everyone involved. Specifically, it is much better for the child, because once it becomes clear that the couple will split up, they can use the couple's counseling to work out visitation, finances, and other agreements related to their child, so the child benefits.

[00:03:34] When couples do this, the man usually stays more involved in the child's life, which is really important for the child's healthy development. You will be heartened to know that the research shows that kids can cope with the divorce and come out okay. So many kids whose parents are divorced are fine. The literature on resiliency shows that one of the most important factors is having a close relationship with at least one parent, who is able to help the child with his emotions.

[00:04:03] Unfortunately, however, many children whose parents make the decision to divorce are emotionally wounded in a way that lingers throughout their lives. The biggest risk factor is poverty, since supporting two households is much more expensive than supporting one. The second risk is losing the mother's attention, as she needs to spend more time providing financially, and tending to all the details that single moms attend to.

[00:04:28] The third risk is if either or both parents find new partners who do not relate well to the child. All of this explains why children of divorced parents, one, don't do as well academically and are less likely to go to college, partly because they don't have a parent to pay for it. Two, are 25% more likely to abuse narcotics by age 14. And three, are twice as likely to get divorced themselves.

[00:04:56] The good news is that we know what the risk factors are that leave kids scarred. The bad news is that avoiding these risks takes enormous maturity on the part of both parents. Besides what I've already mentioned, the top risk factors for kids when parents divorce are 1. When parents keep fighting 2. When one parent abandons the child or doesn't stay in close contact 3. When the child's economic situation deteriorates

[00:05:25] In addition, because your son is only 7 months old, he will have the added risk factor of visitation, meaning he will need to spend time with his dad without you there. You may want to think through whether this will really work for you and your son. Many judges are not friendly toward nursing, and they don't honor the need of a baby to be with his mother in the event of a divorce, for instance. Divorce. Protecting your kids. The bottom line is that you have to decide what is best for you and your son.

[00:05:54] Please try couples counseling before you make a decision, and take good care of yourself so you can be a good mom to your son. You just listened to the post titled, Parents Considering Divorce By Dr. Laura Markham Of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com And thanks so much to Dr. Laura for this one. You know, when reading the article, the point that stood out to me was the paradox, right?

[00:06:22] To navigate divorce well for the sake of the kids, the parents often need to communicate and cooperate just as effectively as if they were together. Which is, again, kind of ironic, right? The line, they might as well stay together, was a bit funny. But, it also speaks volumes about the intricate nature of relationships. Which then makes me think about the other idea she presented, which is that couples counseling helps in either rekindling love or parting on amicable terms. And that's really nice.

[00:06:51] You know, it's not always about mending a broken relationship. But, sometimes just about parting ways without setting the whole ship ablaze. And that mindset shift can make a big difference for parents who are considering divorce. And then finally, those statistics about the potential adverse effects on kids. I mean, yeah, they're eyebrow raising. But, here's some food for thought. Aren't there many kids from intact families who face academic struggles or challenging relationships? Or any number of issues?

[00:07:21] Perhaps, instead of solely focusing on the divorce itself, we should consider the environment and the values that we're instilling in our children. Divorce, while significant, no doubt, is still just one of many factors in a child's life. And it does not have to take center stage in how they're influenced. Something to keep in mind as we wrap up for today. Thank you, as always, for being here, parents, and for doing right by your kids.

[00:07:48] Should you be considering a divorce or know someone who is, I hope things work out for the best for everyone involved, and that this article helps you to make that so. Enjoy your Friday, everyone. Be sure to come on back tomorrow for more ORD. That's where your optimal life awaits. .