3097: [Part 2] 5 Things that Happen When You Embrace Being Alone by Marc Chernoff of Marc and Angel on Healthy Solitude

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:24] This is Optimal Relationships Daily 5 Things that Happen When You Embrace Being Alone Part 2 by Marc Chernoff of Marc and Angel 2. Your Relationships Grow Stronger, With Less Codependency and Entitlement Does learning to be comfortable with being alone mean you can't be in a relationship? Not at all.

[00:00:49] But if you aren't comfortable with being alone, if you absolutely need another person to align with your every need, then you aren't going to be comfortable in your relationship either. Why? Because you will become codependent and entitled. When your actions and thoughts revolve around another person to the complete disregard of your own individuality, that's codependency. When you believe another person inherently owes you something, that's entitlement.

[00:01:18] Both of these relationship traits are viciously harmful. What you need to remember is that a healthy relationship never limits you. It doesn't restrict you. It doesn't try to change you. It doesn't entitle you or anyone to anything. People are sometimes led to have a sense of entitlement because they mistakenly believe they are owed something, based solely on the social role they've chosen.

[00:01:43] For example, if someone has accepted the role of being a person's friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, or husband, they feel entitled to get certain favors from this person. If someone has accepted the role of being a parent, they feel entitled to being respected by their children. If someone has accepted the role of being a customer, they feel entitled to be served to their unique needs.

[00:02:09] But as it turns out, there are no hardwired entitlements in life. And this is especially true of the love present in a healthy relationship. Too often we associate love with limitations. If he loves me, he will change. If she loves me, she will do what I say. Etc. But that's not real, healthy love. Not even close. That's the breeding ground for codependency and entitlement.

[00:02:35] What we need instead is a healthy dose of self-sufficiency. As Jim Rohn once said, The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, if you'll take care of me, I'll take care of you. Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me. End quote. Number three. You learn that aloneness doesn't mean loneliness.

[00:03:05] That's right. Being alone does not mean you're lonely. And being lonely does not mean you're alone. One can be truly lonely in the midst of a crowded room. Wouldn't you agree? Thus, the trouble is not always in being alone. It's being lonely in the presence of others. So keep this in mind and choose your relationships wisely. It's always better to be alone than to be in bad company. And when you do decide to come back for someone,

[00:03:34] do so because you're truly better off with this person. Don't do it just for the sake of not being alone. Number four. You find the intellectual space to support your own decisions. Everyone you care about does not need to support every decision you make. When you're surrounded by others 24-7, this truth can be hard to embrace. Friends and family won't always support your goals, but you must pursue them anyway. And following your intuition means doing what feels right,

[00:04:03] even if it doesn't look or sound right to others. Only time will tell, but our human instincts are rarely wrong. Even if things don't turn out as you anticipated, at least you will learn what you needed to learn, and you won't have to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been. Ultimately, you know you're on the right track in life when you become uninterested in looking back and eager to take the next step, regardless of what anyone else thinks. And number five.

[00:04:31] You get to mindfully experience more of your life. One of the hardest challenges we face is to simply live in our own skin. To just be right here, right now, regardless of where we are. Too often, we needlessly distract ourselves with anything and everything. Food, booze, shopping, television, tabloid news, online social networks, video games, iPhones, iPads, etc.

[00:05:00] Basically anything to keep us from being fully present in the current moment. We use compulsive work, compulsive exercise, compulsive love affairs, and the like, to escape from ourselves and the realities of living. In fact, many of us will go to great lengths to avoid the feeling of being alone in an undistracted environment. So we succumb to hanging out with just about anybody to avoid the feeling of solitude. For being alone means dealing with our true feelings.

[00:05:29] Fear, anxiety, excitement, uncertainty, anger, joy, resentment, disappointment, anticipation, sadness, and so on and so forth. And it doesn't really matter if our feelings are positive or negative. They're overwhelming and exhausting. And so we prefer to numb ourselves to them. The bottom line is that every one of us is an addict. And what we are addicted to is avoiding ourselves.

[00:05:58] Acknowledging this addiction is the first step to healing it. So begin again right now. By just breathing, alone, and noticing with curiosity and without judgment all of the little ways you can simply be in your own skin. Right here, right now, in this present moment we call life. Closing Thoughts Solitude can be a scary thing. But it can also be a joyful thing.

[00:06:26] You can learn to enjoy and grow from the times when you were alone. You can get to know yourself. You can do things that rely on very little external influence. Reading, writing, walking in the woods, playing guitar, singing in the shower, dancing in your bedroom, learning something new, etc. You can discover hidden parts of yourself in the world around you without needing to instantly share it or get someone else's approval to enjoy it.

[00:06:55] Be alone and be at peace. You deserve it. You just listened to part two of the post titled Five Things That Happen When You Embrace Being Alone by Marc Chernoff of Marc and Angel Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice

[00:07:24] leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. And thanks so much to Mark for a great post, which we've now heard in its entirety. There are so many great lessons and points in this article, but I think what I love most is what lies beneath the surface.

[00:07:50] I'm a big believer that the more we can understand and embrace anything in life, the more we can understand and embrace its counterpart. And how that applies here is that relationship satisfaction, presence, and involvement is something we're better able to enjoy if we've done the work of finding satisfaction, presence, and involvement with just ourselves. It's hard to extract beauty from anything if we aren't aware of what it's like to not just be without it,

[00:08:19] but to get good at being without it. And it's for that reason I believe that some of the best romantic partners are so great in their relationships because they first created a strong sense of self. And that's work that's often, not always, but often done alone. Something to think about, folks, as we wrap up another installment of ORD. I really appreciate you stopping in today as always and choosing to do right by your relationships in doing so. Have a great rest of your day. Think about what this post has taught you.

[00:08:48] And I look forward to being back with you here tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.