3100: Parental Burnout with Young Adults is Real by Dr. Jack Stoltzfus of Parents Letting Go on Parenting Young Adults

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:26] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Parental Burnout with Young Adults is Real by Dr. Jack Stoltzfus of ParentsLettingGo.com When children are young, they step on your toes. When children are older, they step on your heart. We tend to associate parent burnout with parents with young children, and the research says that this is one of the most stressful times in the family life cycle.

[00:00:51] They step on our toes and everything else. At the same time, the stress presented in raising children, particularly if the process is not going well, can lead to parental burnout at any age. Parental burnout occurs when parents experience overwhelming work and family demands, while efforts to cope are not enough. Most research has distinguished parental burnout from job burnout and depression, although there are indications that burnout and depression share some common characteristics.

[00:01:21] So, how do we differentiate between burnout and depression? Do you think you might be suffering from burnout? As I work with parents of young adults, the stress experienced is often related to the inability to control or influence the young adult in ways that would protect them from harm or poor decisions. When children are young and start to toddle toward the street, a parent can grab them and bring them back to safety.

[00:01:46] When an older adolescent or young adult takes a 3,000-pound potentially lethal weapon for a spin, the options to intervene are more limited. In some ways, parents I see who are struggling with difficulties in guiding their young adults exhibit more a sense of helplessness than feeling overwhelmed by multiple responsibilities. It's not the number of stressors the young parent experiences, but the parental loss of control and influence over the young adults' experiences.

[00:02:14] Because so many of us invest so much in the success of our kids, when they're deviating from the pathway we think they should take, we feel personally responsible. What's a parent to do? There are no easy answers, secret sauce, or silver bullets. More than anything, I try to encourage parents to be patient. This too shall pass is not a bad mantra. Most young adults ultimately right themselves and eventually land on their feet.

[00:02:43] That said, there is ample evidence that burnout can lead to bad outcomes for both parents and young adults. Neglect, abuse, thoughts of escape, like running away, can characterize both parents and young adults. However, there is also evidence that when parents focus on self-care, time to themselves, and find ways to strengthen their resiliency, the young adults benefit.

[00:03:08] We also know from research that there is a bi-directional relationship between parental stress and children acting out. By this, I mean that if a parent exhibits a negative mood and is angry and verbally attacking a young adult, or on the other hand, neglectful, the young adult is likely to respond in kind.

[00:03:29] The ability to be self-caring and affirming, calm, and appropriately attentive to the needs of the young adult can increase reciprocal actions on the young adult's part. Relationships are inherently reciprocal. And modeling is the most effective heuristic. We need to practice what we preach. Actions you can take. So, here are some actions to help yourself, but also help your young adult.

[00:03:55] Rate how well you are doing on each of these on a scale of 0-5, with 0 being doing poorly and 5 being doing well. And then decide to work on your low scores. 1. Start with the correct mindset. Specifically, as I have said in my practice books, challenge certain beliefs or assumptions that can be at the root of unhappiness and burnout. These include, we can control our young adults. We are responsible for their actions and decisions.

[00:04:25] We are not responsible for our actions and decisions. Most parents don't want to give up these beliefs, and they often expect me to come up with the magic answer to control their young adult. If you hold these beliefs, you will experience unhappiness. 2. Permit yourself to do things that enable you to feel less exhausted, more energized, calmer, rested, etc.

[00:04:50] These would include exercise, massage, reading a book, watching a movie, eating good food, reducing sugar, carbs, caffeine, and alcohol. And most importantly, getting adequate rest. Recently, a book was published entitled, Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker, which makes a compelling case for getting 7 hours of sleep a night. And by the way, self-care is not mutually exclusive with being a good parent. It is a root to being a good parent.

[00:05:19] Number three, if married, guard your marriage and not allow your adolescent or young adult to divide and conquer. If there is a fault line in your relationship, conflict over the approach to the young adult will exacerbate this. Number four, get the help of friends, other parents, or professionals, especially if you're a single parent.

[00:05:41] Social support from other parents of young adults, extended family members, and professionals can give you strength, comfort, and help with the decisions that you have to make. Good friends help you see the challenge from various angles, options you have, and actions that you may consider that won't be helpful. We often get so ensconced in our family bubble that we miss valuable outside perspectives.

[00:06:05] Number five, step back by using methods such as meditation, yoga, and learning to let go. Stepping back is an Eastern approach that focuses on letting go of control. We do this when we step back and use a method of detachment and non-judgment. Check out local opportunities to learn meditation or yoga, or download a meditation app such as Calm.

[00:06:28] Number six, all the clients I see suffering from anxiety, whether a parent or not, are encouraged to learn to manage breathing. Although there are certain schools of thought related to breathing, they all focus on regaining normal breathing. I teach breathing in to the count of three, and out slowly to the count of five. This method mimics the usual number of breaths that we will take in a minute.

[00:06:54] Most people don't realize that they breathe in a shallow and short manner, which is appropriate if you are preparing for fight or flight, but not if you are in an argument with your young adult. Try it when you are worried or tense. You'll likely realize that you are out of breath by the time you exhale to the count of two or three. It's the quickest surefire way to bring your attention down and regain your composure. And number seven, learn to set limits and say no.

[00:07:20] As I've stated in several of my practice books, no is not a four-letter word. If you've caved in way too many times to the requests or demands of your young adult or adolescent, this will be a difficult change. Your young adult will push back and hard because they believe that if they complain or criticize or guilt you enough, you'll give in. Like a small child who needs to be told no, they learn to take this message inside and say no to themselves. You have to do this for the young adult.

[00:07:51] Please don't allow them to threaten or punish you for taking such a stand on your values. Hold your ground. It is an act of love. There's no easy time raising children, and some parents find certain stages more challenging than others. In my opinion, the young adult stage is one of the toughest because there is ultimately no control. Our most effective leverage, especially if they are not living at home, is our heartfelt love and concern for their welfare.

[00:08:18] We should make a point of communicating this loud and clear in as many ways as possible. You just listened to the post titled, Parental Burnout with Young Adults is Real, by Dr. Jack Stoltzfus of ParentsLettingGo.com. Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest.

[00:08:46] In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. And thanks a lot to Dr. Jack for another great one. Needless to say, parenting, like life itself, is a journey with its ebbs and its flows.

[00:09:11] And this article encapsulates that anxiety of witnessing our children grow from toddlers, who we can effortlessly guide away from danger to young adults navigating their way through a world filled with choices that we can't always oversee. And while much is made of the, you know, the sleepless nights and endless diapers that come with infancy, this article highlights a profound truth.

[00:09:36] That the physical exhaustion of parenting young kids is often overshadowed by the emotional exhaustion of parenting older ones. As they grow, our kids' choices carry more weight. And with it comes the painful realization that we can't always shield them from life's harder lessons. It's an echo of how Dr. Jack started this article. You know, that it's easier to step on toes than to heal a heart.

[00:10:03] But perhaps what's most poignant is the reminder that our young adults, too, are navigating uncharted territory. And the best thing that we can offer them is understanding and patience and unwavering love. Not to mention a sense of relatability. As it's not long ago that we were at that age dealing with the same types of forks in the road. And on the brink of all that growth that would come from them. So, thanks again to Dr. Jack for this article.

[00:10:30] And thanks to all of you for being here and doing right by your adult kids today. Not to mention doing right by your own mental health as parents. Be sure to share this episode with someone who you think might like it. And I hope to see you back here tomorrow for another parenting post, everyone. That's where your optimal life awaits.