3104: Falling Out of Love and Addictive Behaviors AND Stress Coping Strategies For Your Relationship by Dr. Laura Dabney on Marriage Tips

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:26] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Falling Out of Love and Addictive Behaviors by Dr. Laura Dabney of drldabney.com The lie of I'm not in love anymore and what it means in your marriage. It's common for people to seek therapy or coaching because they think they have a problem in their relationship due to no longer being in love.

[00:00:49] The problem? They're smoking, having affairs, or some other addictive behavior. The lie? They're not in love anymore, or I love him but I'm not in love. The lie is what people tell themselves to continue the behavior that is uncontrollable or unhealthy. They may want to stop, but they can't. Instead, they use the lie to justify their behavior, such as, I don't want to put any effort into him or her because we're not in love anymore.

[00:01:19] What the lie really means. The lie is an excuse for not wanting to face the pain of working. Work is difficult. It's called work for a reason. Work is not fun, and it's a little painful, and people don't want to face what work means. A lot of people have this fantasy that work means you're not in love, such as if they have to work on it, then they're not in love. It's ironic because it's really the opposite.

[00:01:46] I find this striking because often people who say this tend to work very hard in their other relationships. They work in their friendships, their parenting, and when they were dating, they worked really hard. The solution? Laying the groundwork for intimacy and love to grow takes a lot of work. A marriage is not going to develop unless you put in some work. Stereotypically, these are the people we hear about. When the kids are all grown and gone, the couple looks at each other and says,

[00:02:14] Who are you? I don't know if I like you anymore. This is because they let all of the busyness of life get in the way, and they were to, insert negative emotion here, lazy, afraid, etc., to do the work. It's common for people to say, It doesn't count if I have to arrange a date on the calendar with my own husband. It's not very romantic. The question is, how else are you going to get a date with your husband or wife?

[00:02:42] Arranging the date sets the stage. That way, when you are on the date, everything is done. The time is protected, and the setting is set. This is what fosters intimacy. Work does have to be done to maintain a healthy, intimate, loving relationship. If you are using the excuse as a way to explain your addictive or out-of-control behavior, think again.

[00:03:08] Stress Coping Strategies for Your Relationship by Dr. Laura Dabney of drldabney.com How do you handle stress? Use coping strategies to help manage stress. Let's discuss healthy coping mechanisms for your relationship. When I talk about healthy coping mechanisms, I end up talking about relationship traps. What are relationship traps? Relationship traps are when you're on a separate page from your partner,

[00:03:36] and it always ends in a blow-up or a stalemate. There are four common relationship traps. The Right-Wrong Trap The Right-Wrong Trap is when one partner tries to convince the other partner that they are right. What's the problem with that? The problem is someone is the winner and someone is the loser. That is not a resolution. Sure, you may win, but this leaves the other person feeling like a loser. This is not a healthy long-term resolution.

[00:04:06] The Should Trap The Should Trap is when someone has a lot of information and they want to share it. They want to share the information to try and get the other person to think in the same way. What this really ends up being is pummeling them with information. This may leave the other person feeling overwhelmed and confused. They may go along for a while, but there isn't a resolution. These are the people that will get information from WebMD, the internet, books,

[00:04:35] and then tell their partner what they should do or what others should be doing. They lay all of this information on their partner, and they may go along with it for a while. This is a short-term solution and an added problem of adding shame to your partner. Your partner is an adult, and they do things in their own way and their own time. Just because it's not how you would do it doesn't mean it's wrong or bad. The Fantasy Other Trap

[00:05:02] This trap is the fantasy that the other partner has some kind of magical powers to read your mind. This is the person that tries to convince themselves that their partner has known them for so long, and they should know. Guess what? Your partner can't read your mind. It's never going to happen. When you have a problem, you need to speak up about it. When you have a need for something, tell your partner. He or she is never going to know what the huffing and puffing or banging things around are about.

[00:05:32] They'll never be able to read your mind. This is not an effective resolution. It's a trap that gets you caught up in mistrust. There is an unspoken agreement between healthy adults that they will speak up when they need something. Even if your partner could read your mind and they swept in and fixed the problem, it would be invasive. You may have a problem, but you may not need or want help. It's imperative that you speak up if you want help.

[00:06:00] He or she is trusting you to do that. The fantasy self-trap This is the idea that you have some special power to read the future or see the future. People who are stuck in this trap kick the problem and resolution down the road by declaring they know their partner is going to be mad. They know something bad is going to happen if they bring up the problem. So, what happens? The problem goes underground and there is no real resolution that causes chronic stress.

[00:06:31] You end up in a trap where you think, I know what's going to happen, so I'm not going to say anything. But you don't know if you brought it up once and it didn't go well. Remember, you and your partner are not the same person you were five years ago, five days ago, or even five minutes ago. Who knows what your partner was going through at that time? And it's your responsibility as an adult to state the problem. If it does go south like you thought, and I would say in my office 95% of the time it does not,

[00:07:01] then use one of the bridge statements from this article. You can say something along the lines of, this is not how I wanted the conversation to go. I don't want it to be an argument. We can try again after dinner. If it goes well, realize that you really can't predict the future and that stating it is a better idea. By avoiding these traps and finding a real solution, you will have the real stress management you need for your relationship.

[00:07:33] You just listened to the posts titled, Falling Out of Love and Addictive Behaviors, and Stress Coping Strategies for Your Relationship. Both by Dr. Laura Dabney of drldabney.com. Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR, or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this yoga nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap

[00:08:03] without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. A couple of great posts from Dr. Laura today, which we are very thankful for. She does such a good job of illustrating the landmines we can fall into in our relationships, right? Even if we feel well-intentioned. And I think that's the part least obvious, and thus the part most worth focusing on.

[00:08:33] Especially in the second article, we see how easily well-intentioned partners could fall into these traps. And while intentions are important, they're not so wholly that they should be regarded over our partner's feelings. Of course, there's a line at which to properly ask for and give criticism or guidance, and that line needs to be paid respect to, even if we're sure we're doing right by our partners, by withholding something that we think they'll get mad at,

[00:08:59] or telling them to take up a new habit that we've read is very important for health or something. In a partnership, thoughts and actions need to be shared regularly. Otherwise, it's very easy for the relationship to be more like a parent-child relationship, which certainly bends the equality that both partners should be feeling. So consider how carefully you're introducing ideas to your partner, but be sure to keep introducing them, whether or not they feel scary to.

[00:09:27] Doing so will help you to avoid falling into any one of these traps Laura has listed, and will also help prevent falling into behavior that's destructive to both you and your partner, as she mentioned in the first article I read. So, on that note, it is time to wrap up for the day, everyone. Thanks a lot for joining me for this double episode. Now go out and enjoy the rest of your Monday, and be sure to come on back tomorrow, where I will have another article waiting for you. And that's where your optimal life awaits. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.