3105: [Part 1] Connect by Cultivating Chosen Family by Kristine Klussman on Family Relationships

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:26] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Connect by Cultivating Chosen Family. Part 1 by Kristine Klussman of KristineKlussman.com Family remains one of the primary ways we source connection to others. If you are one of the lucky few, then your biological family may be a place where you source tremendous strength and well-being.

[00:00:48] But not everyone is born into a supportive, loving family with healthy dynamics. And if this is your situation, the emotional and health toll can be significant. Fortunately, there is an excellent solution that counteracts disconnection from our biological families. Cultivating our own chosen family.

[00:01:09] This approach to family connections can bring an enormous sense of empowerment and positive psychological benefits. Study after study confirms the immense positive influence that social support has on well-being, both physical and mental. When we feel that our social support is lacking, we wither and suffer. When we feel supported by people close to us, we thrive.

[00:01:33] By affirmatively seeking out the kind of people and relationships we want in a family, we are taking ownership over a hugely important area of our lives that may previously have been a rich source for feelings of helplessness and inadequacy. The Challenges of Biological Family Biological family relationships are for many people the source of recurring pain, unworthiness, and conflict.

[00:02:00] When you consider our unique personalities, genetic combinations, and life experiences, it's actually quite unrealistic to expect that we would feel closely bonded to every member of our family just because we share some DNA. Yet, this belief creates a lot of unnecessary long-term angst, guilt, and disappointment. For many people.

[00:02:23] Another common reason for family disconnection is the tendency we have to assign members of the family specific roles, such as the black sheep, the reliable one, the flake, the successful one, the drifter, etc., which may be viewed as permanent. In this kind of context, it's easy to become trapped and frustrated by a role that no longer serves you.

[00:02:47] We are ever-changing, ever-evolving beings on this earth, and we have an inherent need to develop and grow. When family members insist on seeing you as you were in your established family dynamic, it can stifle your ability to evolve, and as well your sense of authenticity. The messaging, feedback, and mirroring from family keeps you believing you are still limited to your small, defined role, while many other sides of you remain unacknowledged.

[00:03:17] Even when people are eager to accept and forgive the imperfection of our luck-of-the-draw biological family, we often still feel a deep and unfulfilled yearning for a different kind of familial support. We might want a form of love or support that our biological family can't offer, and one of the best ways of meeting this need is by cultivating a chosen family.

[00:03:39] Members of the LGBTQ community have long embraced this concept because of their own biological family's rejection or fundamental inability to understand or support their difference, or their need to live in the closet, hidden from their family's understanding.

[00:03:54] Since biological families were not typically a viable option for unconditional loving and supportive connection until fairly recently, and are still not an option for many, most LGBTQ people cultivated their own communities of close, loyal friends to serve that role. But many straight members of dysfunctional families also cultivate families by choice, finding people who love, support, and encourage them in ways their biological or stepfamilies would or could not.

[00:04:25] Defining the Chosen Family Chosen family are the beloved people in your life with whom you share a deep trust, loyalty, and mutual commitment. They are people who share similar values with you, and who are able and willing to guide and support your evolution to the person you were meant to be. Chosen family are the people you deliberately invite into your life. They can, but don't always, fill holes left by biological family members.

[00:04:51] These are the people to whom you would naturally turn in a moment of need, to share life's tragedies and life's greatest celebrations. Chosen family are often indistinguishable from close friends. The difference is the heightened intentionality, appreciation, and awareness that you bring to these relationships, as well as your willingness to commit to these relationships and see these people as more central to your life.

[00:05:15] They may be friends, non-biological relatives, extended family members, romantic partners, or even other people's children or parents with whom you feel a special connection and embrace as your own. I always have room on my dance card for additional maternal support and unconditional fatherly approval. And over the years, I've enjoyed bonding with certain of my friends' parents.

[00:05:40] Similarly, they enjoy having a deeper relationship with me and playing the role of surrogate mother or father in key life moments. One of my best friends happily shares her mother with me, and I semi-jokingly call myself the third daughter. But my friend's mother is often, in fact, the maternal figure I go to when I need a particular type of heartfelt sympathy or encouraging words to soothe a heartbreak of some kind. Another dear friend of mine has an extraordinary man as his father.

[00:06:10] He's someone who brims with pride at loved one's accomplishments, and he generously doles out his congratulations to everyone in his orbit. He makes it a point to follow his son's friends online and note their accomplishments. I can't wait to hear from this loving and supportive man after a business or personal success. I intentionally seek out these friends' parents at important moments because I know they will respond with the words and support I need to thrive.

[00:06:35] Rather than mourning or resenting that my biological parents may not be able to provide the exact type of emotional support I need at the specific moments I need it, I feel grateful that I have found people who excel at this type of connection and to welcome the opportunity to share it with me. The scope of the relationship is enormously flexible in a chosen family, and that is one of its greatest attributes.

[00:07:02] You can focus on people whom you embrace fully as your family, indistinguishable from actual family members, or you can focus on parts of people or aspects of your relationship with them that make them feel special to you and close in certain family-like ways. In my case, there is a young girl that I mentor who is in need of additional support. My commitment to her is such that she can show up on my doorstep and has,

[00:07:27] in a moment of crisis, any hour of the night, or call me to come get her. I don't have a love bond with her that is all-encompassing, where she actually feels like my daughter, but there is a way that our relationship feeds me at a deep level with a daughter-like kinship that is missing in my life, and feeds her in her need for a reliable adult that she can be open and honest with. It's easy to consider her part of my chosen family. Finding chosen family.

[00:07:56] Hear that in tomorrow's episode. You just listened to part one of the post titled Connect by Cultivating Chosen Family by Kristine Klussman of KristineKlussman.com Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR, or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this yoga nidra practice

[00:08:24] leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. And a big thank you to Christine for a great start to this article. I think there's a unique takeaway to be had when considering what she said about the roles often involuntarily assigned within traditional families. Roles like the black sheep or the reliable one.

[00:08:53] These assigned roles really address a significant issue that many face. And what I look forward to hearing Christine talk more about in the next part. And that is how our view of family and the members in it often fail to evolve. Not the people, but the view. The tendency of family members to continue viewing one through the lens of a past self can hinder individual growth and self-acceptance. And that's really the problem here.

[00:09:21] There is a stifling permanence to these roles, which can suppress family members and in many cases breed resentment. And I'm quite sure that by the end of this article tomorrow, we're going to have a really clear idea of how both individuals who have felt outed by their families, as well as entire families who can evolve successfully, can benefit from exploring the idea of chosen family. Hopefully, ideally, whilst not rejecting the idea of biological family altogether.

[00:09:50] I doubt Christine would do that. So, that's going to do it for today, everyone. But be sure to tune in for that continuation in tomorrow's episode. In the meantime, have a great rest of your day. And I look forward to reading the rest of this one for you tomorrow. That's where your optimal life awaits.