3106: [Part 2] Connect by Cultivating Chosen Family by Kristine Klussman on Meaningful Friendships

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:26] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Connect by Cultivating Chosen Family. Part 2. By Kristine Klussman of KristineKlussman.com Finding Chosen Family For most people, chosen family members are typically developed through social relationships or existing friend pools. But they can also include a larger set of people that may not strike you as obvious friends,

[00:00:51] such as people you admire profoundly and have yet to meet, those you share a deep passion with, young people you mentor or have a special bond with, or as in my case, an older generation of adults. The beauty of the concept of chosen family is that it's a far more inclusive and expansive group of people that can play a key role in your life.

[00:01:13] There are likely many people in this world who share your deeply held values and beliefs, and who are aligned with you emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually, many more than the people who happen to share a bloodline with you. I find that there is often an almost immediate feeling of kinship when you discover people who share your belief system, and they can feel like family to you even if you've never met them.

[00:01:35] When I meet people like this at a protest or somewhere else, I feel an almost instant love for them, and the mutual admiration and affection flows effortlessly. As we get to know each other further, we also typically discover each other's shared qualities and values. We are simpatico, kindred spirits.

[00:01:55] When you set your intention to prioritizing and attracting people into your life with whom you share a fundamental belief system, you have the means to create your own family culture. You choose and help to shape the culture that you identify with, instead of being defined by an existing, and often fixed, family culture that may or may not suit you. Cultivating Chosen Family

[00:02:21] As with everything related to connection, cultivating chosen family starts with setting a clear and powerful intention, consciously deciding that this is important to you, and then putting some attention to the matter, i.e. thought and effort. Start by considering the idea in a light-hearted way, where you hold the concept loosely and have fun with it. You want to feel comfortable and open-minded as you contemplate your self-made family tree.

[00:02:47] There are probably as many different right ways to find and interact with your chosen family as there are chosen families. You might cultivate individual relationships one by one, or join a small group of friends who share a mutual need and appreciation. You might approach it like I do, with an open heart and mind, scanning the environment for the many and various types of people who may feel like family to me.

[00:03:11] You could also adopt a larger group of people with whom you share something profound, such as a sobriety group or a veteran group that has literally been through the war together. I've heard many individuals in these groups share something deeply personal and express their feeling that the group is their family. You might enjoy expressing your chosen family intention and declaration out loud to people, singing it from the rooftops together.

[00:03:38] Or it can be a quiet, powerful, and loving intention you keep to yourself. It may be a combination, depending on the relationship. You might have a mutually expressed commitment with someone, where you say, I consider you my chosen family, and someone says, right back at you. Or it might be a one-sided statement, as with my friend's parents. I call them my surrogate or chosen mother and father, and they willingly accept and are flattered by this,

[00:04:06] but I'm certain they don't have the same need or yearning to call me their chosen or surrogate daughter. The one-sided nature of the expression doesn't remotely diminish the value of their chosen family status. It's up to you how you build your chosen family. You're choosing it, after all. But it's important not to put pressure on the process. Begin by opening your eyes and cluing into the people who give you the greatest sense of belonging.

[00:04:35] It's a slow, natural, ongoing process that you don't want to force. And if you're feeling uncomfortably forced by someone you're considering, well, you probably want to look elsewhere for the family you want. Interacting with Chosen Family One of the greatest features of Chosen Family is its lack of established expectations. You, the members of the Chosen Family, will decide how you like to interact and how often.

[00:05:03] In the case of my chosen parental figures, years may go by between our direct interactions, and that works perfectly fine for everyone. We might not speak directly, but I might hear from my friends, their biological children, my dad wanted to congratulate you and tell you how proud of you he is. Or, my mom was devastated when I told her what happened to you, and couldn't believe... These indirect interactions still feed me, and I think them, profoundly.

[00:05:32] And my conscious intention to internalize their words, as those of a parent, provides me with enormous satisfaction. If a partner or inner circle friend is part of your chosen family, their interaction and commitment will likely be much higher than this, and include daily contact, and intimate involvement in all aspects of each other's lives. But again, it's totally up to the people involved. One very powerful and important ritual many people have

[00:06:02] is including their chosen family in important family-type holidays and special occasions. The gesture has enormous symbolism, cementing the idea that you are family, without needing to state that explicitly. There is no more sacred inner chamber to be invited to than births, deaths, and intimate family holidays. This might be challenging for many people who feel out of obligation or an overzealous sense of loyalty,

[00:06:27] that they can be only with their biological families on these occasions. But, spending holidays only with biological family every year can feel like you're living in a rut. And I believe this is a big reason why the end-of-year holidays are such trying times for many people. If that's your situation, experiment with a friends-giving dinner, or inviting non-relatives more often to mix up and expand the usual family dynamic.

[00:06:56] One way to make this less threatening to relatives who may prefer traditional family-only events is to rotate the plan every other year, which is what I do. One year, I'll spend Christmas primarily with my biological family, wherever that may be happening. And the following year, my partner and I reach out to friends for alternative ideas and plans. Some of my most cherished holiday experiences have been the delightful surprise and authentic intimacy that comes from celebrating a holiday with new people.

[00:07:25] To be clear, the purpose and beauty of intentionally cultivating a chosen family is not to diminish, replace, negate, or threaten your loyalties to your biological relatives. It's simply to augment and expand your definition of family into a more flexible and inclusive frame. I think of it as a win-win that really has no downside. You just listened to part two of the post titled

[00:07:55] Connect by Cultivating Chosen Family by Kristine Klussman of christineklissman.com. Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this yoga nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR

[00:08:23] and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. And there we have it, part two from Christine in the books. There was a lot to like in today's excerpt, but the discussion on integrating chosen family into traditional family holidays stands out as particularly intriguing to me. Traditional family gatherings, especially during the holidays, they're often about ritual, they're about culture, and I think a lot of unspoken family rules.

[00:08:53] Incorporating chosen family members into these settings can be difficult due to whatever existing conventions there might be. But like Christine suggests, it can also rejuvenate and breathe fresh life into what might otherwise become stagnant traditions. Experimenting with alternatives like friends giving or alternating holiday plans, as Christine does, offers more balance and seems to be well-liked by the many people who are trying it, at least from what I've heard. And really all this boils down

[00:09:23] to a reimagining of family norms, if we're brave enough to do it. By choosing to include non-biological members in deeply personal events, we are actively challenging and reshaping what it means to be family. This article is really not about undermining biological ties, but enriching one's life with new connections. So, think today folks about how you can help your family to evolve. It's time to wrap things up for now. Thanks so much for listening to both parts one and two of this post,

[00:09:52] and doing right by your relationships in doing so. Have a great rest of your day, and I look forward to being back here again with you tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.