3107: Why Can't He Just Cooperate? How To Handle Your Non-Compliant Child by Adina Soclof of Parenting Simply on Positive Parenting

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[00:00:57] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Why can't he just cooperate? How to handle your non-compliant child. By Adina Sokoloff of ParentingSimply.com Dear Adina, I have taken your class and have found it to be very helpful. I am able to use the communication techniques that you taught with all but one of my children. I have four children. For example, I will say, When all the blocks and Legos are put away in the box, we will have our snack.

[00:01:26] Three children will clean up, and one child, my son, will sit on the table and continue to play. What do I do then? Answer. You will always have that one child who likes to rock the boat. It's actually hard to see, but it does show strength of character. He likes to do his own thing. Some children have a hard time complying and need an extra nudge. It sounds crazy, but every parent needs a child like this in their life if they want to develop their own strength of character.

[00:01:55] Fortitude and patience. To help your child listen, you can try the following. 1. Don't let him get to you Some children like to make waves and engage their parents in a power struggle. It makes them feel important and powerful. It's a basic human need. Children want to feel valued and in control, and this is how they demonstrate that need. It seems a little backward to rational thinking adults, but it's one of those quirky things about children's behavior.

[00:02:22] Your son is just letting you know that he's feeling small and vulnerable. He's letting you know that he wants to be in charge and that no one can tell him what to do, especially his own mother. It's in everyone's best interest to remain calm. You might be thinking, he's doing this to bother me. He's always so difficult. But instead, you can try to change your frame of mind. Try saying to yourself,

[00:02:54] You can retrain your brain to think positive thoughts. This will help you have better interactions with your child. 2. Remind him of his goodness and his abilities It will help you and him to think about the times in the past that he has helped or he has been cooperative. You can also remind him of his other accomplishments. It will help him feel good about himself, which is what he really wants. It will also impress the other children. He may feel as if he needs to live up to his reputation.

[00:03:23] You can say, I know you can clean up. I remembered how much you helped me yesterday when the family room was such a mess. I know you can clean up now. Or, A boy like you who can win a basketball championship will be able to clean blocks without any problem. 3. Give him the benefit of the doubt It's always valuable to judge children favorably and reflect children's difficult feelings. Children are often dealing with some tough emotions.

[00:03:51] It's hard for children to listen and do things that they don't want to do. It's also hard to not be in charge when you so want to be. Once we understand this, we can view children with compassion. This can help us gain their cooperation. In this case, you can say, Oh boy, something must be really bothering you and making you upset. You're not ready to put away your blocks, even if it means you're getting a snack. Do you need a minute or two to get it together? 4. Use it as an opportunity to teach kindness

[00:04:20] I was always taught that sometimes it's more effective to be kind, even in the face of disrespect and anger. It can diffuse tension and encourage better behavior more than anything else can. You can try saying, Mikey is having trouble cleaning up. He's pretty upset. Can we give him a break today and do his job for him? 5. Mikey, don't worry about cleaning up today. This morning you helped me get the baby as breakfast, and you carried the baby to the car. You look like you can use a rest. Guys, let's clean up.

[00:04:50] I'm sure Mikey will reciprocate when one of us is having a tough day. 5. Give him what he needs It would also be helpful to acknowledge his need for extra attention and help him feel valued. This can be done very simply. You can whisper in his ear, I know you're having a hard time right now. After you finish cleaning up, let's talk about when we can make a time to go out together. 6. Assign positive intent

[00:05:15] Another way to help him cooperate is to assume that he wants to help, but that he just didn't hear you. You can say, You probably didn't hear that it's time to clean up, Mikey. It's time to clean up. 7. Give him time to transition Your son might have trouble transitioning from one activity to another. You might want to give him a warning to let him know that cleanup time will be coming up in 5 or 10 minutes. You can say, Clean up time will start in 5 minutes.

[00:05:43] If you need more than 5 minutes to finish playing, let me know. If you think you need extra time, we can clean up in 10 minutes. This also gives him some control over the situation, which is what he really needs. 8. Praise Children should be commended when they comply, even if at first they defied you. It's the final action that counts. A child who overcomes his initial resistance and does what his parents ask him to do shows more strength of character than a child who readily obeys.

[00:06:12] Children who have a tough time following rules need to hear that it's normal to feel oppositional and that they're not bad for feeling that way. This will ensure that there will be more cooperation in the future. He will be more aware of his personality and he'll be able to control his impulses more effectively. You can say, You cleaned up even if you didn't want to. It's so hard to do something that other people tell you that you have to do. That shows strength of character. You should be proud of yourself.

[00:06:39] It is ironic, but non-compliant children need more compassion, more patience, and an extra dose of sensitivity. They will push our buttons like no one else can, but they can also teach us that we have the stamina and the endurance that we need to deal with difficult parenting situations. You just listened to the post titled Why Can't He Just Co-Operate? How to Handle Your Non-Compliant Child By Adina Sokloff of ParentingSimply.com

[00:07:35] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this yoga nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. And there we have it. Thank you so much to Edina for sharing this one today.

[00:08:05] I think this article is just such a good kind of grounding summation of all of her teachings. And it really reflects what I believe one of her core teaching beliefs is. And that is getting on the same side as your children by seeking to understand them as opposed to working against them. What she's describing in this article is an instinct that we all sort of had as children and usually follows us into adulthood.

[00:08:29] And that is that acting out in a way that seems aggressive and rebellious is, you know, it's ultimately because we feel slighted or insecure. Listeners of this show and others in the network have likely heard many times throughout our readings that there's always a sense of fear or vulnerability embedding inappropriate or hostile behavior.

[00:08:49] And therefore, a big goal as parents or non-parents who want to have stronger relationships with our children or anyone else is to keep this knowledge at the top of our minds so we can engage with these people, whomever they are, in a way that allows us to hear them rather than defend ourselves against what we interpret to be an attack. There are long-term benefits to this, especially as a parent, because when we start fights or go to war with our kids, we only stand to get what feels like a good result.

[00:09:19] But ultimately, we run the risk of silencing our children, which only breeds more pushback down the road. So look to Adina's list today and consider what you can do to get on their team instead of letting your ego run the show. And with that, it is time to wrap up another episode of ORD, everyone. Thanks again to Adina for a post that I feel was extraordinarily versatile, as much of her work is. Have a great rest of your day, folks, and be sure to tune back in tomorrow for another parenting post. That's where your optimal life awaits.