3113: What Is Your Role in Your Relationship? by Dr. Lisa Firestone of PsychAlive on Strong Partnerships

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[00:00:28] Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. This is Optimal Relationships Daily. What Is Your Role in Your Relationship?

[00:00:57] By Dr. Lisa Firestone of PsychAlive.org Conflict between a couple can often feel convoluted and layered in ways that are hard to make sense of. But there is one dynamic that may be a bit easier to wrap our heads around. Very often, couples get into trouble when one person takes the role of a parent and the other the role of a child.

[00:01:20] Breaking down this dynamic can shed light on how it might be infiltrating our relationship and diminishing our love, respect, and attraction to our partner. Here, we will explore what parental and childish behavior looks like between a couple and what we can do to change it. Many of us can relate to scenarios in which one partner is being parental. That is, being instructive, superior, or even disciplinary in their style of relating.

[00:01:48] They may offer a lot of advice or assistance based on a general inclination to take care of or direct the other person. They may frequently overstep boundaries and do too much for their partner, often seeing the other person critically, as helpless or irresponsible. A parental partner may have a tendency to be corrective, telling the other person what he or she should do or should have done. In response, their partner is often frustrated, offended, or defiant.

[00:02:18] Conversely, the partner in a more childish role may cry, fall apart, or use passive-aggressive strategies to get their way. They often feel victimized by their partner. They may even feel helpless or reliant on their partner. They may behave in ways that are incompetent or irresponsible, provoking their partner and inciting the other person to step in and take over.

[00:02:42] When confronted, the childish person may feel easily hurt or sulk, which is more likely to elicit a parental reaction from their resentful partner. It's easy to see how either person caught up in one side of this dynamic would trigger the other, creating a painful, repetitive cycle. Like most couple conflicts, it's hard to place blame. Because both people have valid complaints about the other.

[00:03:06] The best thing to do in this case is to catch on to the pattern itself, and recognize the ways we perpetuate the cycle by playing our half of it. To do this, we should look at the specific behaviors associated with the parent-child dynamic, as well as the behavior we should strive for to enjoy an equal relationship. Childish or submissive versus the parental or dominant.

[00:03:30] The most basic tendency in this pattern is for the parental person to feel the need to control the other, and for the other person in a more childish mode to feel dominated. The goal, of course, should be equality in the relationship, with each person valuing the other's autonomy, individuality, and independence. Passive and dependent versus driven and compulsive.

[00:03:52] A person in a childish role will often be more passive and dependent, looking to be directed by others or to be taken care of by their partner. A parental partner may be more likely to push themselves and others to achieve what they should. This is often done in a driven and critical way that can feel controlling. The aim of both individuals, rather, should be to be proactive and self-assertive in their own lives and goals, thinking ahead and going after what they want.

[00:04:22] Defensive and angry versus rigid and righteous. A parental partner can be closed off to other points of view, defensive, or even punishing when they receive feedback. They may counterattack self-righteously in relation to suggestions or criticism. When a partner is in a childish mode, they may tend to fall apart and become self-hating or sulky when they're given feedback. It's helpful for both people to try to remain non-defensive and open toward each other.

[00:04:50] In an adult mode, both people are curious and willing to explore input from their partner, and welcome constructive criticism that can help them grow individually and in the relationship. Irrational versus overly rational slash moralistic. A person in a child mode is often ruled by emotion, which then leads them to lose track of what's really going on or what's in their best interest.

[00:05:14] A person in a parent mode can go too far the other way, focusing excessively on being rational at the expense of feeling. They can become cynical and critical or moralistic, which further frustrates the partner who's feeling more emotionally triggered. There's a balance for both people, who can strive to be both rational and in touch with feeling. Ideally, adults experience their emotions, but their actions are based on their moral compass and their goals.

[00:05:41] This holds true for their own behavior as well as for the actions toward their partner. Inability to formulate and or pursue goals versus rigid formulation of goals. A person in a child mode can find it difficult to focus or uncover what they want or how to go about getting it. They can operate like a ship without a rudder, struggling to find their way. A parental person may approach pursuits more rigidly or without joy, turning wants and goals into shoulds and musts.

[00:06:11] Each person and the relationship itself are much better off when both parties stay in touch with their unique wants, both formulating and implementing goals by taking the appropriate actions to achieve their desires. Covert negative power versus domineering Someone assuming a parental role can often be bossy. Sometimes they may even become abusive of power, intimidating others through anger or aggression.

[00:06:37] A person who feels like a child in the situation may attempt to manipulate by playing the victim. This person can control others through weakness and may fall apart in an effort to get what he or she wants. Both of these patterns are destructive. Instead of asserting power over the other, each person should strive to have personal power, in which they both take full power over every part of their conscious existence and change any behavior or traits that they dislike.

[00:07:03] If they develop a sense of personal power, both people will feel stronger in themselves and know that they can affect their own lives. When couples start to identify that they are engaging in these patterns, they have a tendency to blame their partner or they think that ending the relationship is the best solution. However, if we just externalize the problem or give up trying to make our relationship better, we never change the underlying problem of our own defenses.

[00:07:30] And in future relationships, we will tend to quickly recreate the same dynamics. However, to break this cycle in a current relationship or prevent it from repeating in a future relationship, we can understand that we come by these behaviors honestly and that we can change the damaging cycle or pattern by changing ourselves. We need to start with compassion for ourselves.

[00:07:54] Our tendency to act childish or parental arose from defenses we formed to adapt and survive in our early lives. These adaptations may have served us well in childhood, but they are hurting and limiting us in our adult relationships. When we engage in parental or childish behavior, we are perpetuating an unhealthy dynamic. However, catching on to the ways we engage in these patterns and actively challenging them can truly transform our relationship.

[00:08:23] It may cause us anxiety to be more vulnerable, to give up on the defenses of our past and show up as open adults with our partner. But by doing this, we create our best chance of achieving the real love and closeness we say we want. You just listened to the post titled What is your role in your relationship? By Dr. Lisa Firestone of psychalive.org

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[00:09:19] Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. And a big thank you to Dr. Lisa for yet another wonderful post.

[00:09:48] The parent-child dynamic in relationships is really interesting, and Dr. Lisa spoke so well about it today. But know that it is only the tip of the iceberg when, considering how our own defenses, as she put it, can inform the partners that we choose. In many cases, the people we date or find ourselves attracted to represent a certain something that we're after, leaving us to date ideas instead of individuals sometimes.

[00:10:14] You know, one person might find themselves regularly attracted to risk-takers, and in reality are trying to fill a deep-seated void for adventure more than anything. Or maybe it's the opposite. Someone might be most attracted to mild-mannered people, craving a life of stability that they don't trust themselves to cultivate with a partner who might speak up or act up a little more. There's so much to this, and it can be very sad for both parties involved. So all the more reason to really do your self-work,

[00:10:43] and learn to know and love as much as possible about yourself and your partner before taking big next steps in your relationships. But on that note, we're going to call it for today. Another one in the books, folks, and I thank you so much for tuning in. You've done a good thing for your relationships by stopping in today and considering the role that you might play. So go out and put this newfound knowledge to use, and I'll look forward to talking to you again tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.