3120: How to Get Over a Breakup by Sarah Von Bargen of Yes and Yes on Breakup Recovery

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[00:00:28] Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. This is Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:55] How to get over a breakup by Sarah Von Bargen of YesAndYes.org Dear Sarah, From reading your blog, I know that you recently went through a bad breakup. And I'm currently in that situation. While it's not bad in the sense that we're not talking and hate each other, it is bad in the sense that it hurts every second of every day. And as much as I would rather be with him, he decided that we would be better off apart.

[00:01:23] How do you get over a breakup? How have you been doing it and what has helped you? Oh, friend. I am flattered that you think I could write a how-to post on this. But I think this piece should be more accurately titled, How to turn the corner after a breakup, stop crying in the bathroom at work, and begin to enjoy your life again, but still sometimes cry when you hear that one song. But that's a really long title for a blog post.

[00:01:50] With that said, here is how to get over a breakup. 1. Remove the ex from your life, at least for a while. The truly mutual, friendly breakup is a rare bird. Usually someone's feelings are bound to be hurt. If you were the injured party, I think it's particularly important to distance yourself for a bit. If you hang out with the ex all the time, you may find yourself trying to be your best, most charming self.

[00:02:17] Of course, you want them to see the error of their ways and run back to you. And if you genuinely enjoy each other's company and really like hanging out with each other, well, that's not going to help anybody get over anybody. It's really, really hard to take this step. And you might even worry that you're hurting this person. Just tell them that you're not trying to be malicious or hurtful, and that someday you'd like to be friends. Regardless, right now you need some distance for your mental health. Then de-friend them.

[00:02:47] 2. Be 100% honest with yourself about any issues that you had with your ex or the relationship. We all make compromises in relationships, and no relationship is perfect. Common knowledge, right? But sometimes when we are in the thick of things, we downplay how much something means to us in an effort to keep the peace. There's not really any point in obsessing over his love for bad science fiction, is there? But now that you're not together anymore,

[00:03:17] be honest with yourself about the things that didn't work for you in the relationship. They might not have been huge issues, but have a good think on them. Be thankful that you don't have to deal with them anymore. 3. Put yourself on a dating hiatus If you just got out of a relationship, especially a long-term one, being single feels like visiting a foreign country. And as tempting as it is to hook up with the first applicant for the position of snuggle buddy, is probably a bad idea.

[00:03:47] You're not ready for it, and you might end up hurting a lovely unsuspecting person who just wants to love you. If you feel weird about being single, view it as a… Dating diet. None of that high-calorie hooking up and number swapping for you. Only heaping helpings of girlfriends, fun, and go-nowhere flirting. I've even allotted a specific end date to my dating diet, September 1st, to make it seem more fun.

[00:04:14] As though I will immediately begin making out with a delicious gentleman at the strike of midnight on August 31st. 4. Have heaps of fun with your friends Now that you're single, you probably have heaps more time to spend with all the amazing people in your life. Also, view this time as an opportunity for your friends to go to bat for you. Don't be afraid to bawl your little eyes out over beer and cheese and bacon cupcakes. Or around the bonfire. Or at the coffee shop. Or all of the above.

[00:04:44] You've helped them through their dreams. They will help you get through this. But it doesn't have to be all weeping and yelling about how you were too good for him anyway. Go to the drive-in. Or the zoo. Or the tarot card reader. Road trip and skinny dip and make popsicles. Do so many fun things that you're too busy to think about what's their name. 5. Make a new plan If you are in a long-term relationship, there's a good chance that this person played into your plans for the future.

[00:05:14] Maybe you were going to go to your second-choice school to be closer to them. Or live in the city instead of the mountains. Maybe you were going to work part-time because they could support you. But things are different now. And doesn't everything feel better if you have a plan? Sit down with a cup of tea and a journal. And think about what you really want to do. Now that you don't have anyone else to consider. The sky's the limit. 6. Make some changes A new apartment. A new haircut. A new wardrobe.

[00:05:44] The change in your relationship status might not feel so completely overwhelming when it's part of a hurricane of changes in your life. I think it also really helps to mix things up a bit so you're not constantly surrounded with the sweater you wore on your first date, the book he gave you for your birthday, and the couch where you first made out. Besides, this is a totally sanctioned excuse for shopping. 7. Take care of yourself

[00:06:09] It is incredibly, incredibly tempting to devolve into a sweats-wearing, ice cream-snarfing, SATC-viewing mess. But you'll feel heaps better if you look after yourself. If you're going to fanny around the house all day, at least do it in a kimono. If you're going to pig out, do it with goat cheese and baguettes. If you want to watch bad TV, do it with your friends. Don't forget to get some sunshine and get a little bit of exercise, though.

[00:06:38] It might be hard to get going, but you'll be so glad you did that, instead of sitting inside, listening to Jeff Buckley and eating a whole frozen pizza. 8. Practice the art of letting go You can't control your ex's decisions. You can only control your responses to them. Maybe they chose to end your relationship. That doesn't mean you're not amazing and gorgeous and totally, totally lovable. It just means that they weren't the right person for you right now.

[00:07:10] You just listened to the post titled How to get over a breakup by Sarah Von Bargen of yesandyes.org And I'll be back right after this with my commentary.

[00:07:47] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. And thank you so much to Sarah for taking a swing at this one.

[00:08:17] A lot of good ideas here today, some of which might be easier or more effective for you than others. And that's okay. When we read these lists about how to overcome something huge in your life or make some big change happen, we're often so seduced by the allure of overcoming our obstacle all at once that we feel we need to put all these strategies into play immediately. But we don't have to. Start simple. Start slow. Find what works for you and take your recovery one step at a time.

[00:08:48] Honestly, one of my favorite parts of this article, and what I think supports this idea best, is one of the first things that Sarah mentioned. That this piece should be more accurately titled, How to Turn the Corner After a Breakup, Stop Crying in the Bathroom at Work, and Begin to Enjoy Your Life Again, But Still Sometimes Cry When You Hear That One Song. And why? Because you more than likely won't climb this whole mountain at once, even if you think you have.

[00:09:12] Focus on those small wins and use the momentum garnered from them to keep making more steady progress. There's no reason to put pressure on yourself to completely heal from a breakup right away, even if the relationship was horrendous. We all have different subconscious reactions to breakups that put us on different timelines for recovery, and we need to allow that. But we have now reached the end of this post, everyone, in this episode as well.

[00:09:40] I hope that it's been helpful for those of you who might be recovering from a breakup, even if it's not a romantic one. Maybe you just ended a relationship with a friend or something like that. Thank you so much for tuning in, and as always, be sure to join us again tomorrow for more content where your optimal life awaits. Or to hang up on the other side. Now I'm building on the left.