3121: What's Wrong with Strict Parenting? by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids on Positive Parenting

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[00:00:47] Das ist Optimal Relationships Daily. Was ist falsch mit Strict Parenting? von Dr. Laura Markham von PeacefulParentHappyKids.com Research shows that most people think strict parenting produces better behaved kids.

[00:01:03] However, research studies on discipline consistently show that strict or authoritarian child raising actually produces kids with lower self-esteem who behave worse than other kids and therefore get punished more. Strict parenting actually creates behavior problems in children. Why? 1. Strict parenting deprives kids of the opportunity to internalize self-discipline and responsibility.

[00:01:31] Harsh limits may temporarily control behavior, but they don't help a child learn to self-regulate. Instead, harsh limits trigger a resistance to taking responsibility for themselves. There is no internal tool more valuable for kids than self-discipline, but it develops from the internalization of loving limits. No one likes to be controlled, so it's not surprising that kids reject limits that aren't empathic.

[00:01:58] They see the locus of control outside of themselves, rather than wanting to behave. 2. Authoritarian parenting, limits without empathy, is based on fear. It teaches kids to bully. Kids learn what they live and what you model, right? Well, if kids do what you want because they fear you, how is that different than bullying? If you yell, they'll yell. If you use force, they'll use force.

[00:02:27] 3. Kids raised with punitive discipline have tendencies toward anger and depression. That's because authoritarian child raising makes it clear to kids that part of them is not acceptable, and that parents aren't there to help them learn to cope and manage those difficult feelings that drive them to act out. They're left lonely, trying to sort out for themselves how to overcome their lesser impulses.

[00:02:52] 4. Kids raised with strict discipline learn that power is always right. They learn to obey, but they don't learn to think for themselves. Later in life, they won't question authority when they should. They're less likely to take responsibility for their actions, and more willing to follow the peer group, or to dodge responsibility by saying that they were only trying to follow orders. 5. Kids raised with harsh discipline tend to be more rebellious.

[00:03:21] Studies show that children raised with a strict parenting style tend to be more angry and rebellious as teenagers and young adults. To see why, simply consider how this works for most adults. Virtually all of us were raised with some degree of harshness, and we chafe at control to that degree, even when we're the ones imposing it. That means we end up with problems regulating ourselves. Sometimes this shows up as anger and resentfulness at any perceived limit or criticism,

[00:03:50] or by overreacting when we think someone is trying to tell us what to do. Sometimes it shows up in rebellion against the limits we impose on ourselves. For instance, we may harshly starve ourselves with a new diet, and then rebel by binging. Not surprisingly, studies show that kids raised with strict parenting are more likely to become overweight. 6. Because kids raised strictly only do right when we're there, they get into more trouble.

[00:04:18] They also become excellent liars. 7. Authoritarian parenting undermines the parent-child relationship. Parents who relate punitively to their kids have to cut off their natural empathy for their children, which makes the relationship less satisfying to both parent and child. Parenting also becomes much harder for these parents, because their kids lose interest in pleasing them, and become much more difficult to manage.

[00:04:46] So strict parenting makes for unhappy parents, and children who are parented strictly end up fighting with parents and carrying a chip on their shoulder. As they get older, they look for love in all the wrong places. The bottom line is that strictness does not work in creating better-behaved kids. In fact, it sabotages everything positive we do as parents, and handicaps our kids in their efforts to develop emotional self-discipline.

[00:05:15] So, does permissive parenting work? No. And what does work? Many studies show that there's another way that works best. This approach has been called authoritative parenting. But I don't like that word, because it is usually confused with authoritarian. Notice, they're spelled differently, and they don't mean the same thing. Instead, I call this parenting style empathic limits, to get across the point that we do set limits,

[00:05:43] just like the authoritarian strict parents, but we do it with empathy, just like the permissive parents. Children thrive on limits, and age-appropriate expectations, but only if they're set with empathy. But, it's important to note that this doesn't just mean a happy medium between permissive and strict. The happy medium approach tends to compromise standards in ways that aren't good for kids okay, you can stay up later, while continuing to use punishments like timeouts.

[00:06:13] Milder, but still punishments. In other words, it isn't great for either parents or kids, even if it isn't as bad as authoritarian or permissive. Why? Because parents feel forced to compromise their standards, and their kids still don't behave very well, because the parent is still using punishment. What we're really aiming for is the expectations and limits that keep kids functioning at a high level,

[00:06:40] combined with the warmth and support of permissive. That combination of empathy and limits is the sweet spot that raises amazing kids, and makes for the best parenting. You just listened to the post titled What's Wrong with Strict Parenting? by Dr. Laura Markham of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com Wo gibt's eigentlich die weißen Rosen aus Athen?

[00:07:07] Und wo regnet's für mich nochmal rote Rosen? Natürlich im Europa-Rosarium Sangerhausen mit der größten Rosensammlung der Welt. Viele tausend Rosenarten warten auf Sie mit prachtvollen Blüten und herrlichem Duft. www.rosarium.de Die richtige Business-Idee ist da, aber es fehlt an Zeit- und Programmierkenntnissen. Warum? Der IONOS KI App und Zeitbilder setzt Ihre Idee schnell und einfach per Chat-Eingabe um.

[00:07:35] Ob App, Website oder digitales Tool. Die KI baut es und mit nur einem Klick geht es live. Domain und sicheres Hosting auf europäischen Servern inklusive. Jetzt schon ab 9 Euro pro Monat starten. Auf ionos.de slash app. IONOS. Digital an Ihrer Seite. And thanks so much to Dr. Laura for this one. A pretty powerful argument is presented here against the widespread belief that strict parenting is correlated with well-behaved children. Look, wherever you stand on this,

[00:08:04] I think it really cannot be emphasized enough how crucial the development of self-discipline is in a child's formative years. And this post captures how strict parenting, characterized by harsh limits and lack of empathy, impedes the growth of self-discipline. When a child feels as though there's an attempt to control them, the desire to embrace good behavior naturally diminishes. And personal responsibility is now nowhere to be found.

[00:08:32] Not too similar to how we respond as adults, right? So, the balance of setting empathic limits helps parents to nurture well-rounded kids who grow into well-rounded adults. And I think that what Dr. Laura wants us to take away from this is that such an approach is not only an investment in the child's future, but also ensures a better relationship between the parent and the child. Not just in the future, but also now, of course, too. So, things to think about parents

[00:09:00] as we call curtain on another episode of ORD. But thank you so much for coming and making this episode possible. And be sure to tune back in tomorrow because, as usual, we have another post coming for you that is all about parenting. I hope to see you there, where your optimal life awaits.