3125: 10 Questions Happy Couples Are Constantly Asking One Another by Anita Chlipala with Gottman on Lasting Love

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:26] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, 10 Questions Happy Couples Are Constantly Asking One Another by Anita Chlipala with Gottman.com Ah, relationship beginnings. The stream of non-stop texting. The late night conversations that will make you starry-eyed even into the next morning.

[00:00:47] Then time passes. You get married. Life gets crazy. And you fall into that rut of talking about who's picking up the dry cleaning or what you're having for dinner tonight. Your daily conversations went from loving talk to logistical talk. Newlyweds vow that this will never be them, but too many couples become emotionally disconnected and they never saw it coming.

[00:01:09] This doesn't have to be your story. When I was writing my book, First Comes Us, The Busy Couple's Guide to Lasting Love, it became clear that couples who managed to feel connected did things differently. They were deliberate about maintaining and engaging real dialogue with each other. Sorry, conversations about the dishwasher don't count.

[00:01:30] Notably, their methods did not involve grand displays of affection or an inordinate amount of time. In fact, the little things often pack more punch than the few infrequent grand gestures. One of the easiest ways to reconnect, that doesn't even cost a dime or that much time, is to ask meaningful, open-ended questions and be fully present in conversations. I've rounded up some of the best questions. But before you begin, two things.

[00:01:59] One, be intentional. Set aside time. Start with maybe 20 minutes where you can focus on your partner without any distractions and shut off the TV and put the cell phones in another room. And two, let yourself be vulnerable. It's a pathway to intimacy and it helps you build and maintain trust. Here are 10 questions that will help you deepen your relationship. Once you get started, don't be surprised if your 20-minute conversations turn into an hour.

[00:02:27] Number one, what is your best and worst memory of your childhood? Talking about your childhood experiences, both the positive and the things that hurt you, can give your partner insight into what has shaped you as an adult. Knowing their beliefs can bring more understanding and appreciation of your partner's beliefs, ways of being, and differences. Number two, list your three biggest needs and how can I fulfill them.

[00:02:55] One of the best ways to make sure your spouse feels satisfied and connected is to fulfill their needs. Think about the things that are essential to feeling happy in your relationship and give your partner specific ways that they can meet your needs. This doesn't mean that they are at your beck and call, but when they do things that are important to you, how could you not feel even closer? Number three, of your friends and family, who do you think has the best relationship and why?

[00:03:24] Sometimes people have a hard time articulating what they want or need in a relationship, but they can recognize it when they see it in another couple. Number four, what is the best part about being together? As time passes, you grow together as a couple. You'll continue to experience new things as a couple, and your answers may change as the years go by. Revisit this one frequently.

[00:03:48] Number five, what kinds of things do I do that annoy you, and what kinds of behaviors do you think I should stop or modify? You can hope that your partner is honest with you about your behaviors that bother them. This isn't always so. Some people are conflict avoidant, and they ignore these actions, only to have feelings come out in resentment or a rage later. It might hurt your ego, but it's not realistic to believe that we won't annoy our partner, even unintentionally.

[00:04:16] Being proactive can help minimize unnecessary negativity. Number six, does anything keep you awake at night that you haven't shared with me? Sometimes your partner may keep something from you because they don't want to burden you with their troubles, knowing you have enough stress of your own. When you know each other's stressors, you can provide support, understanding, and empathy. Number seven, is there something that you've dreamed of doing but haven't yet? What's prevented you from doing this?

[00:04:45] Your partner may have different dreams than when you first met him. That's okay. Asking this question gives you insight into what they want and what blocks them from achieving their dreams. You want to be your spouse's biggest supporter in reaching their goals. Number eight, why do you love me? And when did you feel most loved by me? It's easy to say the three words, thinking that might be enough. But knowing why reminds your partner that you recognize their unique qualities.

[00:05:15] Also, people love differently, and thus they feel loved differently. Differences are inevitable, but it's important to have ongoing communication about what you both need to feel the most loved by each other. Number nine, what would you consider unforgivable and why? It's not surprising for couples to make brief statements like, If you cheated, I would leave you. Or, if you blew our savings, I would get a divorce. They don't talk in depth about the pain they would feel and why.

[00:05:45] Knowing in greater detail what would deeply hurt your husband can bring a dose of reality and help protect your relationship. And number ten, how can we make our intimacy better? One of the most vulnerable areas in most marriages, if not the most, is physical intimacy. When a repeated rejection to intimacy is taken as a personal rejection, disconnection can easily set in. Talking about intimacy is an important part of having a great life together.

[00:06:14] Be gentle and positive, and focus on the things you need and want, as opposed to what your partner is doing wrong or not enough of. Intimacy suffers when people stay focused on the things that aren't going well, or take the good things for granted. Asking questions and constantly pointing out what you love will help you stay focused on these good things, and will help your relationship soar. It's no secret, but it is how couples stay happy.

[00:06:44] You just listened to the post titled, 10 Questions Happy Couples Are Constantly Asking One Another, by Anita Chlipala with Gottman.com And thanks so much to Anita for this really valuable post. There's already a lot to take away from this one. So rather than adding to it, I'll instead recommend a great game to pair with it. There's a card game that you can pick up pretty much anywhere that sells games, including like Target. And it's called We're Not Really Strangers. And this is not a sponsor.

[00:07:12] It also comes in a couples edition, comes in a best friends edition, and some others too, I think. But the whole premise of it is that you and a group, or you with your partner, ask meaningful questions of each other. So each card in the game has a different question tailored to help you get to know one another better. Or to help you get to know your relationship better. And as the game progresses, the questions get more in-depth. I know for me it's been such a wonderful way to get to know new friends that I have over for game nights. I really love it, and I couldn't recommend it enough.

[00:07:42] So do check that out if you enjoyed this post. You will not be disappointed, I promise you. It's time to wrap things up for now though, everyone. Again, I thank you so much for being here and making another episode possible. Have a terrific start to your week, and I'll hope to see you again tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.