3127: The Marriage Diaries: Surprise! I Was a Lousy Wife by Mary Carver on Marriage Expectations

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[00:00:57] Surprise! I Was a Lousy Wife. By Mary Carver. 19 years ago today, I went on my first date with my husband. And next spring, we will have been married for 15 years. I was 20 years old when I said, I do. Or as I often call it, stupid young. Of course, I don't mean to imply that all 20-year-olds are stupid, or that getting married young is a stupid decision for everyone. But I honestly was too young.

[00:01:25] And, yes, a little stupid. The scripture we chose for our wedding ceremony was the familiar passage, Corinthians 1.13. Like every other romantic cliché that I was determined to shoehorn into my life back then, love is patient, love is kind, was the obvious choice for wisdom on which to base our future relationship behavior. In hindsight, though, what I really needed to hear and take to heart as I entered into a lifelong commitment

[00:01:53] at the ripe, old, know-it-all age of 20 was a little verse from Proverbs. Quote, It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, on the flat roof, exposed to all kinds of weather, than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and fault-finding woman. End quote. Last year, my husband and I experienced a marriage crisis. After nearly 13 years of the same fights, the same hurts, the same disappointments,

[00:02:23] we came to a point where we simply couldn't take any more. We'd had it. We were done. Fortunately, we managed to finally face our real issues, deal with a lot of junk we'd brought into our relationship and nurtured over the years, and work through our problems. At the end of that difficult season, we were blessed with a new marriage, a redeemed marriage. Several things factored into the rescue of our marriage, including the Lord truly moving in my husband's heart,

[00:02:51] a miracle for which I will never stop being grateful. But I don't know that I'd be talking about a redeemed marriage today if it weren't for an unexpected change that occurred in my own heart. I realized I'd been a lousy wife. When I look back on the days before my wedding, I'm surprised at my juvenile understanding of and approach to a grown-up relationship. While I can recall many mental debates with myself, and actual debates with friends who thought I was crazy for getting married before I'd finished college,

[00:03:21] about whether Mark would be a good husband, I'm pretty sure the question of my own ability to be a good wife never occurred to me. No, not once. How would he treat me? How would he show me love? How many chores would he do? What would he do to make me feel good? What would he say to help me feel special? These were the questions I pondered and carried with me into my marriage.

[00:03:46] I held those questions and expectations for their answers tightly as I walked down the aisle. I packed them carefully into the suitcase I took on our honeymoon, and I made sure they made it into one of those boxes we hauled into our first apartment. Like my wedding ring, childhood teddy bear, and high school yearbooks, those requirements for making me a happy wife stayed by my side no matter where we went. From apartment to duplex to house, I took those things everywhere.

[00:04:16] And unlike my worn stuffed bear, I kept them at hand at all times. I wore them close to my increasingly disappointed and bitter heart, constantly evaluating how Mark was living up to my expectations. With so much energy poured into my good husband checklist, of course I didn't waste time thinking about what kind of wife I was. And though I pride myself on being highly self-aware, I failed to notice a pattern of what can only be described as contentious behavior.

[00:04:45] Like the screaming fit I threw in the parking lot of a Chinese restaurant one Sunday afternoon. All because my husband, who had never liked Chinese food, wouldn't eat Chinese food with me. Or our many trips to Blockbuster, that ended with me pouting over his refusal to watch another romantic comedy. Let's not forget the road trip fights, when he dared change the station during a song I liked and settled on the big game instead. And don't even ask about the fights I started over how our bathroom towels were hung,

[00:05:15] or how the spaghetti was cooked, or how and when we paid bills. Everything was about what I wanted, how it made me feel, and what I thought I deserved. Honestly, I was like a beastie boy, constantly fighting for my rights. It was only after counseling, and a lot of soul-searching, that I realized, my expectations, combined with my insistence on being right, and having rights, were ruining my chance at a happy marriage.

[00:05:44] Mark's choice to be a good husband would only save our train wreck of a relationship, if I chose, finally, to be a good wife, too. I'm not saying by any means that I figured it all out. Arguments, frustrations, misunderstandings, and disappointments still happen, and often over the dumbest things, like radio stations and bathroom towels. Thankfully, though, those instances are much fewer and further between than ever before,

[00:06:11] and forgiveness comes quicker and more naturally than before. Marriage is full of surprises. A decade and a half ago, I had no idea that my husband hated vacuuming more than any other chore, had a stubborn streak even wider than my own, knew the words to almost every classic rock song ever written, and liked mushrooms on his pizza. But the most important thing I've been surprised to learn is about how to love my husband better and be a better wife. And surprise,

[00:06:40] I'm still learning. You just listened to the post titled The Marriage Diaries. Surprise, I was a lousy wife. By Mary Carver.

[00:07:22] And thank you to Mary for this post. Full of self-awareness and accountability, which is all we can hope for in our relationships with ourselves and others, really. And while this post is definitely great for, and I think written predominantly for, those who are already married, I think it also serves as a terrific reminder for those who are still in the dating phase that growth is definitely going to continue to happen in marriage. Now, obviously, we all know that marriage takes work. We've heard that.

[00:07:50] But before getting married, we often don't know exactly what that looks like. Well, one of the ways it shows up, as we've learned today, is through self-work, as Mary is alluding to. When thinking about getting married, it's essential to walk that line between wanting the relationship to be in a stable and reliable place, of course, yet also acknowledging that both partners likely still have some maturing to do. What amount of growth you feel still might be necessary

[00:08:20] or tolerable to you is unique to you, and definitely something to consider. But you can't avoid it altogether and expect to have a successful marriage. All right, and that will bring us to the end of this episode, everyone. Thank you so much for tuning in, as always, and daring to think differently about your relationships today. Have a terrific day, and be sure to come on back tomorrow where we will start our parenting leg of the week and where your optimal life awaits. Thank you. Thank you.