3135: Is There Such A Thing As Planning Too Far Ahead? by Liz Keneski and Taylor Anne Morgan with Luvze on Lasting Love

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[00:00:26] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Is There Such A Thing As Planning Too Far Ahead by Liz Keneski and Taylor Anne Morgan with loves.com Discussing the future of one's romantic relationship, including the possibility of marriage, can be an exciting, novel experience for couple members. But it can also be incredibly stressful.

[00:00:49] As a couple grows closer and their relationship becomes more serious, it's entirely natural to discuss future plans. But are some discussions more helpful than others on the path to a hopefully happy and long-lasting relationship? And is there such a thing as planning too far ahead?

[00:01:07] As part of a larger study on engagement in weddings, we asked currently engaged and married individuals to reflect on how much they discussed a range of topics before they became engaged.

[00:01:20] Specifically, participants were asked how often they talked about, the possibility of getting married, the possibility of when or how a marriage proposal might take place, the type of ring or token that might be exchanged when a proposal did take place, and the details regarding the wedding they wanted. Each question was responded to on a scale from never to very often, with options of rarely, sometimes, and often in between.

[00:01:49] We wanted to determine whether discussing these future events prior to becoming engaged was associated with couples then being happier with each event when and after it occurred. Further, we wanted to explore whether discussing certain aspects of getting engaged and married before experiencing the commitment of actually becoming engaged might also be associated with the overall quality of their relationship.

[00:02:14] So, we also asked how satisfied individuals were with their engagement rings, and their actual weddings, which had already occurred for married individuals and which were currently being planned for engaged individuals, as well as how satisfied they were in their relationships overall and how committed they were to their partners. What did we find? First, how often are couples having these discussions before becoming engaged?

[00:02:42] On average, both engaged and married individuals reported that they discussed the possibility of getting married sometimes. Additionally, engaged and married individuals reported discussing the specifics of getting engaged, i.e. the possibility of when or how a marriage proposal might take place with what type of engagement ring or token. Rarely. And the wedding they might want, rarely to sometimes.

[00:03:10] Thus, these topics certainly come up or are brought up for couples who are dating, but not very often for most. However, there was a lot of variability in how much individuals reported discussing these topics with their partners. Some had never discussed the possibility of marriage before becoming engaged. And some had discussed what type of engagement rings they wanted to exchange very frequently prior to an engagement.

[00:03:34] Second, were more frequent discussions about any of these topics associated with how happy individuals were with their engagement and wedding experiences, and with how happy they currently were with their relationships? For engaged individuals, discussing the possibility of getting married more frequently before becoming engaged was associated with higher levels of current relationship satisfaction and commitment.

[00:03:58] However, the frequency with which couples discussed the proposal, ring, and wedding prior to getting engaged was not related to current relationship or commitment or to individual satisfaction with the proposal, ring, or planned wedding. For married individuals, discussing the possibility of getting married more frequently prior to becoming engaged was not related to current relationship satisfaction or commitment.

[00:04:24] But interestingly, more frequent discussions of the specifics of the engagement, i.e. proposal and engagement rings, were associated with lower levels of current relationship satisfaction and commitment. And discussing the wedding before becoming engaged was also associated with lower levels of relationship commitment. Further, and similar to engaged individuals, discussing the rings and wedding before becoming engaged was not associated with satisfaction with the rings or wedding.

[00:04:55] Although the current study's results do not provide insight into why discussions of marriage may be more beneficial than discussions of the proposal, ring, and wedding, we suspect that the former may be more positive for relationships for a number of reasons. For example, it could be that focusing on the future of the relationship rather than future events, like the proposal and the wedding, and possessions, like the engagement rings, builds a foundation of putting the health of the relationship first,

[00:05:24] i.e., is it about getting married or about having a wedding? It may also be that talking more about the future details of an engagement and wedding before the commitment of an engagement has occurred might accelerate a relationship too quickly before one or both couple members are ready to move forward toward marriage. More research is needed to fully understand the implications of pre-engagement marital discussions, but for now, you might want to carefully consider sharing your Pinterest wedding board with your partner.

[00:05:58] You just listened to the post titled, Is There Such a Thing as Planning Too Far Ahead? by Liz Keneski and Taylor Ann Morgan with loves.com And a big thank you to Liz and Taylor for sharing this research, as they do so well at loves.com, always giving us interesting findings to chew on. And, you know, typically when it comes to research, we're looking for really concrete results so we can draw lines and come up with conclusions that are easy to understand and put to use.

[00:06:27] But it seems to me that the results shared today were at least a little bit inconclusive. Sure, as they mentioned at the end, it seems like more focus on the future is generally helpful for relationship health. But it's clearly not so one-sided that couples who concern themselves less with these types of talks should be worried. And to me, this is great because it reinforces what I believe to be the value in couples talking at their own pace.

[00:06:54] You needn't try to fit yourself into a box that doesn't feel right. Not everyone wants to talk about the future to the same degree. And to me, taking an honest approach goes a long way in ensuring that each partner is expressing themselves the way they want to. Surely in some cases you might find a commitment phobia or someone who keeps quiet about the future if they get the sense that they aren't on the same page as their partner. And in these types of scenarios, it can be helpful to have a conversation

[00:07:21] and maybe examine why certain feelings are being held back. But there's also innate value in moving at one's own pace, having the talks you want to have, and trusting that this approach will lead you in the right direction, whether that be with one's current partner or someone else. So with that, it is time to wrap things up for today, everyone. As always, I thank you for being here and listening through to the end of this very educational post. And I'll talk to you again tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.