3143: Team Up with the Person Against the Problem by Keith Wilson on Rebuilding Trust

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:26] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Team Up with the Person Against the Problem by Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com If you get the opportunity to work with your loved one to vanquish the problem, don't mistake this opportunity for the problem itself. You could blow your chance because of the presence of your own problem.

[00:00:48] Let's say your husband has not been able to keep it in his pants. He's flirted with others, cheated on you, and generally made a mess of things. Now, you're sitting in a restaurant, having a nice meal. He leans over to you and says, See that woman over there? I'm going to have a hard time keeping my eyes off of her.

[00:01:07] Before you lose your lunch, be glad he's telling you this. He's telling on his problem. He's trying to enlist you in a fight against it. He's not just a hound dog who'll never change. What he's exhibiting is a sign of progress. At the core of every problem is a piece that ain't ever going away, nor should it. There are people who are addicted to physical intimacy because human beings are attracted to other human beings. That's also why we have passion.

[00:01:37] There are people who are compulsive gamblers because it's thrilling to take chances. That's also why there's bravery. There are people who are addicted to narcotics because human beings want to escape ordinary life. That's also why there's fun. There are people who are verbally and physically aggressive because human beings want to make their ideas prevail. That's also why there's leadership.

[00:02:01] The problem should not be confused with these core qualities. The problem has taken these qualities hostage and made them its slave. Getting back to our example, I left you at a restaurant beginning to lose your appetite. The problem is not the attraction your husband has to other human beings who aren't you. The problem is what he's done with it. What he used to do with it was handle it on his own. Back then, he would see a beautiful woman and he'd be all over her.

[00:02:31] But if you asked him what he was doing, he would say he didn't notice she was there. He did this because he was ashamed. Maybe he also had a farcical desire to protect you. Feeling shame never helped anyone do better. Shame drives people underground. And trying to protect you by keeping secrets from you gave you the indigestion you're feeling now. So, what should you do if he says he finds another woman attractive? Well, if you admire her, you should say you think she's beautiful too.

[00:03:00] If you don't, then in the most uncatty way possible, say, Why? Why? The idea is to take this dangerous situation, this bomb that's about to go off, and defuse it. Turn it into an ordinary occurrence and it'll stop being something special. You can also praise him for being aware and getting help for his triggers. This is what we counselor types try to teach addicts to do all the time.

[00:03:27] We don't try to teach an alcoholic to pretend that they're not near a liquor store. That's not possible. But we do teach them to notice when they're walking towards a liquor store. The problem is not that they notice liquor stores. The problem is that they walk in them without thinking through what they're doing. The more aware of their preoccupations they are, the less preoccupied they will be. Then we teach them to get help. Never handle a trigger alone. You might not be the best person for him to confess his triggers to.

[00:03:56] Hearing him say he finds another woman attractive, even if it's just a stranger across the room, may just be too much for you. That's what your upset stomach is trying to say to you. The hurt from what he did before is still too raw. The memory makes you want to puke. If that's the case, then this is how his problem possesses you and becomes your problem. You're being triggered when he says he's being triggered. At the core of your problem is a piece that ain't ever going away, nor should it.

[00:04:26] You're jealous because relationships matter and can be threatened by bad choices. That's also why we have fidelity. Your problem should not be confused with this core quality. The problem has taken your fidelity hostage and made it its slave. Don't try to pretend that you're not jealous. That's not possible. But do notice what you're doing when you're jealous. The problem is not that you're jealous. The problem is when your jealousy prevents you from teaming up with the person to fight the problem that's making you jealous.

[00:04:56] The more aware of your preoccupations you are, the less preoccupied you will be. If you can't do this, get help. Your husband needs help because he won't be getting it from you. You need to help because you're being triggered. Never handle a trigger alone. You just listened to the post titled, Team Up with the Person Against the Problem by Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com

[00:05:25] Therapists everywhere in this episode, huh? Wow. Now, this has been a great post by Keith as per usual. And it's really reminded us of a hard truth that we all need to keep in mind when it comes to fighting battles of our own or fighting battles as a couple. And that is the fact that our feelings can't be silenced in the moment. Our thoughts and feelings appear and any chance of changing them from appearing would have to be fine-tuned over time.

[00:05:51] What's far more important than what pops into our minds is the behavior that we pair with it. There is no shame in having troubling thoughts, nor is there shame in not being able to muscle them out. But we often think there is. This very fight we get into with ourselves only accentuates shame and creates a new network of those troublesome self-destructive thoughts. Focus more on being open and accepting of thoughts and controlling your behavior instead.

[00:06:22] Because that's much more possible to control, not to mention much more practical. This can be hard in relationships because, of course, we'd love to think that our partners don't have any thoughts that could possibly stand to compromise our bonds with them. But they often do. It's human nature. Being realistic about this and addressing it as a team early on with pride put to the side, that is one of the best, best, best practices a couple can engage in.

[00:06:49] So with that, we're going to wrap up for today, dear friends. Hopefully this episode gave you something to think about and will help you to bring some good change to your relationship with yourself and your relationship with others. And do be sure to come on back tomorrow where I will have another post for you. Another opportunity to enhance your relationships. That's where your optimal life awaits.