3158: A Couple's Guide to Complaining by Jon Beaty With Gottman Institute on Conflict Repair

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this yoga nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:26] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, A Couples Guide to Complaining by John Beattie of Gottman.com My wife Tammy felt angry. All you do after you get home from work and eat dinner is sit on the couch. Why can't we talk or take a walk together or do both? Couples will always have complaints about each other. Unfortunately, instead of expressing their complaints, they resort to criticizing each other.

[00:00:53] Unchecked criticism leads to contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Dr. Jon Gottman calls these the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And when couples fall prey to the four horsemen, it can lead to divorce. Tammy's criticism provoked me to defend myself. We were almost three years into our marriage and hadn't yet learned how to effectively air our complaints about each other.

[00:01:16] I'm tired, I said. As a substance abuse counselor, I spend all day listening to people. Why can't you let me relax? Tammy kept pushing until my temper flared. Just leave me alone. Before we knew it, the four horsemen were out of the barn and wreaking havoc on our marriage. Tammy and I agreed to get marriage counseling from a clinical psychologist. He taught us how to effectively express and listen to complaints in a way that we could hear each other without becoming defensive.

[00:01:45] The Complaint Formula Dr. Jon Gottman has refined the skill of effective complaining down to a simple, three-part formula. I wish we'd discovered and mastered this formula before we went to counseling. With a little practice and persistence, following the formula will help couples discuss their issues without causing harm to each other. 1. Express How You Feel Effective complaints begin with a soft startup and are best launched by stating how you feel.

[00:02:14] A feeling may be an emotion like anger or fear, or a physical state like tiredness or pain. The soft startup is in contrast to the harsh startup that usually accompanies criticism, and often begins with phrases like, You always, or you never. 2. Talk About a Very Specific Situation After stating your feeling, describe the situation or behavior that caused that feeling. Many complaints couples have about each other will never go away.

[00:02:44] If that's bad news, the good news is that complaints don't have to drive a relationship to a bitter end. As long as couples can keep their complaints from becoming criticisms, complaints will be a minor nuisance in comparison to the destructive power of criticism. 3. State A Positive Need Finally, ask your spouse to take positive action to resolve the complaint. Using this formula doesn't guarantee complaints will be resolved.

[00:03:11] It does give couples a tool they can use to express their complaints without the risk of their request being sidelined by a spouse who feels the need to defend against criticism. Let's apply this formula to the issue my wife raised, and my response, and see how the discussion might have ended differently. 3. Tammy I feel sad Here's how I feel That we don't have time to talk with each other after dinner about a very specific situation.

[00:03:38] Can we walk and talk for half an hour, expressing her positive need? 4. John I feel tired How I feel After listening to people at work all day about a very specific situation. Please let me rest for a while. Express a positive need. 5. Tammy I'm afraid How I feel You'll fall asleep on the couch and won't wake up until it's too late to walk. About a very specific situation. I want you to rest.

[00:04:07] I'd like it if you'd rest for an hour, then walk with me. If you fall asleep, I'd like you to wake up. Express a positive need. John That's fair. Let's do that. While a resolution isn't guaranteed, effective complaining enables spouses to engage in conflict and achieve resolutions that criticism puts out of reach. When resolutions are out of reach, it doesn't have to end the relationship or suck the happiness out of it. The secret ingredient.

[00:04:36] Many couples have built thriving relationships in spite of enduring, unresolved conflicts. Many of these couples have learned to tolerate these conflicts by complaining instead of criticizing. But, they also have a powerful secret ingredient. They use repairs to diffuse the tension that builds up when discussing these issues. This keeps those problems from overwhelming their relationship.

[00:05:00] One perpetual conflict in my marriage has been my wife's tendency to get rid of things that we haven't used for a while. I'm a saver. After all, you never know when you might need something. At least once a year, Tammy decides to go through the clothes in our closet and get rid of the garments we don't wear anymore. I would never do this. She takes clothes from my side of the closet that she doesn't think I need and piles them on my side of the bed. Go through these and decide which ones you don't need, she'll say. We're getting rid of anything you don't wear.

[00:05:31] I used to get angry. Now, I laugh. For me, her behavior has become predictable. For her, my behavior has become predictable. She laughs at me as I sort through the stack of clothes, take out one shirt to get rid of, and hang the other clothes back in the closet. Couples who are satisfied with their relationships don't lack things to complain about. They've discovered how to complain without criticizing, keep the issues they have with each other in perspective,

[00:05:58] and use humor to break up tension that can lead to gridlock. If this doesn't describe your relationship, try using Dr. Gottman's formula for complaining, add a dose of humor, and see where it leads. You just listened to the post titled, A Couple's Guide to Complaining, by John Beattie of Gottman.com.

[00:06:22] A really important and easy-to-follow guide laid out here by author John Beattie today, which we thank him for. I love how this approach navigates disagreements so gracefully. You know, making sure that each partner is able to say what they need to, come up with a solution, yet also managing to evade personal attacks towards the other's character. Everything that needs to be said is said, yet a damaged ego is dodged.

[00:06:46] The only thing to be aware of, especially for younger couples who are maybe still a little new to the idea of honoring the needs of others, is the fact that simply following this recipe is not quite enough. While it is extremely effective, it's rendered useless if you're not willing to compromise and respect what your partner needs. So, just because you're patiently stating your needs in a way that's not directly attacking your partner, that doesn't mean your needs will necessarily be met in full.

[00:07:15] Compromise is likely necessary, and being patient with that is the foundation upon which any relationship or relationship strategy like this one is able to thrive. So thank you once more to Gottman for another wonderful read, and thanks to all of you for sticking with me through the end, and be sure to come back tomorrow for more. That's where your optimal life awaits.