3159: Why You Should Date Your Friends by Shawna Scafe of Simple On Purpose on Friendship Building

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:26] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Why You Should Date Your Friends by Shawna Scafe of SimpleOnPurpose.ca Now that I'm just past my mid-30s, I feel like I can say with certainty that I didn't know a thing in my 20s other than how to wear socks and sandals and identify the native plants of southern British Columbia. What a catch.

[00:00:48] The 30s have given me a crash course in life, most of all, in friendship. There have been some people in my young adult life who were there to teach me about being a friend. It wasn't until I became a mom that I realized I needed to be open to learning how to be a friend. Because when I became a mom, I was never in more need of friendship.

[00:01:09] Motherhood is daunting, isolating, and confusing. You can read all the books, join all the Facebook groups, and fill up your phone with 37 pictures of the same baby doing the exact same thing, though each one is different to your eye. But you will be lonely without real-life friends. You need real-life women who show up and put your baby in a stroller when you're making excuses not to leave your house. Ladies who will come paint your nails when you can't reach your huge pregnant feet.

[00:01:38] You need women who have messy floors and crying kids and husbands who work too late. You thrive from women who drop off donuts, because donuts, and talk to you in hashtags and emojis. You need people in your season who will lean into you, and you will become like trees wrapping limbs, working together to create a sanctuary and weathering the storms. I have some women in my life who remind me why we are on this planet, to be loving each other.

[00:02:07] These women hold my secrets with mercy and safety. These ladies care for my well-being. They text me at 10 p.m. each night to ask how my night went, even though I saw them this morning and texted them at nap time. These friends care for my children in ways I can't, and teach them things I don't know enough of. Sports, for one. They give me a place to be myself. They laugh at my quirks and encourage my strengths.

[00:02:32] They are always a text message away, and will gladly come over and eat whatever is in my pantry with me. They are my community. My sanctuary. My support. And here's the thing about friendships. They take work. The point at which you have acquaintances all your life, or friendships, is up to you, and the amount of work and vulnerability you are willing to put into it. Because I'd been a stellar acquaintance with many women. But I had to learn how to work at being a real friend.

[00:03:02] I've had many good teachers over these past years. Being a real friend means you are honest and vulnerable. You talk about things that have hurt you, or things that you worry about in your relationship. Friendship means saying sorry when you've let them down. It means showing up when they invite you over, or ask for help, or ask you to run a 5K. Why would I ever run a 5K? It means eating chocolate cake on a hotel room floor and going on a mom's campout that nobody else showed up for.

[00:03:32] It means you extend the invites into your imperfect life and make a space for them to feel welcomed into. It means you think about them and text them during a quiet moment to check in on them. You work away at slowly getting to know them better and better, simply because you care about them. You encourage them and empower them to be their best, without trying to change them into what you think they need to be. You also listen to that story for the 27th time, and discuss it like it was the first time you heard it.

[00:04:01] Oh, and you also send them lots of selfies, because you have a beautiful face, and your friends want to see it. And here is something I recently learned about friendships. You have to have a love affair with your friends. It's like a marriage. You will fall in and out of love from time to time, but you stay devoted to them. You will have periods where you don't talk much, or talk enough. You will lose yourself, you'll lose touch. But true friends don't permanently drift away during those lulls.

[00:04:32] In true friendships, you let resentments melt, and find ways to show kindness. You help each other find your path again. Most importantly, you make a time and space to hang out with them for the purpose of simply hanging out with them. Recently, Connor and I had a little cabin time with our best friends. The kids were in bed, and it was just us four around a campfire with some beer-garitas. The last time we had enjoyed each other's company without children underfoot had been years.

[00:04:59] It was actually during a power outage when they stayed the night because our wood stove was still going. We played games by the porch light, had some slow talks around a fire, and just sat there. I fell in love with my friends all over again. These two people who have become second parents to my kids, they are staples in our everyday, and have done life with us over the past five years. And we needed to stop and just be together. We've been through so many ups and downs.

[00:05:29] We've trudged through the seasons of these past five years. We've shared joys and heartaches and birthday cakes. We've all changed from the people we were five years ago, and we needed to date this five-year-older version of one another, and get that perspective like it's all new and exciting, and we've met a friend who gets us, and is for us. You hear a lot about dating your husband, but we really ought to date our friends too.

[00:05:55] We need to go out without children, without tasks, without responsibilities, and just be in the company of the person who has been a friend to you. Because if there is one thing that we were created for, it's friendship. We can't do this alone. Plus, it's way funnier to daydream with your mom, bestie. Just saying. You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:20] Why You Should Date Your Friends, by Shawna Scafe of simpleonpurpose.ca. And thank you, thank you to Shauna for this post. Haven't heard from her in a while. It was really nice to share her work again. You know, in our 30s, especially during parenthood, as she mentioned, the importance of genuine friendships becomes strikingly clear. This period can be so isolating and overwhelming,

[00:06:45] making the presence of real-life friends invaluable in a way that I don't think they would have been before. Such friends, they do more than offer emotional support. They actively participate in your life. They help you to push past isolation. And they share with you the practical aspects of parenting, if, again, that's what you're going through. And providing a much-needed sense of community, which, of course, adds depth to the friendships as you tackle new challenges in life together.

[00:07:15] So, if you are in this place and your friendships might have run dry, I would say consider how you can show up for a friend in such a way that makes their journey easier, their parenting journey easier, whatever they might be dealing with at this pivotal time in adulthood. It can even start by asking them earnestly how they're holding up and if they need any support. You know, a gesture like that can go a long way for someone who might be feeling lost in a major transitional phase in life. So, that's going to wrap us up for today, my friends.

[00:07:44] I thank you so much, as always, for showing up and making another episode possible. I'll let you go now so you can pick up the phone and call an old friend. And I'll hope to see you back here tomorrow for another post, where your optimal life awaits.