3161: [Part 2] Game Plan for Peaceful Parenting Your Teen by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids on Positive Parenting

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:24] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Game Plan for Peaceful Parenting Your Teen, Part 2, by Dr. Laura Markham of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com 9. Continue Family Meetings Held regularly at a mutually agreed-upon time, family meetings provide a forum for discussing triumphs, grievances, sibling disagreements, schedules, any topic of concern to a family member.

[00:00:54] 10. Ground rules help. Everyone gets a chance to talk, one person talks at a time without interruption, everyone listens, and only positive constructive feedback is allowed. To get resistant teens to join in, combine the get-together with incentives, such as post-meeting pizza or ice cream, or assign them important roles, such as recording secretary or rule enforcer.

[00:01:18] 10. Keep kids safe and connected to the family by keeping computers in your common space. It can be hard for parents to track what teens do online, because they usually know more about the computer than we do. But research shows that he'll be less tempted to spend time doing things you disapprove of if the computer is in a common space, where you can walk by and glance at what he's doing.

[00:01:42] Kids live online these days, but he can still stay connected to his family if online is in the heart of your home. 11. Don't push your teen into independence before he's ready. Every teen has his own timetable for blossoming into an independent person. Real independence includes close relationships with others, and it never needs to include rebelliousness. It is not healthy for your child to feel that you're pushing him into independence.

[00:02:10] That only leads to him becoming overly dependent on the peer group for validation. If he is not ready to go to sleepaway camp for a month, then he isn't ready. Sooner or later, he will be. Respect his timetable. 12. Make agreements and teach your child to make repairs. If you've raised your child without punishment, he will almost certainly be close to you. Because he doesn't want to damage the trust between you, he won't lie to you, and he won't usually infringe on your limits.

[00:02:41] If he does, ask him how he can make repairs, including repairing your trust. 13. What if you've raised your child with punishment, and now she's breaking your rules and lies? 13. It's never too late to help her learn to take responsibility. But to start, she has to value her relationship with you. That means you need to stop punishing and start listening and connecting. You also need to insist that she finds ways to make repairs.

[00:03:09] That's a tricky dance, because punishment will make things worse. So, she has to choose the repair. And yet you are still insisting that she do so. No, it's not a punishment. It's a way for her to make things better when she messes up, which is what all adults need to learn to do. But she'll only understand it this way if she wants to please you. So, if you need to go to counseling together to create that relationship, don't hesitate.

[00:03:36] And number 14. Stay connected even as she moves into the world. If we've accepted our child's dependency needs and affirmed her development into her own separate person, she'll stay fiercely connected to us, even as her focus shifts to peers, high school, and the passions that make her soul sing. It's appropriate for teens to want to spend more time with their peers than their parents as they get older.

[00:04:00] But kids who are well-grounded in their families will respond well to parents' efforts to stay connected. And parents who have bonded adequately with their children at each earlier stage will feel invested enough in their teens to stay connected, even if a lot of effort is required. It's critical, during the teen years, for parents to remain their children's emotional and moral compass. Kids will begin to experiment with intimate relationships outside the family.

[00:04:27] But to do that successfully, they still rely on those intimate relationships at home remaining solid. That means that a 14-year-old who focuses mostly outwards is probably looking for something he wasn't getting at home. We need to invite our children to rely on us emotionally, until they're emotionally ready to depend on themselves. Too often in our culture, we let teenagers transfer their dependency outside the family, with disastrous results.

[00:04:57] Teens often give up a great deal of themselves in pursuit of the closeness they crave, only to crash against the hard reality that other teens aren't developmentally able to offer them what they need to flourish as independent young adults. You may not be at the top of your teens list nowadays, but work like the Dickens to stay close, and don't take it for granted that your child will now push you away. That's a sign of a damaged relationship. Don't give up.

[00:05:24] It is never too late in your relationship with your child to do repair work and move closer. You just listened to part two of the post titled, Game Plan for Peaceful Parenting Your Teen, by Dr. Laura Markham of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com Okay, and a strong finish from Dr. Laura, which we thank her for. A lot of great ideas put forth both today and yesterday,

[00:05:52] and one particularly helpful idea we heard from this second part is that concept of continuing family meetings, as she described in point number nine. So this suggestion stands out because it promotes open communication within the family unit, an essential aspect of healthy relationships, especially during those teen years. And the structure of these meetings, irregular, mutually agreed upon time, where each family member has equal opportunity to voice their thoughts and concerns,

[00:06:20] that creates a really democratic and respectful environment when it's done properly. So parents who insist upon a meeting like this, they really need to be wary of their intentions. You know, wary of turning it into an interrogation or a forum to just enforce rules of their own. But again, when executed the right way, this approach not only helps in addressing immediate family issues, but it also teaches teenagers those valuable life skills,

[00:06:50] such as active listening, expressing themselves constructively, and respecting others' opinions. And these types of skills are much better suited to be learned at home than anywhere else. But that brings us to the end of another installment of ORD, everyone. As always, I thank you so much for being here and making another episode possible. Enjoy the rest of your Friday if you're listening in real time, and I hope to see you over the weekend for more content. That's where your optimal life awaits.