3162: 6 Reasons You Should NEVER Compare Your Relationships by Rachael Pace with Psych Alive on Marriage Tips

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Six Reasons You Should Never Compare Your Relationships by Rachel Pace with PsychAlive.org. I wish my husband was like my ex. He was so much more affectionate. If my wife were like blank, I would never feel bored in bed.

[00:01:20] If these sentiments sound familiar, your relationship may be on the fast track to disaster. There's an old saying that goes, comparison is the thief of joy. This phrase has been around for decades, and for good reason. The moment you start comparing your partner to another relationship is the moment you choose to be unhappy. Your spouse is not your ex, and they're not your friend's husband or wife. They are unique, with their own set of experiences and beliefs.

[00:01:49] Stop comparing your spouse to someone else, and start looking at their positive qualities and loving them for who they are. Here are six reasons why the urge to compare will be your downfall. Number one, it isn't fair. Think of your two favorite foods. Maybe you like pizza, and you also love roasted broccoli. Broccoli and pizza are two very different food groups, yet you love them both. The same can be said for your current partner.

[00:02:18] They may not have the same qualities as your last partner did, but that doesn't mean you should love them any less. They're both great in different ways. Comparing your partner to someone else is not fair. You shouldn't get serious with someone if your only intention is to change them. Number two, it will make you feel bitter. Here's a solid piece of relationship advice for couples.

[00:02:40] If all you can think about is how your ex did X, Y, and Z for you, and you wish your new spouse was like that, you have a serious problem. You and your ex aren't together for a reason. As the old saying goes, it's called a breakup because it's broken. Wishing for your spouse to be like an ex or like a partner from someone else's relationship will make you feel bitter toward the love your partner shows. In the end, you'll only be left feeling unhappy.

[00:03:08] You'll start to resent your spouse for who they aren't, instead of loving them for who they are, which is seriously dangerous territory to be in. Number three, it sets unrealistic expectations. Under the right circumstances, it can be easy to get caught up in the past and start comparing your spouse to someone you loved before. But be warned that doing so may signal the end of your happy relationship.

[00:03:32] The moment you start comparing your relationship to your friend's marriage or an ex is the same moment you choose to be unhappy. Why? Because it sets unrealistic expectations for your partner. We all wish we could take the best parts from every relationship we've ever been in and mold them into the perfect partner. But that's Frankenstein science. These unrealistic expectations will only end up making you both miserable. So it's best to avoid them altogether.

[00:04:01] Number four, it makes your spouse feel worthless. Can you imagine the marriage therapy you would need if your spouse came to you and said, I wish you were more like my ex? They were more adventurous in the bedroom. Or, my friend's boyfriend slash girlfriend seems so much more loving than you do. Can't you be more like them? Odds are, you would feel worthless and unappreciated by your spouse. And that's exactly how your partner will feel when you start comparing them to others.

[00:04:30] Even if your spouse started to take qualities of someone else, it wouldn't be a replica of your past experience because no two relationships are the same. You can't expect the love from your new partner to feel like someone else's because each relationship is its own unique experience. Number five, you're missing out on the good. The more you choose to look at the downfalls of your spouse, the more miserable you will be in your relationship.

[00:04:57] Instead of focusing on what you wish you would change in your relationship, look at your partner's appealing qualities. They may not be as affectionate as your former partner, but what do they do that drives you wild? Make a list of how they show affection and write down what they do that makes you smile or the qualities they have that you find admirable. Making a physical checklist will help remind you of all the wonderful reasons you fell in love with your partner in the first place.

[00:05:25] And number six, it isn't showing respect for your new love. A great relationship is all about respect. It means you show honor or esteem to your partner. You are courteous of their boundaries and feel esteem for their positive qualities. When you compare your spouse to someone else, you aren't showing respect for what an awesome person they are. Comparisons can be a little bit selfish because you're only thinking of what your partner can do for you

[00:05:51] instead of considering the great aspects of your relationship like what good friends you are or how well you communicate. What to do if you can't stop comparing your spouse? If you are stuck in a loop of spousal comparisons, a marriage therapist can help. Your counselor can help you get to the root of what is making you feel the need to hold your partner to somebody else's standard. A marriage therapist can also give solid relationship advice for couples

[00:06:18] on building intimacy and strengthening their communication and conflict resolution skills. You just listened to the post titled, Six Reasons You Should Never Compare Your Relationships by Rachel Pace with PsychAlive.org You're listening to a quick ad. You know what else is quick? Selling your car on Carvana. Just put in your vehicle information and we'll give you an offer. Done. No hassle. No negotiation.

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[00:07:47] is this idea of pent-up resentment, right? It seems that a lot of the reasons she listed required us to get past the feelings of resentment we might be experiencing about what our partners might have done or not done in the past. But how can we get ahead of the curve on this? So how can we prevent resentment in the first place and not let it bottle up? Well, of course it comes down to talking about what troubles us in the moment. And no, it is not always easy to do,

[00:08:15] and these exchanges will not always go as smoothly as you feel they maybe should. But if we can make a habit of trying to do this with our partners, trying to bring things up, bring problems up as they arise, the lines of communication can open much wider. Tensions will be lower, and we will be better positioned to find compromises and stay present, rather than just referring to a list of offenses that are weeks, months, or years long.

[00:08:45] If we fail to do this, we are definitely more apt for comparing our relationships, without question. So keep that communication flowing, and when you do notice tension come up for you, try to bring it up sooner and sooner, calmer and calmer, more and more focused on compromise than anything else. I wish you luck with that, everyone, as we wrap things up today here on ORD. Thank you so much for tuning in over the weekend, and I do hope you'll consider doing the same tomorrow

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