3164: How to Better Handle Anger and Conflict in Your Family by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Conflict Repair

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, How to Better Handle Anger and Conflict in Your Family, by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com. Anger. There is a lot of it out there. My office is on a narrow one-way street that isn't well marked as such. A while back, there was a big cement truck traveling the wrong way. It pulled over to let me by, and I gestured, smiling, that this was a one-way street.

[00:01:30] The guy screamed, F you, as I drove by. As I said, a lot of anger is out there. It starts in childhood. You first learn about anger in your family. You watch and listen to the adults around you, who, perhaps without realizing it, model how and when to express it. You might have learned that anger should be avoided, leads to abuse and fear, or can be discussed and understood as a natural part of human experience.

[00:02:00] Let's start with the healthiest one first. When anger has been respected, listened to, and appropriately expressed. Sometimes anger is really irritability. It's about being in a bad mood, or waking up on the wrong side of the bed, and hopefully you can recognize that before you do or say something you'll regret. Yet, often anger is more important than a passing mood. It's about your core identity. It's about who you are and what you care about.

[00:02:28] It speaks to your personal boundaries and your ability to maintain them. Someone tells a demeaning joke, and you feel your skin crawl. Someone speeds through a stoplight, barely missing a child, and you get angry. That's a sign that a boundary has been crossed for you. Something important to you has been threatened, disregarded, or mocked. So you get mad. But what you do with that anger depends on what you were taught, as well as whether others around you are fueling your anger.

[00:02:58] Anger isn't violent in and of itself. The power of anger can be respected and voiced respectfully. You may have to wait until you're not quite so mad, and when your words can be calm, of course. That's part of successfully navigating the intense emotion. Instead of racing after the offending car, you can call the police and give a description. Rather than punching someone in the face, you can tell them you don't like what they've said. You could choose not to curse loudly at some stranger who has irritated you,

[00:03:27] and instead wonder why you were affected so strongly by their actions. A more difficult scenario is when someone's anger is focused on you, particularly when it's a close relationship, and you're struggling with an issue or having a disagreement. It's hard to not get defensive when they're lashing out angrily, and instead to listen. However, doing so can be an opportunity to learn and make that relationship stronger. Moreover, talking about that anger can even help you build empathy.

[00:03:57] I didn't know that would make you mad. Can you tell me more about it? Is something you might say. When anger has been avoided How many of you can say, I never heard my parents fight? Perhaps they strongly believed that conflict shouldn't be handled in front of the kids, and did a really good job with keeping those kinds of conversations private. It's not that they didn't disagree. They simply didn't spill their differences in front of the kids. Yet, you potentially learned to avoid conflict.

[00:04:26] It was something you never experienced, and you may never even consider anger irreconcilable. As a result, you may actively deny problems. Maybe you and your partner haven't touched each other in years, but haven't ever spoken of it. Or you never talk about the credit card debt that hangs over your heads. Or silently watch as your partner drinks every night. But you never argue. And you think that's healthy. I don't think it would change anything. We'd never agree, so why fight?

[00:04:56] Really? It's hard work, true. But so worth it. Anger that's avoided can lead to tremendous resentment and blind insensitivity. One partner may eventually have had it, totally withdraw, justify having an affair, or file for divorce. Yet the other may never have recognized the extent of the emotional damage. If you grew up in an avoidant family, you can learn to voice your identity or your opinion, believe in your own worth,

[00:05:24] and express that opinion appropriately. These skills can be learned at any age. When anger has been used abusively. These are the families where anger is used to control and manipulate. There is no safety nor security. And atrocious acts of violence and manipulation can happen in a vicious cycle. So maybe you tried to protect yourself as best you could. I knew better than to make mom mad.

[00:05:50] When we would hear dad's car in the driveway, we would all run to our rooms. You could have been so dominated by a parental abuser that to disagree would only lead to further torment. You learned not to rock the boat, or it would begin all over again. And the confusing thing? Many times it did anyway, no matter what you said or did or didn't do or say. As a child growing up in these families, you can become very angry. There is no safe outlet for emotions.

[00:06:20] In an attempt to deal with that anger, you might ultimately become an abuser yourself. You might try to fight back, which can be dangerous. You might become invisible. Or you might try to escape in some other ways, such as substance abuse, an eating disorder, obsessive athleticism, anything to escape from your real world. You don't have to be governed by what you experienced in an abusive family. It's important that you work through that trauma

[00:06:47] so that you aren't continuing the coping skills you adopted as a child. With time and patience, what you experienced can be worked through. It's finally safe to have your own identity. One last word. I always suggest that it's helpful to predict what might bring up conflict within you, and take responsibility for that. If you're going to get mad or be irritated by another family member doing or saying what they always do and say, then predict that will happen,

[00:07:16] and plan a better response to it. This is far better than you doing and saying what you always do and say, especially when it leads to worse conflict. You can change your own behavior. That's it. That's what you have control over. And the truck driver? Maybe I reminded him of his aunt, who he detests, who's always telling people what to do, and I got the brunt of his anger. I hope he's better now.

[00:07:46] You just listened to the post titled, How to Better Handle Anger and Conflict in Your Family, by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com. Observe. The North American Dad. 50s. Great polo collection. He enters his vehicle information on Carvana. An offer appears in minutes. Remarkable. He squints, reads it again, smiles and says, Dang, that's a good offer. The highest form of approval.

[00:08:16] No haggling. No hassle. No one called him boss. He's still on the couch. Astonishing. Sell your car today on Carvana.com. Pickup fees may apply. This episode is brought to you by Netflix's new series, East of Eden. A bold reimagining of John Steinbeck's masterpiece following generations of the Trask family through love, betrayal, and the choices that shape humanity. Starring Mike Feist and Christopher Abbott as the Trask brothers

[00:08:44] and Florence Pugh as Kathy Ames. The complex anti-heroine determined to build the life she wants. No matter the cost. Watch East of Eden now. Only on Netflix. And thanks so much to Dr. Margaret for another one of many wonderful articles she has shared. I thought she did a really nice job of discussing how anger is intertwined with our core identity and our personal boundaries, right? Really allowing us to focus on the importance of understanding

[00:09:14] and appropriately expressing anger. This perspective is particularly helpful, I think, because it redefines anger from being a mere emotional reaction to actually a reflection of our deeply held values and boundaries. When we feel angry because our values are threatened or disrespected, such as in response to demeaning jokes or reckless behavior, like she said, it signals what matters to us. So, really, if you're prepared to question your anger

[00:09:44] and turn inward, then recognizing this really helps in your self-awareness and personal growth. And the more we're able to do that, the easier it is to follow suit with any other recommendations she made, like contacting authorities instead of reacting impulsively, which not only prevents negative outcomes, but also fosters effective communication and problem-solving. So, all this to say, if we approach it the right way,

[00:10:13] anger, like many of our less desirable emotions, can be a friend and it can be something that we learn a lot from. So, with that, we are going to wrap things up for today, everybody. Another great article, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Thank you so much for tuning in and doing right by your relationships. And be sure to come back tomorrow to start a new week strong with ORD. That's where your optimal life awaits.