3173: [Part 1] 10 Ways to Screw Up an Apology by Keith Wilson on Conflict Repair

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:26] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, 10 Ways to Screw Up an Apology, Part 1 by Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com If you've decided you can't apologize to the person you hurt because it would hurt him more, then go with God. If you've decided you can't apologize to the person you hurt because it would hurt you more, then see you in the other place.

[00:00:49] But, if you've decided you will apologize to the person you hurt because it's the right thing to do, listen on. There are still mistakes you could make. 1. You Apologize Without Confessing You might think it would be impossible to make an apology without admitting wrongdoing, but people sure try. They can't seem to resist saying, I'm sorry, without following it with the word.

[00:01:15] But, and all manner of justifications and rationalizations, you need to admit what you did wrong, acknowledge the harm you caused, and say what you're going to do to make it right. The problem comes when you go beyond the simple acknowledgement of the deed and attempt to explain why you did it. There is a time and a place for that, just not now, in your apology. To your victim's ears, explanation sounds like justification and excuses. You may have had good reasons for doing what you did.

[00:01:45] The person you hurt may have harmed you in some way first before you harmed him. But, to bring that up now obscures your own confession. It confuses things and makes it sound like you're not taking responsibility for your part of the problem. 2. You're Vague Saying, I'm sorry I hurt you, is an apology in the same way that a moped is transportation. It's lame. A moped will get you where you're going, but not as memorably as a Ferrari.

[00:02:14] If you want to make a memorable impact on your relationship, make your apology into a Ferrari. List the bad things you've done and the particular ways they had an effect on her. The more concrete you can be, the better your apology. I lied is better than, I hurt you. But, I lied to you about what I was doing Tuesday night is better than, I lied. If you're too vague, it sounds like you haven't done the work. You haven't gotten down and scrubbed out all the corners.

[00:02:44] You tried to get by with passing a quick broom across it. There could even be confusion over what you're confessing. He could think you're confessing the lie you told on Friday night, when all you're talking about was Tuesday. 3. You only Apologize When You're Forced To You get a couple of points if you apologize after she's caught you in the act or when she confronts you. It's like telling her you love her after she says, you don't tell me you love me anymore. It's the bare minimum. It's far better to tell her you love her without being asked.

[00:03:14] A good apology comes unprompted, after full consideration. If you were confronted or caught in the act, it's necessary to acknowledge the transgression right there and then. But you're not done yet. Some time later, after full consideration, bring it up again on your own. This shows you're taking it seriously. 4. You Don't Show Empathy It's important in your apology to acknowledge the effect your actions had on him.

[00:03:42] This is to show you are taking his perspective. I lied to you about what I was doing Tuesday night, and now you can't trust me, shows you're putting yourself in his shoes. You might find it hard to know just what the effects have been. That's okay. You don't have to be right. You just have to show that you've tried. 5. You Ask For Forgiveness People screw up a perfectly good apology when they ask for forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness puts your victim on the spot.

[00:04:12] It requires her to do something at a time when she may be unprepared. Besides, she shouldn't be forgiving you just yet. You're not off the hook until you actually change. Some victims will offer forgiveness without being asked. Sometimes this comes from a good place in them. Sometimes they're just uncomfortable with receiving the confession and want it over with. Sometimes they think it's what they're supposed to do. At any rate, when that happens, you should respectfully and graciously decline the gift,

[00:04:39] or rather, offer to pick it up later after you've made amends. This doesn't mean that things have to go on being tense like they may have been. You don't have to sleep on the couch. An apology is supposed to be a turning spot. You've changed direction, but you're not there yet. You have not yet arrived at reconciliation. To be continued. You just listened to part one of the post titled

[00:05:07] 10 Ways to Screw Up an Apology by Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR, or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast.

[00:05:34] Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. And thanks a million to Keith for a great start to this post. I'll keep this outro more streamlined for you, as I like to elaborate more on longer posts after both parts have been completed. But it goes without saying that the beginning here is full of great tips to hold ourselves accountable and be sure that we are as devoted to riding the ship with those that we've hurt as possible.

[00:06:02] We're already starting to see the differences between a manufactured apology and a genuine one. And if you find that you're just looking to compose an apology that sounds good rather than actually feeling apologetic, perhaps before apologizing, it's worth it to take more time to really consider the effects your actions have had on the other person. And not just that, but also why your initial reaction might be more rooted in self-preservation

[00:06:31] than anything else. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but could very well be something to dissect a bit. More tomorrow, though, everybody. So enjoy the rest of your day. Take care of yourselves. Consider what has been discussed so far. And be sure to come on back for a really solid ending to an already great post. Again, that's tomorrow in the Tuesday show. That's where your optimal life awaits.