3180: The Deer In The Headlights Phenomenon - A Communication Blunder In Relationships by Lisa Merlo-Booth on Couples Communication

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[00:01:01] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, The Deer in the Headlights Phenomenon, A Communication Blunder in Relationships, by Lisa Merlo-Booth of lisamerlo-booth.com. I often hear from women that their partners aren't interested in what they have to say, talk very little, and emotionally don't offer much. When I check in with the men about this, the men often report that they are different from the women and don't need to talk as much.

[00:01:29] They also report that at times, they have no idea what to say if they were to talk. Many men complain that the women seem to talk non-stop, and they wish the women would quiet down. After hearing these complaints over and over again, I began to see what both the men and the women were talking about. The men were indeed offering very little, and in response to the men's silence, the women would often talk incessantly in an attempt to get a response from the men.

[00:01:58] Naturally, the relentless talking led to the men tuning the women out, and that led to the women persisting in talking. Obviously, this dance was and is a lose-lose for both men and women. On the male side of the equation, their lack of communication was, at times, nothing short of astounding. On many occasions, I watched as the men stared at their partners with a blank look on their faces, and literally added nothing to a conversation.

[00:02:25] They did not nod, utter a word, or even sigh in response to what their partners were saying. This non-reaction was true when the women were giving a compliment, sharing a thought, complaining, or even asking a question. What the women were saying was irrelevant. The men, almost immediately when the women began speaking, would look like a deer in the headlights and say absolutely nothing.

[00:02:50] I've seen this happen so many times that I now call it the deer-in-the-headlight phenomenon. When I asked the men if they heard what their partners said, without fail, they would report they did. When I asked why they didn't respond, they either said because they didn't think a response was needed, or they didn't know how to respond. Hmm. On the female side of the equation, the women would watch the men not respond,

[00:03:16] and would assume the men hadn't heard them, hadn't understood them, or didn't get it. The women would then invariably talk more in an effort to explain what they said, or to get the men to see what they meant. Not surprisingly, the more the women talked, the more the men tuned out, and the more the men tuned out, the more the women talked. Yikes. If this is happening in your relationship, here's how you fix it.

[00:03:44] Men, if someone is speaking to you, acknowledge that they have spoken. To do otherwise is just plain rude. Here's a list of options to choose from to help you out. Note, don't forget to mix them up from time to time. Shake your head. Only do this once in a while, since it's not very relational if that's all you do. Make a comment. Ask a question. Say you understand. Share a similar story from your own life. Laugh if appropriate.

[00:04:14] Hold her hand if it's warranted. Say you're sorry she feels that way, if it fits. And if you're really at a loss, tell her you heard her and have no idea how to respond. The bottom line is, say or do something, and don't just sit there like a deer in the headlights. The more silent you remain, the more talkative she will become. Intimacy requires a sharing of oneself with another. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Start talking.

[00:04:42] Women, if your partner has that deer in the headlights look and is offering little emotionally or in a conversation, don't keep talking. Stop trying to explain, pleading for him to talk, showing him how unrelational he's being, getting him to understand, etc. Remember that less is more. Tell him directly and succinctly what you want. If you want him to answer your question, state, will you please answer my question.

[00:05:12] If you want him to be supportive, say, can you just say, that sounds hard, honey? And if no matter what you ask for, he continues to not be emotionally available, then be clear that he's hurting your relationship. Take the time to figure out what you will do about that and let him know. Do not make false threats, but make sure you follow up on your words with actions. Do not make false threats, stop chasing him. The more you chase, the more he will run. Challenge.

[00:05:42] Pay attention to how you communicate with your partner and make sure you are holding up your part of the equation. Share yourself and listen when your partner shares. Don't over-talk or under-talk, chase or run. Be present and work your side. You just listened to the post titled, The Deer in the Headlights Phenomenon, A Communication Blunder in Relationships, by Lisa Merlo-Booth of lisamerlo-booth.com.

[00:06:12] And be sure to stick around for my comments right after this. The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda.

[00:06:41] Now lime comes first. 7up. Flip the sip. Finding a doctor is hard enough. Finding the right doctor, even harder. Someone who takes your insurance, has an available appointment when you need one, and feels like someone you can actually open up to. That's where ZocDoc comes in. Download the ZocDoc app to search and compare doctors by specialty, insurance, and availability. Read real patient reviews, find the right fit for you, and book instantly. Because getting seen by the right doctor matters.

[00:07:11] ZocDoc. Ready to be seen? Download the ZocDoc app today. And thanks very much to Lisa for her insights and observations today. I thought her list of recommendations for men on how to become more engaged was pretty interesting. You see, it's easy to look at a list like that and think that Lisa is suggesting to men that they just give the appearance of listening, as opposed to actually tuning into what their partners have to say. However, we often forget that making an external change

[00:07:40] can and does influence an internal change. Just like if you stand up straighter, you do start to feel a bit more confident. If you have a hard time listening to your partner, or anybody, displaying the physical signs of listening can help you to become a more engaged listener in reality, internally. There's no shame behind having a hard time listening. You know, it's easy to be distracted or spend time in our own heads these days. But today, we learned about steps we can take to fight against that, so use them.

[00:08:10] Now, thanks a lot to Lisa once again for helping us find the way back. But for now, it is time to get going and wrap up another episode. I thank you as always for being here, folks, and for doing a good thing for your relationships by tuning in. Have a great rest of your day, and be sure to come join again tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.