3186: As Long As We Both Shall Live: Creating a Mindful Marriage by Dr. Donna Rockwell with Psych Alive on Lasting Love

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[00:00:52] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. As Long As We Both Shall Live, Creating a Mindful Marriage by Dr. Donna Rockwell with PsychAlive.org. I take you to be my husband or wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live.

[00:01:19] Once the marriage vows have been exchanged, once the gifts are opened, the monogrammed towels hung, and the bedsides chosen, what steps can be taken to keep the marriage vibrant and meaningful, as long as you both shall live? The answer to this universal question is elusive, yet could be a real marriage saver if you incorporate it into the fabric of your romantic relationship from the beginning.

[00:01:44] There is a silent, unspoken secret buried deep in both partners, a simmering doubt that won't be quieted. Maybe, this voice whispers, this love affair won't last. Maybe my love will tire of me over time. Maybe I don't have what it takes to keep someone interested for an entire lifetime. In many ways, we sometimes sabotage what otherwise would be a good thing, because we privately believe we are not good enough.

[00:02:14] As a clinical psychologist and now married for a quarter of a century, I may have some perspective to offer on this score. The year my husband and I met was 1980, when Blondie had the number one song, the Euro-pulsing pop hit, Call Me, and Ronald Reagan swept to power, trouncing incumbent Jimmy Carter in a landslide presidential victory.

[00:02:36] That was a long time ago, and the world has changed in fundamental and global ways since then, though stages through which relationships grow remain more or less the same. All these years later, for example, my husband and I find ourselves adjusting to a newly-unfeathered and empty nest, with one son away at college and the other staking his claim in New York, seeing if he can, as they say, make it there.

[00:03:03] So, after years of a full, fast-paced, crazy family life, we have returned to setting the table for two. It is rather nice, though, I must say, rediscovering the essential aspects of the us that makes me feel today like the young woman back then, meeting and getting to know the man she would one day marry.

[00:03:22] With silver hair streaking his temples, we sit alone on the couch now, memories drifting to a more innocent, exuberant, youthful time, the productive years of raising children. Being there for scraped knees, calming the fears of a monster-filled nightmare, hearing the peals of youth's uncontrolled laughter, contagious and free. This was our world.

[00:03:46] Every relationship evolves, from peaceful times through somewhat more difficult times, and back to peace again, as married people learn that the path from here to there is never a straight line. Staying present and patient through each other's growth spurts and dips, successes and pitiful crashes, shining moments and monumental mistakes, is what love is all about. Love is experienced in the moment as a spontaneous opening of the heart.

[00:04:16] Crises are faced and transcended in most marriages, and despite hardships, couples find themselves years later together still, growing in ways that deepen and burnish the marriage bond. Here are a few important tips to marriage newbies, offered as a chance at long-term love. Don't be afraid to lose an argument. Don't take things personally. Don't be overly needy. Create a life for yourself. Don't sweat the small stuff.

[00:04:46] Do give freely. Do think of others before yourself. Do become the best listener you can be. Do express warmth to each other every day. Do kiss hello every time you meet again. Remember how precious every moment actually is. Appreciate your partner, with all his or her quirks and imperfections.

[00:05:09] Galeck Rimposh, director of Jewel Heart, a Buddhist center in Ann Arbor, is fond of telling a story about married couples. He says that when husbands and wives argue with each other and stir up feelings of aggression, they are not in touch with why they married this person in the first place, what initially drew them to each other. Once the rush of anger is gone, however, an hour or a day later, we seem able to reestablish this connection.

[00:05:37] In the fire of the moment, though, we are cut off from ourselves as well as from our partner. We lose sight and forget. The secret to as long as we both shall live is remembering, even in tough times, that negative feelings are transitory. They do not last. And therefore, we need not hold so tightly onto something ephemeral and fleeting. Anger passes like clouds in the sky.

[00:06:03] So, rather than indulging its allure, we can simply watch it pass by instead, like a cloud. Love, on the other hand, is what is always behind that cloud, even when we can't see it. Wait just a moment. The clouds will clear. And lo and behold, there it is again, shining forth if you let it. Love. Love.

[00:06:25] A willingness to be mindful in one's marriage, not needing to be right all the time, gives the union between husband and wife a chance at longevity. There is an Eastern truism that every moment is a new now. This is great news for couples because it tells them it is acceptable to be less than perfect, and to consider every moment as a chance at a fresh start. It isn't about being good enough. It's about learning how to keep an open heart.

[00:06:53] If you want to be married a long time, Rimposh advises, when you feel angry, think back to the moment you fell in love. You just listened to the post titled, As Long As We Both Shall Live, Creating a Mindful Marriage, by Dr. Donna Rockwell with PsychAlive.org. And I'll be back with my commentary in just a minute. Kara Harvey is here.

[00:07:21] Coach and Spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together, and they want you to be part of it. Grab your friends and head to the Tabby Tour, hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists, exclusive experiences and personalized products. And discover custom playlists on Spotify, built just for you based on who you are and how you listen. Live your story with Coach. Learn more at Coach.com. Want to be the one who's always in the know about the game, the scores, the plays?

[00:07:51] Here's a tip. The Apple Sports app. Just pick your favorite teams and get automatic live updates without even knowing their schedules. And when your team scores, it shows up right on your iPhone lock screen, making it easy to check in anytime. So rule the group chat and download Apple Sports for free on the App Store or find it on your new iPhone. Okay, and a really nice post from Dr. Donna, which we thank her for. I really love these grounding and more soulful articles, if you will.

[00:08:19] Now, one note in there was of particular interest to me, this idea of letting anger pass like a cloud. You know, seeing it as transitory and not getting too hung up on those bouts of anger. I really love this guidance. And obviously, it's very meditative and I think extremely valuable for us to take into our relationships with others and with ourselves.

[00:08:41] However, it's also important to remember that we can allow these feelings and phases to pass while still expressing our frustrations in the midst of them. So, you know, if you sort of force yourself to see certain arguments or periods of time as impermanent, they can often, not always, but often lead to bottled up feelings or perhaps convincing ourselves that our struggles are foolish and need not be addressed.

[00:09:08] Should we do this too much, this more peaceful interpretation of hard times can become something we're not truly convinced of and we can start leaving ourselves behind. This is really an invitation to trust that we can simultaneously observe and take solace in the fleeting nature of hard times in our relationships, while also expressing our feelings within them, even if that does lead to some conflict. So, think on that today, everyone.

[00:09:36] It's time to get going for now, but I thank you so much for being here and considering this post. Enjoy your Saturday and be sure to join us again tomorrow for more, where your optimal life awaits.