3188: How To Deal With The Fear Of Judgment: The Gifts of Vulnerability by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Authentic Living

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[00:00:54] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, How to Deal with the Fear of Judgment, The Gifts of Vulnerability by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com. When I first moved back to Arkansas, there were facts about my life I didn't want others to know. I'd grown up in a small town in southern Arkansas where everybody knew everything about everybody.

[00:01:17] I wasn't relishing moving from Dallas, where there was a certain amount of anonymity to the much less populated Fayetteville. My own inner voice chided, You'll be judged if people know you've been divorced twice. I was scared of revealing my own vulnerability and afraid of judgment. So my plan was to keep that information close to the vest. I wouldn't lie about it if someone asked, but I also wouldn't freely offer those particular details of my background.

[00:01:46] I was coping with my own shame, and I was nervous about not being seen as a successful person, and certainly concerned that I wouldn't be regarded as a competent psychologist. What does she think she's doing, trying to help others when her own life has been so messy? Sometimes life hands you the lesson you need to learn. But something happened the first month I moved there that brought the reality of small-town America laughingly into focus.

[00:02:12] I had to sigh and accept that my vulnerabilities were out there for all to see. My husband and I had gone out to celebrate his first big account. We were at a local steak place, and I unfortunately began to choke and couldn't breathe. A waiter rushed over, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and the threatening piece of steak flew out of my mouth and onto the floor. Other diners cheered. Although immensely grateful to the waiter, I was more than a little embarrassed.

[00:02:41] The next morning, I was out walking, and someone who looked somewhat familiar was coming up the hill as I traveled down. We knew no one when we moved to Fayetteville, but had been casually introduced to a few people by our real estate agent. I said, good morning, and she replied with, hi, how are you? I said, great, thanks. Then she repeated, no, how are you? I then realized what this conversation was actually about.

[00:03:11] The dreaded steak incident. I had to chuckle. I was definitely back in a small town. News was news, and I needed to learn the lesson that I couldn't stay in control of what was out there. Dealing with the fear of being judged. But what if your struggle is mental illness in your family, whether it's your own, your partner's, or your child's? What if it's depression, problems with alcohol, struggles with panic and worry, restrictive eating, or binging and purging?

[00:03:41] You might fear that others will talk and make a judgment. Of course it's true that some people are black and white thinkers. For them, there's good and bad, right and wrong. No gray area. You can't do anything about that. Yet, this black and white verdict can be hurtful and painful to receive, especially when you're already dealing with the shame you put on yourself. Potential judgment or rejection from others can feel like too much to bear. So you hide. And yet, everyone around you,

[00:04:10] including people you respect and turn to for help, may also be quietly struggling. Struggles don't define you any more than competencies do. Yet, you often don't know the backstories of the people who are in your life on a daily basis. Maybe your family doctor struggles with insecurity and depression from abuse he experienced as a child. Perhaps your yoga instructor has fought for control and esteem by eating very little or working out too much.

[00:04:38] Your accountant may be overly perfectionistic and constantly worry over minute details even when home. Or your auto mechanic may have severe dyslexia and bear the emotional scars of being bullied when younger. None of us are immune. All of us are managing some kind of pain. And that pain doesn't define us any more than our competencies. That very doctor is empathic and diagnosed your diabetes before it got out of hand.

[00:05:05] That yoga instructor has helped you connect with your body and your breath in a way that's been healing. Your accountant has saved you so much on taxes, you can take a vacation for the first time in years. And that mechanic? He always has a smile for you, an explanation of what went wrong, and how he can fix it. So, how do you confront your fear of judgment? You have to believe that one thing you want to hide about yourself doesn't define you.

[00:05:32] You are far more complex than that one issue. Fear of rejection has to be overcome because it keeps you from seeking the treatment, help, and simple support that's available for you. Plus, hiding is lonely. The gifts of vulnerability and openness. And taking the risk. Since moving here, and beginning to post blogs and podcasts, I've definitely moved in the direction of being transparent about my own struggles. It's been immensely freeing,

[00:06:02] and I've discovered something truly important. No one I've told that I developed panic disorder when I was in my 20s, and still deal with anxiety, has walked out of my office. No one who hears that my senior year of college, I ate around 700 calories a day, barely weighed 100 pounds, and have had to work on self-esteem, has informed me that I'm obviously incompetent. No one who's told me that they're trying to cope with the sense of failure around a first or second divorce has ever rejected my help

[00:06:31] when I tell them I personally understand the path they're on. In fact, quite the opposite. And the relief of there being nothing to hide is immense. So I ask you, Can you think of at least one person that you could be absolutely truthful with? Someone that your intuition or gut tells you would be supportive? What do you think would happen if you shared your vulnerability? The risk is worth it. If people judge, let them judge. So be it.

[00:07:01] The freedom you find is worth that risk. You just listened to the post titled How to Deal with the Fear of Judgment, The Gifts of Vulnerability by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargaretrutherford.com And I'll be back with my commentary right after this. Want to be the one who's always in the know about the game, the scores, the plays? Here's a tip. The Apple Sports app. Just pick your favorite teams

[00:07:30] and get automatic live updates without even knowing their schedules. And when your team scores, it shows up right on your iPhone lock screen, making it easy to check in anytime. So rule the group chat and download Apple Sports for free on the App Store or find it on your new iPhone. The holidays are busy enough. Getting your home ready shouldn't be. From the perfect tree and twinkling lights to festive decor for inside and out, Wayfair has everything you need to get your home holiday ready.

[00:07:59] Find furniture, hosting essentials, festive serveware, and more all in one place. So you can spend less time getting ready and more time enjoying the season with the people who make it special. Shop wayfair.com today to make holiday magic at home. Wayfair, every style, every home. And thank you so much to Dr. Margaret for this extremely helpful and enlightening article. There are a lot of good takeaways in this one. But one thing I really love that she addressed was how, at a time,

[00:08:28] her own struggles kept her from feeling as though she'd been, or as she'd be perceived as a worthy psychologist. So perhaps you have a similar idea about how your past informs your present. Or perhaps you're someone who would have had a hard time trusting a therapist who has lived that type of life. Either way, one thing that is of vital importance to remember is that while everyone's interpretations of similar experiences can vary, many times we learn enough from them

[00:08:56] that we're not only better able to help others going through something similar, but we're even more motivated to do so. After enduring a really painful experience, the drive to step in and assist others that are going through the same thing, seeing them being put in a position you can truly empathize with, is likely to be particularly strong. It is both natural and powerful to want to help those whose shoes we've been in. It's a really purposeful approach to serving others.

[00:09:26] And that level of passion, it can be hard to replicate without that sense of personal connection. Those who care about what they do care because what they do means a lot to them. And needless to say, a lot of meaning is derived from having to pull oneself out of the trenches. So think about that today, everyone. That is going to do it for this episode and this weekend of ORD though. I appreciate you tuning in and I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I did. Have a great rest of your day and be sure to come back

[00:09:55] and start a new week with us tomorrow where your optimal life awaits. Thank you. .