1297: Mean Girls at the Office: Your Silence is Acceptance by Lisa Merlo-Booth on Advocating for Self-Respect & Assertiveness

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[00:00:27] This is Optimal Work Daily, Episode 1297, Mean Girls at the Office. Your Silence is Acceptance

[00:00:35] by Lisa Merlo Booth of lisasmerlobooth.com. And I'm Dan, I am your host here on the show that is all

[00:00:42] about optimizing your work and productivity. And if Lisa's name isn't familiar to you,

[00:00:47] that is because she is actually a new author to this show. So I'll tell you more about her right

[00:00:52] after the post, but for now let's get to it and optimize your life.

[00:01:00] Mean Girls at the Office. Your Silence is Acceptance by Lisa Merlo Booth of lisasmerlobooth.com.

[00:01:09] I was recently reading a book about how to handle mean girls at work.

[00:01:13] Much of the advice in this book was about how to placate, ignore, and avoid upsetting these

[00:01:18] women who were co-workers, not bosses. When all of the above failed, the book recommended

[00:01:23] handling your upset by going for a walk or exercising. I couldn't believe it. I have to

[00:01:29] say I have not felt so angry at a book in a long time. I found myself writing such comments

[00:01:34] in the margins as, are you kidding me? Yuck! This is more silencing. Conflict avoidant.

[00:01:40] After a few pages of my responses, I had to laugh at myself and show my husband my little

[00:01:44] rants. However, I wasn't laughing at the content and advice in this book. I'm aware that countless

[00:01:49] women will be reading this book and trying to incorporate the author's advice into their lives,

[00:01:54] and I know they won't end up feeling better about themselves. This post is an attempt to

[00:01:58] get a different voice out to these women because frankly another book telling women to

[00:02:02] silently accept mean-spirited behavior may just lead me to pull my hair out.

[00:02:06] First off, when you're faced with a mean girl at the office, your first move needs to be to

[00:02:10] get grounded. Before you respond in any way, take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is

[00:02:15] about her, not about you. Even if there is truth in what she's saying to you, for example,

[00:02:20] you made a mistake, you have to know that being cruel, shaming or mean-spirited is not

[00:02:25] an okay way to handle things. So while the mistake may have been your fault, her mean put

[00:02:30] you in your place response is 100% about her. Know this, live this and be comforted by this.

[00:02:37] Hold yourself in warm regard despite your mistake and do not for a moment allow this woman to get

[00:02:42] you to think less of yourself. After you're grounded and clear about whose piece is whose,

[00:02:47] your next step is to have your back. If the woman was simply being mean because that's just

[00:02:52] how she acts, like eye-rolling, sighing, making a rude comment, then address the behavior

[00:02:57] calmly and directly. Please do not pretend it was not said. Really, I cannot stress enough

[00:03:02] the importance of speaking up. Find your grounded, powerful strength, GPS and speak.

[00:03:08] If you say nothing, then inherent in your silence is acceptance. There are several ways to address

[00:03:14] the mean girl that does not escalate things and here are three choices. One, name it.

[00:03:20] I call this being the mirror. Imagine that you are a figurative mirror and you simply state

[00:03:26] the behavior. For example, if she calls you stupid, simply state, you just called me stupid.

[00:03:31] If she's being sarcastic, state, wow, that was sarcastic. Naming it sends you the message

[00:03:37] that you're worthy of standing up for. It also gives her a moment to check herself and shows

[00:03:42] her that you won't silently accept hurtful treatment. Two, make a statement. Tune into the

[00:03:49] thought that is in your head or would be in your head if you saw this woman speak to

[00:03:52] your best friend in this way. State that thought respectfully. Common thoughts could be,

[00:03:58] that was rude. Wow, you can really be mean. Has anyone ever told you that? If the thought is,

[00:04:03] what a B word. Obviously don't speak that. That is following her lead. Clean up your thought

[00:04:09] and speak the message. You can really be hurtful. Remember to speak your thought with a clean

[00:04:14] energy. You have to take the high road while also having your back. The clearer you are

[00:04:19] able to see that this is about her, not about you, the better you will be able to do this.

[00:04:24] And three, make a request. In a grounded fashion, ask that she try again. For example, if she says,

[00:04:32] have you ever taken grammar before? You write like a fifth grader. Take a deep breath,

[00:04:37] keep your volume low and slowly say, can you try that again without the insult?

[00:04:42] In general, when you're dealing with a mean girl at the office, do not give her all your

[00:04:47] power. Mean girls prey on the weak. I'm not talking about a boss who does hold much of

[00:04:52] the power in the work relationship. I'm talking about coworkers who are your equals.

[00:04:56] You have to know that you are equal to them. You have to know that exclusion,

[00:05:00] eye rolling, contempt, shaming and mean-spirited comments are not okay. When you know this to the

[00:05:07] core of your being, you can step in with a GPS and have your back in a matter of fact way.

[00:05:12] Know it. Do not for a moment try to get these women to like you. Don't try to please

[00:05:17] them, excuse them, include them or win their favor. Know that there is no place in your life

[00:05:22] for mean women. Find connection in women who will support you and don't get caught up in trying to

[00:05:28] belong with this group of women. Change jobs if you have to but don't throw yourself under the

[00:05:33] bus. Challenge. If you have a mean woman in your office who is targeting you, get conscious

[00:05:39] of how you are responding. Be sure you don't silently accept her toxic treatment. Silence will

[00:05:45] increase the behavior, not decrease it. Stay grounded and have your back. She may just change

[00:05:50] her approach with you but even if she doesn't, you will feel much better.

[00:05:59] You just listened to the post titled Mean Girls at the Office. Your Silence is Acceptance by

[00:06:04] Lisa Merlo Booth of lisamerlobooth.com. We're driven by the search for better

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[00:08:20] you're going to love Gusto. Get started today. And thank you to Lisa for this post and as I

[00:08:27] mentioned, Lisa is a brand new author to the show. So let me tell you a little bit about her.

[00:08:31] She's a straight talking and highly effective relationship expert, speaker and blogger.

[00:08:36] Lisa has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and relationship coaching

[00:08:40] and a thriving private practice with a client base of individuals and couples spanning the

[00:08:45] United States and Europe. Lisa is widely known for her straight talk on women and for her

[00:08:50] emphasis on teaching women to stop responding in the extremes like silencing or exploding

[00:08:55] and instead to affect change in a way that is grounded, respectful and strong.

[00:08:59] Kind of like you heard in this post. So this highly effective approach to communication is

[00:09:04] about speaking from a grounded powerful strength GPS rather than the extremes of meekness or

[00:09:09] aggression. As a sought after speaker, Lisa brings her practical advice in keynote speeches

[00:09:14] to audiences across the country. Her popular blog, Straight Talk for Women, empowers readers

[00:09:19] to effectively use their voice to confidently step into the world as equals and to find their

[00:09:24] GPS to help ground them in their journey out of the day-to-day stresses of poor relationships,

[00:09:29] harsh work environments and unhealthy friendships. Lisa earned her master's degree in counseling

[00:09:35] psychology from Pepperdine University in 1991 and is a graduate of Koch University.

[00:09:40] So come by Lisa Merlo Booth for more. That's Lisa and her last name is spelled M-E-R-L-O

[00:09:47] and then the word booth. And again, a big thank you to her for letting us share her

[00:09:50] work today for the very first time. But that's going to do it for another episode of OWD.

[00:09:55] As always, thank you so much for being here and listening all the way to the end

[00:09:59] and I will see you right back here tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.