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Episode 1332:
Stephen Warley's article, "Feeling Stuck? Stop Saying This," dives into the common yet restrictive phrase "supposed to." Warley argues that this phrase often stems from external pressures and expectations, limiting personal freedom and self-expression. He suggests embracing internal motivations to redefine personal and professional life, encouraging readers to choose paths aligned with their true desires rather than societal norms.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.lifeskillsthatmatter.com/blog/feeling-stuck-stop-this
Quotes to ponder:
"Even if they have the best of intentions, my wall immediately goes up. I’m deaf to whatever is said next."
"When 'suppose to' is used in this context it is an implied obligation. It’s duty-bound. It’s a command. It’s an expectation. It eliminates choice. It’s a dead end."
"Lifestyle design is all about aligning your purpose with your internal motivation."
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[00:00:00] This is Optimal Work Daily, Episode 1332.
[00:00:03] Feeling Stuck?
[00:00:05] Stop Saying This, by Stephen Worley of Lifeskillsthatmatter.com.
[00:00:09] And I am Dan.
[00:00:10] I'm your host here on the show with you every single day, helping you to
[00:00:14] improve your business and work life.
[00:00:16] So without further introduction, let's get right to our next
[00:00:19] article as we optimize your life.
[00:00:25] Feeling Stuck?
[00:00:26] Stop Saying This, by Stephen Worley of Lifeskillsthatmatter.com.
[00:00:32] Are you feeling stuck?
[00:00:34] One of the most counterproductive phrases in the English language,
[00:00:37] in my humble opinion, is supposed to.
[00:00:40] My skin crawls when someone begins a sentence by saying,
[00:00:44] You know what you're supposed to do.
[00:00:46] Even if they have the best of intentions, my wall immediately goes up.
[00:00:50] I'm deaf to whatever is said next.
[00:00:52] Why?
[00:00:53] It gets us stuck.
[00:00:54] When supposed to is used in this context, it's an implied obligation.
[00:00:59] It's duty-bound.
[00:01:00] It's a command.
[00:01:01] It's an expectation.
[00:01:03] It eliminates choice.
[00:01:04] It's a dead end.
[00:01:06] It's the voice of guilt.
[00:01:08] It's unconstructive criticism.
[00:01:10] It's pressure to conform.
[00:01:12] And it holds you back from being your true self.
[00:01:15] What's even worse, how many times have you told yourself,
[00:01:18] I'm supposed to do this?
[00:01:20] When you feel you're supposed to do something, your source
[00:01:23] of motivation is external.
[00:01:25] When you want to do something, your source of motivation is internal.
[00:01:28] Lifestyle design is all about aligning your purpose with your internal motivation.
[00:01:34] The crushing guilt of hearing supposed to.
[00:01:37] More often than not, it's even harder to hear a family member, a close friend,
[00:01:41] someone you admire, a colleague or your boss tell you you're supposed to.
[00:01:46] It triggers feelings of guilt.
[00:01:48] You don't want to disappoint them.
[00:01:50] You want their acceptance.
[00:01:51] You want their approval.
[00:01:53] You want to make them proud.
[00:01:54] You end up doing what you were supposed to, even though it's not
[00:01:56] what you want to do.
[00:01:58] By the way, using the word should also raises the same red flag as supposed to does for me.
[00:02:03] When you tell someone they're supposed to or should do something in a particular way,
[00:02:08] you aren't considering other viable alternatives or empowering them to discover their own solution.
[00:02:13] You are automatically deferring their options to predetermine societal standards that may no longer be valid.
[00:02:19] For example, I remember my dad telling me I was supposed to have settled into a low-income family
[00:02:24] and my mom telling me I was supposed to have settled into a long-term career by now
[00:02:28] after I told him I got laid off working for just five years at four different companies.
[00:02:32] Initially, I was a little crushed.
[00:02:35] Let me give you some context.
[00:02:36] My dad worked for AT&T for 30 years and for Bayer Pharmaceuticals for 12 years.
[00:02:42] His generation built their careers from a completely different rulebook than ours.
[00:02:46] Rather than feel offended by his comment, I knew his intentions were coming from a good place.
[00:02:51] But I realized his path in life was no longer even an option.
[00:02:54] So I had to find my own.
[00:02:56] When you feel like you should give in to a comment like this,
[00:02:59] remember you are being motivated by external forces rather than being motivated by your own inner voice.
[00:03:05] It's not your choice.
[00:03:06] You are outsourcing your decision to someone else.
[00:03:09] You are doing it to make someone else happy without any consideration of your own happiness.
[00:03:14] Bowing to guilty feelings in the short term usually results in long-term misery.
[00:03:19] Been there, done that.
[00:03:21] Living your life the way you are supposed to.
[00:03:24] Are you working in a job or chose a career because that's what you thought you were supposed to do?
[00:03:29] Have you ever asked yourself where that pressure is coming from?
[00:03:32] Your parents?
[00:03:32] Your spouse?
[00:03:33] Your peers?
[00:03:34] The media?
[00:03:36] An AI chatbot?
[00:03:38] Don't you think it's time to find a better way to define your career and your identity?
[00:03:42] If that pressure is coming from within you, then why are you giving in to this pressure?
[00:03:46] What is preventing you from doing what you really want to do?
[00:03:49] Take the time now to write down responses to the following questions.
[00:03:53] Number one.
[00:03:54] What's the work you've always wanted to do?
[00:03:56] Or what kind of work do you think would be satisfying to you?
[00:04:00] Two.
[00:04:01] What are the obstacles holding you back from doing what you want to do?
[00:04:05] And three.
[00:04:05] What is a small action you can take to start overcoming the toughest obstacle
[00:04:10] preventing you from doing what you really want to do?
[00:04:12] The only thing you're supposed to or should do in life
[00:04:16] is be a good person and be respectful of others.
[00:04:19] Outside of that, you can do whatever you want.
[00:04:21] Otherwise, you are giving up control over your own life
[00:04:24] and have no one to blame for your unhappiness but yourself.
[00:04:27] I'm not advocating shirking your responsibilities,
[00:04:30] but rather recognizing the need to balance them against your own personal happiness.
[00:04:35] You should, wink, stop giving in to the thought,
[00:04:38] I'm supposed to.
[00:04:40] Let yourself have choices.
[00:04:41] You deserve them.
[00:04:43] Create options using supposed to.
[00:04:46] The next time someone starts a sentence with the phrase,
[00:04:49] or you know what you should do?
[00:04:51] Take the following actions.
[00:04:54] Visualize a red flag and pause for a moment.
[00:04:57] Take it as a cue to begin a discussion rather than listen to a lecture.
[00:05:02] Turn the tables.
[00:05:03] Respond by saying something like,
[00:05:05] Suppose I was considering another option.
[00:05:08] Suppose I did.
[00:05:09] That response prevents you from getting backed into a corner.
[00:05:12] You're letting the other person know there are other valid options
[00:05:15] beyond the one they think you're supposed to do.
[00:05:19] Don't get defensive or give in to your guilty feelings.
[00:05:22] Recognize the concern the other person has for you.
[00:05:25] Generally, their advice comes from a place of love.
[00:05:27] Their misunderstanding arises from their lack of knowledge
[00:05:30] about the type of work you really want to do.
[00:05:33] And four.
[00:05:34] Finally, clearly explain your needs and why you are considering other options.
[00:05:39] Most people only have the best intentions when they're offering their advice.
[00:05:43] Sometimes they unknowingly present it in the form of a lecture
[00:05:46] by launching into it by saying,
[00:05:47] You were supposed to.
[00:05:49] Sometimes it's tough hearing someone else tell you what they think you're supposed to do
[00:05:52] when you haven't figured it out for yourself yet.
[00:05:55] Take the time to consider your most pressing needs and what makes you really happy.
[00:05:59] Bring awareness every time you hear or even think,
[00:06:02] supposed to.
[00:06:03] I know it might sound extreme,
[00:06:05] but simple language like that is one of the root causes
[00:06:08] limiting your beliefs about your true potential.
[00:06:11] You should stop saying supposed to to other people too.
[00:06:17] You just listened to the post titled,
[00:06:20] Feeling Stuck?
[00:06:21] Stop saying this.
[00:06:22] By Stephen Worley of Lifeskillsthatmatter.com
[00:06:26] When it comes to hiring,
[00:06:27] don't go searching for the one.
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[00:06:45] 93% of employers agree.
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[00:06:52] And one of the things I really love about Indeed is that it filters out
[00:06:55] those incompatible applicants.
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[00:06:58] the process is much faster and you only have to consider applicants
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[00:07:04] And listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit
[00:07:08] to get your jobs more visibility at indeed.com start up.
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[00:07:17] and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast.
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[00:07:23] Terms and conditions apply.
[00:07:26] And thank you so much to Stephen for giving us permission to narrate from his terrific blog.
[00:07:30] And you can visit his site, which I have linked in this episode's description
[00:07:34] and at oldpodcast.com.
[00:07:36] Stephen started Life Skills That Matter in 2016
[00:07:39] to show you how work is changing as you know it
[00:07:41] and how you can change work to your advantage.
[00:07:44] He's been working for himself since getting laid off back on Election Day 2000
[00:07:48] and he's obsessed with researching and experimenting with alternative ways of working.
[00:07:53] And he now makes enough money to live the life he wants
[00:07:55] without losing his mind from overworking.
[00:07:58] Stephen also has a podcast of his own
[00:08:00] where he's interviewed over 500 people
[00:08:02] who've made the transformation to self-employment.
[00:08:04] It is called Life Skills That Matter Podcast
[00:08:06] and you can also find that on his site,
[00:08:08] which again is lifeskillsthatmatter.com.
[00:08:12] But that is it for episode 1332.
[00:08:14] Hope you enjoyed our post from Stephen
[00:08:16] and that you'll be back with me tomorrow
[00:08:18] where your optimal life awaits.