1336: Are You Killing Your Career By Avoiding Conflict? by Christine Comaford of Smart Tribes Institute

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[00:00:57] Are you killing your career by avoiding conflict?

[00:01:00] By Christine Comaford of SmartTribesInstitute.com

[00:01:04] And I'm Dan, I'm your host and I am here with you every single day of the year reading from these great blogs on work and entrepreneurship.

[00:01:11] And we're going to get right to it now as we hear from one of our regular authors, Christine, and Optimize Your Life.

[00:01:21] Are you killing your career by avoiding conflict?

[00:01:24] By Christine Comaford of SmartTribesInstitute.com

[00:01:28] Bob is the CEO of a thriving construction company.

[00:01:32] The only trouble is he works 75-hour weeks because he picks up the pieces when his key leaders drop the ball.

[00:01:39] Yet he hasn't made it clear they need to do their own work.

[00:01:42] Sharon is the SVP sales at a mid-sized software company.

[00:01:46] Her salespeople are highly compensated yet continue to miss their numbers.

[00:01:51] And their compensation hasn't been reduced.

[00:01:53] What do both leaders have in common?

[00:01:55] They're avoiding conflict.

[00:01:58] How your brain handles conflict.

[00:02:00] Many of us have been socialized or learned as adults that conflict is bad and in order to succeed we should appear optimistic and positive at all times.

[00:02:10] Yet while avoiding conflict leads to superficial harmony, it denies what is really going on and undermines genuine trust.

[00:02:18] When conflict occurs many leaders like Bob and Sharon have a tendency to participate in it versus lead through it.

[00:02:25] We're uncomfortable to do this because our brains are wired to want to belong.

[00:02:29] Fear of ostracism leads to fear of conflict.

[00:02:32] But when we avoid conflict it has a tendency to escalate.

[00:02:36] The state of conflict or friction in the workplace or life is something I call the critter state.

[00:02:42] We dive into critter state when we feel threatened.

[00:02:44] Anytime there's conflict the animalistic instincts in our limbic and survival systems kick into gear.

[00:02:50] This undermines communication and teamwork and fuels aggression.

[00:02:54] All of this leads to even more issues.

[00:02:56] Here's what to do.

[00:02:58] One, unpack how your culture creates conflict and address it.

[00:03:03] Chances are good you'll find a recurring low or incomplete communication leading to mismatched expectations and misunderstandings in general.

[00:03:12] So make sure communication is actionable, accurate.

[00:03:16] In other words have the communication receiver echo back what they heard and complete.

[00:03:21] Meaning ensure dependencies and contingencies are being considered.

[00:03:25] B, infrequent or incomplete feedback leading to people not knowing if they are on or off track.

[00:03:31] And C, no consequences for dropped accountability.

[00:03:35] So the pattern repeats.

[00:03:37] Two, know your conflict avoidance strategy.

[00:03:41] Avoiding conflict comes in three flavors.

[00:03:43] First is passivity doing nothing and hoping the problem will go away or waiting for the actions of others to fail.

[00:03:50] Second is overly compliant and trying not to rock the harmony boat of the relationship

[00:03:55] versus trusting that the relationship will be stronger when ideas and opinions are discussed honestly.

[00:04:01] And third is overly controlling without including time for discussion and connection.

[00:04:06] While each of these strategies has a time and a place where they are effective,

[00:04:10] they will damage results, morale and sustainability if they aren't stopped.

[00:04:15] Through coaching Bob and Sharon came to understand their conflict avoidance pattern.

[00:04:19] Next I needed to give them some tools to move through conflict more comfortably.

[00:04:24] Three, ask open-ended questions to design a shared outcome.

[00:04:28] This will enable you and the other person or persons to move from the critter state and into the prefrontal cortex.

[00:04:35] Woohoo! Now you're in your smart state.

[00:04:37] Here are the basic questions.

[00:04:39] What would you like?

[00:04:41] What will having that do for you?

[00:04:43] How will you know when you have it?

[00:04:45] When, where and with whom would you like it?

[00:04:48] What of value might you risk or lose?

[00:04:51] And what are your next steps?

[00:04:53] Use this tool to discover how your team can move forward in conflict.

[00:04:57] Have them answer these questions in order to assess where they really want to be.

[00:05:01] And four, to stir up healthy conflict use a pinata.

[00:05:06] Consider yourself the pinata maker.

[00:05:08] Offer potential solutions as if you were hanging up a pinata and expecting everyone to take a hit at it.

[00:05:14] No wax to the idea, no candy comes out.

[00:05:17] This mindset may help your team to not get too attached to an idea or solution before others have had their say.

[00:05:23] And at the same time, it'll allow you a way to offer ideas for discussion before they are fully formed in your own mind.

[00:05:30] Work with your coach to make this collaborative solution forming style feel safe and productive.

[00:05:35] Recognize that when you are willing to have direct, non-judgmental conversations about topics like low accountability,

[00:05:41] blaming behavior and boundaries,

[00:05:43] you are able to create powerful learning opportunities for your team and for yourself.

[00:05:48] Scan your relationships and identify with whom you are holding resentments,

[00:05:52] festering worries about some of their behaviors or withholding some other information out of worry they may not like what you have to say

[00:05:58] or because you've written them off.

[00:06:02] Learn why your culture is avoiding conflict and put the tools mentioned in place to reduce it.

[00:06:08] Understand your conflict avoidance strategy.

[00:06:10] With this awareness, you can catch it.

[00:06:13] Become conscious of it and choose to use our conflict navigation tools.

[00:06:17] Ask questions that create an outcome frame to set a plan for the future and understand where your team wants to be.

[00:06:24] And use a pinata when you need to mix it up.

[00:06:31] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:33] Are You Killing Your Career By Avoiding Conflict? by Christine Comaford of SmartTribesInstitute.com

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[00:08:07] These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.

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[00:08:15] And thank you so much to Christine who's one of our regular authors here for today's post.

[00:08:20] For over 30 years, leadership and culture coach, serial entrepreneur and New York Times bestselling author,

[00:08:26] Christine Comaford has helped leaders navigate growth and change.

[00:08:30] She specializes in applied neuroscience which helps her clients achieve tremendous results in record time.

[00:08:35] As an entrepreneur, she built and sold five companies with an average ROI of 700%

[00:08:40] and she was a software engineer in the early days of Microsoft and Apple.

[00:08:44] Christine is a human behavior expert, a leadership columnist for Forbes.com

[00:08:49] and the New York Times bestselling author of Power Your Tribe, Smart Tribes and Rules for Renegades.

[00:08:54] Come by SmartTribesInstitute.com to learn a lot more about what Christine does and what she's got to offer

[00:09:00] and you can check out all the resources they have there.

[00:09:03] But that's it for another edition of Optimal Work Daily.

[00:09:06] I hope you have a great day and that you'll be back again with me tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.