2132: How to Give Effective Feedback in the Workplace by Christopher Dollard with Gottman on Workplace Communication

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Work Daily. How to give effective feedback in the workplace by Christopher Dollard with Gottman.com.

[00:01:09] Some years ago, when I waited tables for a living and before I worked at the Gottman Institute, I had a manager that I just couldn't get along with. I constantly felt pressured, like I wasn't doing my job well, and I didn't appreciate their tendency to disrespectfully bark out orders and level personal criticisms or even insults at me and my coworkers, which unfortunately are all common behaviors in restaurants.

[00:01:32] I knew I had to speak up because the situation was becoming tense and untenable and I needed to keep the job. So, I spoke with my brother, who is a licensed therapist and the former head waiter of that restaurant, about how I could approach my manager and air my concerns and complaints without putting my job, or at least my standing in the restaurant, in jeopardy. His advice was simple, and it lines up perfectly with the Gottman method of complaining without blaming and using a soft startup in a romantic relationship.

[00:02:00] He told me to start with a statement that begins with, I feel, and leads into, I need, which is what he called an assertive communication model. He also said not to use you, or at least not in any sort of blaming context, and that it's best to use you when expressing something you need from that person. There's even an easy acronym for communicating assertively, known as DESC. D. Describe the problematic situation. E.

[00:02:29] Explain your feelings. S. Specify your needs. And explain the C. Consequences of both what will happen if the situation doesn't change, and what positive changes you would like to see in the future. I took a few days to mull this over, since as a kid I was generally taught to communicate passively, because I grew up in a fairly strict household. I wasn't taught to advocate for myself at an early age, or how to identify and recognize my emotions

[00:02:56] so I could act accordingly without letting anger or fear overwhelm my ability to communicate effectively. In other words, I developed a short temper, and I would overreact, because I regularly bottled up my emotions and didn't say anything about them until I was ready to explode. Knowing all of this about myself, the conversation I planned to have with my manager needed to be handled carefully and attentively. I couldn't blame, nor could I criticize. All I could do was be assertive in my statements

[00:03:24] and advocate for what I needed to succeed at my work. When I had the conversation, I asked the manager to join me in a back room of the restaurant so we could talk in private. And then I said something to this effect. Quote, Sometimes I feel disrespected or like I'm not doing a good job when directions are yelled at me instead of calmly stated, and I feel confused when I get negative feedback without any sort of direction on how to do better. So I need you to treat me with more respect and dignity, and I need to have more thorough feedback

[00:03:54] so I can improve my job performance. End quote. Because I used this assertive style, my manager listened and didn't get defensive. Not only did they listen calmly while I stated how I felt and what I needed, but they even nodded along in agreement, and once I was finished, thanked me for telling them and promised to work harder to give me the kinds of direction and feedback I need. This manager was a person who, if you were to approach them with direct criticism or direct blame, for instance, why do you have to give orders like a dictator?

[00:04:23] You're always so disrespectful to everyone. They'd get in a shouting match with you, send you home, or write you up. And if you tossed some contempt their way, like saying, you're such a, insert expletive here, they'd certainly try to find a way to fire you. In the months that followed, my manager not only treated me with more respect and offered more constructive feedback and direction, but our conversation also caused that manager to treat other employees the same way. Our working relationship improved, as did the staff's morale, and the working environment shifted

[00:04:53] from an authoritarian and critical dynamic to a more collaborative, supportive, and appreciative experience. Once I had that experience with using assertive communication, I realized that I could apply that style of communication to pretty much all areas of my life. In my prior romantic relationships, all of which ended in disaster, I had a tendency to communicate more irregularly, with a tendency to blame or to criticize or even to be defensive or stonewall. But learning how to communicate assertively

[00:05:22] ended that pattern. In my last romantic relationship, I used the I feel and I need formula regularly. And as a result, I never saw any one of the four horsemen arrive. And if they did, it was only for a moment. That relationship didn't last. We were just in different stages of life and some of our more important life goals didn't align. But it was the first relationship where I felt comfortable, accepted, supported, and at peace. When we did fight, we fought in a healthy way.

[00:05:51] It was the first truly positive romantic relationship I had been in. And what that experience taught me, even though it ended, was what a good relationship can look and feel like emotionally for me. It taught me what I need in a partner. And even though I learned how to give feedback and communicate assertively at work, I found that using that communication style can be effective and healthy in any relationship. You just listened to the post titled How to Give Effective Feedback

[00:06:20] in the Workplace by Christopher Dollard with Gottman.com. This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome? That's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required compatibility and availability varies 18+.

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[00:07:18] Crocs store today. And thank you so much to Christopher and the Gottman Institute for sharing today. The Gottman Institute understands that human family is in crisis and that all individuals are capable of and deserve compassion. It is their mission to reach out to families in order to help create and maintain greater love and health in relationships. They are committed to an ongoing program of research that increases the understanding of relationships and adds to the development of interventions that have been carefully evaluated.

[00:07:47] It's their goal to make their services accessible to the broadest reach of people across race, religion, class, culture, orientation, and ethnicity. You can come by Gottman.com to learn a lot more. That's G-O-T-T-M-A-N dot com and a big thanks to the entire team for letting us share their work. And that's it for today. I thank you so much for listening and being a subscriber or follower of the show depending on your podcast app. So have yourself a great rest of your day and I'll see you back here tomorrow

[00:08:16] where your optimal life awaits.