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Episode 2470:
Alysha Jeney of Modern Love Counseling demystifies couples therapy, providing valuable insights into what couples can expect during sessions. She emphasizes the importance of direct communication, individual assessments, and mutual respect, alongside addressing common fears and misconceptions. This article is essential for couples considering therapy to strengthen their relationship and navigate challenges together.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.modernlovecounseling.com/what-to-expect-in-couples-therapy/
Quotes to ponder:
"The competent couples therapist will always see you objectively. This means we aren’t here to point fingers or take sides."
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[00:00:57] This is Optimal Health Daily Episode 2470. What to expect in couples therapy, by Alicia
[00:01:03] Janney, of ModernLoveCounseling.com, and I'm Dr. Neal Malik. Hello and welcome to another
[00:01:09] Bonus Sunday episode, where I share an article from one of the other podcasts in our
[00:01:14] network that I think will add some value for you here. Today's post comes from Optimal
[00:01:19] Relationships Daily, where articles covering all types of relationships are read to you every
[00:01:24] day. So, with that, here's an article from Greg as we optimize your life.
[00:01:31] What to Expect in Couples Therapy, by Alicia Janney, of ModernLoveCounseling.com. What
[00:01:40] to expect in couples therapy is an important question you may be asking yourselves if you
[00:01:45] have never done it before. Counseling in general may seem overwhelming, as you know it can
[00:01:51] judge up feelings that you have been trying to keep dormant for a long time. Add your
[00:01:56] partner in the mix, and it can feel even more daunting, as you both feel uncomfortable feelings.
[00:02:02] Oftentimes, people that have never done couples therapy can feel nervous that the boat
[00:02:06] is going to tip over, not just rock. Couples can feel nervous about the process bringing
[00:02:11] to light that they are not meant to be together. All reasons for feeling nervous about reaching
[00:02:16] out and exploring couples therapy are completely valid and incredibly common, and yes,
[00:02:22] the boat will rock, and it may even tip over. Yes, you could potentially discover that
[00:02:28] you aren't wanting to pursue your relationship, but please know that in my seven years
[00:02:32] of counseling, I rarely find that the boat completely sinks. If you are confused with what
[00:02:38] to expect in couples therapy, take a deep breath. This post will hopefully help you and
[00:02:43] your partner get a sense of what to expect in couples therapy and what are some potential
[00:02:48] red flags that could indicate you are not seeing the right couples therapist. I do want
[00:02:53] to preface this list with an awareness that not all therapists are the same. Each of
[00:02:58] us has our own style, approach, and philosophies. It is crucial to schedule a consultation
[00:03:04] with potential couples therapists in your area before scheduling an appointment to better determine
[00:03:09] fit. What to expect in couples therapy? The couples therapist should be direct, way more
[00:03:16] direct than what you may have encountered in individual therapy. This is because we have
[00:03:20] to be able to help the two of you navigate the intricate dance of your conflict style,
[00:03:25] and we cannot be helpful in getting you to your goals if we aren't incredibly directive.
[00:03:30] A competent couples therapist should be willing to direct the sessions to help you both experience
[00:03:35] a different way to communicate with each other. If you're working with our practice, expect
[00:03:41] that we will see you both for one 55 minute individual session on week two. This is because
[00:03:47] we honor both of you equally and we find it is important to assess the whole person in addition
[00:03:53] We like to understand how you view the world and where you have come from that has helped you shape this view.
[00:04:00] This individual session is not meant to be a time to just express grievances about your partner.
[00:04:05] It is intended to getting to know each of you on a more individualized level.
[00:04:10] This helps us better understand your language, point of view, and triggers when we encounter them in couples therapy.
[00:04:17] You both will feel equally heard, validated, and respected, and yes, even if one of you messed up.
[00:04:24] The competent couples therapist will always see you objectively.
[00:04:28] This means we aren't here to point fingers or take sides.
[00:04:31] Regardless of what brings you into therapy, we are here to help the two of you understand each other.
[00:04:37] You will learn tools to better communicate, eventually.
[00:04:41] It can take a lot of time to heal, reconnect, and/or effectively communicate.
[00:04:46] Oftentimes, we are unpacking subconscious childhood issues that have caused barriers in your current relationship.
[00:04:53] We are working on creating a level of trust that most likely neither of you have experienced before.
[00:04:59] So please be patient with the process, and don't expect immediate results.
[00:05:04] You may feel like your relationship is getting worse before it starts to feel better.
[00:05:09] I tell my clients that the process of counseling is often like the process of losing 20 pounds.
[00:05:15] In theory, it's easy, unless you work out more, unfortunately the process is often more challenging than the theory,
[00:05:23] and you both may find yourselves at a point in therapy when you are sore for days and have zero interest in returning to the gym because you are completely discouraged.
[00:05:33] We are complicated beings, and we need to be patient with ourselves and each other, as well as constantly give grace to the messy process.
[00:05:42] Expect a focus on the process in which the two of you relate to each other.
[00:05:46] Not a focus on the "he" said "she" said content of rehashing the same argument over and over again.
[00:05:52] This is because we are here to support you both in restructuring the way the two of you communicate and relate to each other in the bigger picture.
[00:06:01] Although content in arguments can be important, and sometimes what we discuss, it won't be the constant focal point because it truly gets us nowhere.
[00:06:11] You are not paying to have your therapist watch you argue.
[00:06:15] You will feel exposed.
[00:06:17] Couples therapy is a vulnerable process, and you may not always feel fully comfortable letting your guard down.
[00:06:23] This is normal, we will guide you.
[00:06:26] Expect to argue in front of your couple's therapist.
[00:06:29] It is okay to argue in front of your couple's therapist sometimes, and know that it's actually helpful for us to see how the two of you communicate.
[00:06:37] This is when we will often jump in to help slow things down and de-escalate the situation and help the two of you become more vulnerable.
[00:06:45] Expect the couple's therapist to interrupt you.
[00:06:48] Part of our job is to help hold you both lovingly accountable for your unconscious actions, as well as help the two of you process your emotions and pain effectively.
[00:06:58] We may interrupt you because we want to help the two of you discover your vulnerabilities.
[00:07:02] Not just sit with your defensiveness and unprocessed reactions.
[00:07:07] Expect to at least address physical intimacy.
[00:07:10] It's important to at least address this as it is a big part of your intimate relationship.
[00:07:15] A competent couple's therapist will at least ask questions about this part of your relationship even if we don't stay on the topic.
[00:07:22] It's important to know that intimacy and communication around intimacy is welcome in couples therapy.
[00:07:29] Expect to learn more about yourself and your partner.
[00:07:32] For better or worse, it will all be empowering in the end.
[00:07:37] Read flags that indicate you are not seeing the right couples therapist.
[00:07:41] The couples therapist just listens and never directs you to.
[00:07:45] The couples therapist is...
[00:07:47] never interrupts or helps the two of you de-escalate from heightened emotions or arguments.
[00:07:52] The couple's therapist doesn't help you both reframe conflict or help you see things from each other's different perspective.
[00:07:59] The couple's therapist doesn't spend equal time hearing both of you or address why they are spending more time with one person over the other strategically.
[00:08:08] The couple's therapist takes sides overtly.
[00:08:11] The couple's therapist never discusses intimacy even if intimacy is not an issue.
[00:08:16] The couple's therapist lets you drive every session.
[00:08:19] The couple's therapist never addresses the elephant in the room.
[00:08:27] You just listen to the Post titled What to Expect in Couples Therapy by Alicia Jainy of ModernLove reboot.
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[00:10:14] And thanks a lot to Alicia for this great post.
[00:10:19] To me, this is such a crucial post to feature on the show, because couples therapy can often have the same negative connotation or stigma around it as regular therapy does.
[00:10:29] Even healthy couples may choose couples therapy if they feel they could improve on important aspects of their relationship, such as communication.
[00:10:38] Couples do not attend therapy only because their relationship is on the brink of ending. Nor should they.
[00:10:44] And if more couples realized this, there would be much more comfort in going to therapy early on to at least check in with one another and get some tips on how to bring the relationship from strong to stronger.
[00:10:57] Fear of exposition or fear of therapy accelerating the end of a relationship only stands to harm their relationship, as these fears rely on keeping feelings withheld and trying to protect their relationship from challenges.
[00:11:11] Is couples therapy a necessity for a healthy relationship? No, absolutely not. But that isn't a reason to not consider attending, especially in the face of pressing issues.
[00:11:22] So, that wraps us up for today, everybody. Thanks for being here and thanks to Alicia for sharing another great post with us. I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did. I hope you can come to see couples therapy as a little less intimidating, and I hope you have a great rest of your day. I'll see you back here tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.