2494: The Broken Window Theory of Personal Relationships by Keith Wilson on Impact of Small Annoyances

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[00:01:05] This is Optimal Health Daily Episode 2494, the broken window theory of personal relationships

[00:01:11] by Keith Wilson of Keithwilsencounselling.com and I'm Dr. Neal.

[00:01:17] Hey and welcome to another bonus Sunday episode where I share an article from one of the other

[00:01:22] podcasts in our network. Today's post comes from Optimal Relationships Daily where articles covering

[00:01:28] all types of relationships are read to you every day so with that let's hear this one from Greg

[00:01:34] as we optimize your life. The broken window theory of personal relationships by Keith Wilson

[00:01:45] of Keithwilsencounselling.com. Go to any down in the heels, crime ridden, poverty stricken inner city

[00:01:52] and you are certain to find one thing. Lots and lots of broken windows. Most of these broken

[00:01:59] windows will be in abandoned buildings where no one appears to care and no one seems to be affected.

[00:02:05] Windows don't break on their own someone picked up a rock and winged it. It's fun if you've

[00:02:10] never done it, try it. Try it on your own window. Please don't do it in an abandoned building.

[00:02:16] Even though it may appear that no one is affected, people are. The presence of broken windows

[00:02:21] besides just looking bad and being a safety hazard with all that shattered glass around,

[00:02:26] signals that no one cares about the neighborhood. They advertise that minor laws can be broken

[00:02:32] with impunity. Someone else's property can be damaged and no one will stop you they say.

[00:02:37] Broken windows proclaim you can do what you want. Whatever feels good because the consequences

[00:02:42] don't matter, there are no consequences. There's no reason to be restrained, no cause for self-discipline,

[00:02:49] no rationale for the delay of gratification. Pick up whatever rock you want and chuck it. It's fun.

[00:02:56] The presence of broken windows can have a profound impact on the psychological health and social

[00:03:01] functioning of everyone in the area but you would never know that if you looked at the priorities of

[00:03:06] many police departments in many cities, they're more interested in going after the big crimes,

[00:03:12] murder, grand larceny, kidnapping, not in hassling kids chucking stones. However,

[00:03:19] it is those very kids chucking stones who grow up to be murderers, thieves and kidnappers

[00:03:24] when no one intervenes when they commit the petty crimes. It is for that reason that many of

[00:03:30] the smartest police departments have chosen to focus on quality of life issues like vandalism

[00:03:37] littering, fair dodging and loud music as well as major crimes. There is some evidence to believe

[00:03:43] that it makes a big difference. Some people have credited the Broken Window Theory of community

[00:03:48] policing for the dramatic turnaround that occurred in crime statistics over the past few years.

[00:03:54] Some others have blamed it for the poor relations that police departments have with the

[00:03:58] people they serve, people who are sick of being hassled and criminalized over trivial stuff.

[00:04:03] The Broken Window Theory has fallen into some disrepute as it's used to justify stop and frisk

[00:04:09] police tactics, vigilantism and as a cover for the blatant harvesting of fines. Then there are

[00:04:15] the critics who question the methodology of the studies that draw a link between Broken Window

[00:04:20] policing and the drop in crime. Nonetheless, I believe we can learn from the Broken Window Theory,

[00:04:26] both in its application and misapplication even if we are only people in personal relationships

[00:04:32] and not people charged with the law in order of great cities. If you were to apply the Broken

[00:04:38] Window Theory to your personal relationships, you would pay attention to the small annoyances

[00:04:43] before they get a chance to fester and corrode. If you let the little things go and then go crazy

[00:04:49] over the big things, then you can learn from the Broken Window Theory. Learn to intervene earlier

[00:04:55] before you lose it. Talk to your partner about what bothers you. Show respect, admiration

[00:05:01] and express gratitude. Practice simple civility. However, if you go after the small annoyances with

[00:05:08] the same assertiveness that you address the larger issues, then you're doing it wrong. In the same

[00:05:14] way that a police officer must deal with a murderer differently than a vandal, you should complain

[00:05:19] about infidelity differently than say the toilet seat. One requires decisive action. The other

[00:05:26] nuance, discretion, forgiveness and mercy. If the police are perceived as coming down too hard on

[00:05:32] the vandal or you are perceived as complaining too much, you both alienate the very people you

[00:05:37] are trying to enlist. There is a second misapplication of the Broken Window Theory to look out for.

[00:05:44] It is not the kid chucking rocks through windows that starts a neighborhood on its decline.

[00:05:49] He is only creating the symbol of that decline. The decline started when the building became

[00:05:55] abandoned in the first place. When the business relocated, when the banks redlined loans,

[00:06:01] when realtors busted blocks, when landlord stopped making repairs. Is anyone intervening then?

[00:06:07] Does anyone stop and frisk people in business suits? If not, then why go all fascist when a kid

[00:06:13] picks up a stone? Why does the kid get probation when the board of directors gets a raise?

[00:06:19] Similarly, in your personal relationships, that thing you are so annoyed about is seldom the

[00:06:24] beginning of the annoying chain of events. If you are angry that he doesn't put the toilet seat

[00:06:30] down for you, do you put it up for him? You do stuff too. If you are wondering if there are

[00:06:35] things that you do that are part of the problem, there are. If you're still wondering what they

[00:06:40] are, ask your partner. He or she will know better than you. The Broken Window Theory teaches us

[00:06:46] that small things matter, that there are consequences to our actions, both when we break a window

[00:06:52] and when we make a complaint. You just listen to the post titled The Broken Window Theory of

[00:07:02] Personal Relationships by Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounselling.com.

[00:07:08] Really great points made here by Keith today I always love his writing,

[00:07:12] a terrific analogy speaking to an important topic and I don't think the value of the lesson

[00:07:17] was lost on anyone. I particularly enjoyed the end and how he made the point to differentiate

[00:07:24] our approach when facing different degrees of relationship turmoil. This may feel instinctual,

[00:07:30] but we tend to forget how our punishments often fail to fit the crimes due to our own biases,

[00:07:36] our own histories, or pent up frustrations with particular problems. For example,

[00:07:42] if your husband never leaves the seat down and you've never said anything about it in spite of

[00:07:47] your ongoing frustration, it will be quite easy to let it all out at once and be enraged as though

[00:07:53] he had been on faithful or something of a higher magnitude. It's never too late to start,

[00:07:58] but when you do start, be mindful of what unresolved issues you may be addressing and be careful not

[00:08:04] to start off on the wrong foot by overblowing it. After all, your significant other is only

[00:08:08] hearing about this for the first time and may not even know it's a problem for you yet.

[00:08:13] So great content to start the week with from Keith useful for all relationships.

[00:08:17] This episode has come to a close though my friends. Thanks so much for being here as always

[00:08:23] and do be sure to come back tomorrow for the Tuesday show where I'll have more to read for you

[00:08:28] and where your optimal life awaits.