2542: Four Vital Things to Realize When You’re Fighting About 'The Kids' by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

[00:00:00] Have you ever noticed how a calm mind can really set the stage for a good night's sleep?

[00:00:04] That's the idea behind our new podcast, Good Sleep. Greg, our host from Optimal Relationships Daily,

[00:00:10] is here to help ease you into a peaceful night's rest with some positive affirmations.

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[00:00:34] and be sure to pick the one from Optimal Living Daily. This is Optimal Health Daily, Episode 2542,

[00:00:42] four vital things to realize when you're fighting about the kids by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of

[00:00:47] Dr.MargaretRutherford.com and I'm Dr. Neal. Hey there and welcome to another bonus Sunday

[00:00:54] episode where I'd like to share an article from a different podcast in our network and today's post

[00:00:59] comes from Optimal Relationships Daily where articles covering all types of relationships

[00:01:04] are read to you every day. So, with that let's hear this one from Greg as we optimize your life.

[00:01:15] Four vital things to realize when you're fighting about the kids by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

[00:01:20] of Dr. Margaret Rutherford.com

[00:01:24] Note, this post isn't meant to address more severe relationship issues such as intentional abuse

[00:01:30] or manipulation or divorced couples. Parenting is one of the toughest jobs in the world.

[00:01:36] There's no rehearsal, no interview process. You haven't a clue what it's going to be like

[00:01:41] and suddenly you're hired but you've picked out someone you trust wants to be there with

[00:01:46] you and do this parent thing the right way. Sure, before kids came along you found a few annoying

[00:01:53] things about your partner but those rolled off your back pretty well. The good far outweighed

[00:01:58] the annoying so he's a little loud and yells at the television or she spends a lot of her

[00:02:03] free time with her mother. You've loved each other and you believe you have a solid marriage

[00:02:07] firmly believing that when it's time we'll have kids and it'll be great.

[00:02:12] Annoyance turns into fear which morphs into defensiveness.

[00:02:16] So, you bring your first bundle of joy home let's call him Spencer and slowly but surely

[00:02:23] those very issues can rear their heads as virtual monsters. The things that were once tolerable

[00:02:29] suddenly seem intolerable. I need you to stop yelling at the TV. Spencer is starting to

[00:02:34] do it too. Your mother's always over here all weekend not only does she spoil Spencer

[00:02:39] I want to do things as a family just us on my days off. Not only do your partner's habits affect

[00:02:45] your life now you may likely fear how they'll affect your child's life instead of feeling

[00:02:51] closer as parents you may realize these differences reflect the way your own parents did things

[00:02:56] so it's normal for you or perhaps the opposite you are determined to not do it the way your

[00:03:02] parents did and then each of you gets defensive for example the Yeller might say

[00:03:08] my family always yelled a lot there's nothing wrong with that we express ourselves it's healthy

[00:03:14] if you're having mom over a lot you might say we're a close family we always had someone over at the

[00:03:20] house and aunt cousins our house stayed full of people all the time I have great memories growing

[00:03:26] up like that and so the debate begins debates can turn into arguments and perhaps your arguments

[00:03:33] can even get brutal how do you work together to make decisions about parenting and honor the fact

[00:03:38] that you two don't see things the same way parenting is a complicated marvelous frustrating

[00:03:44] boring and intriguing job so what does it take to compromise to listen and not be defensive

[00:03:51] when you're trying to work out your differences and beliefs about being a parent four important

[00:03:56] realizations to help calm the debate it's not easy but here are four guidelines number one

[00:04:04] realize most approaches to parenting have their strong points when used at the right time

[00:04:10] say someone can be overprotective or obsess about safety and that irritates you he may

[00:04:15] be the very parent who's going to notice on a family picnic that a hammock is being hung

[00:04:20] right over a sharp rock or perhaps you are the parent who's more lax not as vigilant in watching

[00:04:26] the kids that parent is the one who when little jamie is getting older going to argue that it's

[00:04:31] time for her to be allowed to go with friends alone to a game both brands of parenting can be

[00:04:37] right and each have their place it's dependent on the circumstances the trick is to realize

[00:04:43] what your own particular vulnerability is what you might underdo or overdo and realize

[00:04:49] that sometimes your instincts might be off base and your partner could be right on target

[00:04:56] you to balance each other out if you use respect and honesty in an attempt to discover that middle

[00:05:01] ground and what you may need to learn in the process number two appreciate and be grateful for

[00:05:08] your differences maybe your partner announces on a sunny saturday morning it's a gorgeous day

[00:05:14] let's take the kids for a hike but you'd planned chores for the day you could choose to

[00:05:19] argue about the value of teaching kids about chores and then they could respond that you

[00:05:24] don't know how to have fun anymore or both of you could take a minute and discuss it

[00:05:28] be aware and grateful for your differences and compromise number three realize that your

[00:05:35] children are better off because you two are different your kids can benefit from you

[00:05:40] both if you're not constantly fighting for control dramatic differences can be worked out

[00:05:46] everything from diverse religious views to academic preferences this kind of cooperation

[00:05:51] takes flexibility if you yourself are often a rigid or black and white thinker or have to

[00:05:57] be seen as right or your partnered with someone who is the control battle will be hard to avoid

[00:06:04] the more rigid person will either not allow the other person to parent to make choices or

[00:06:08] suggestions or will be highly critical of them if they do i don't put the diapers on like that

[00:06:15] why are you letting him stay in the tub for so long she doesn't like her sandwiches like that

[00:06:19] this kind of micro management of your partner is not only disrespectful but you're setting an

[00:06:24] unhealthy example for those kids who are hearing everything you say number four manage your

[00:06:30] own insecurity parenting is the most ambiguous task you'll ever do none of us know for

[00:06:37] certain what the outcome will be as long as they feel safe and loved the majority of children will

[00:06:43] thrive nobody is perfect and you'll make parenting mistakes if you're concerned about your perceived

[00:06:49] failings talk to friends go to a therapist whatever you need to do to get yourself to a

[00:06:54] place where you're comfortable in your decision making there are some wonderful books about

[00:06:59] calming down your communication that i'd highly recommend one is the four agreements

[00:07:04] the other how to improve your marriage without talking about it you just listen to the post titled

[00:07:14] four vital things to realize when you're fighting about the kids by dr margaret rutherford of Dr

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[00:08:29] need to hire you need indeed another wonderful piece from dr margaret today which we thank her for

[00:08:37] i think it's so important how she highlighted the different benefits that can come from the

[00:08:41] many ways in which one might approach parenting it's really great to be respectful of this

[00:08:46] whether or not you're co-parenting and with this in mind i might invite parents to not only

[00:08:52] acknowledge the advantages and how their partners might think differently but also work together

[00:08:57] to discover scenarios in which it might be best for one another to take the lead is the overly

[00:09:02] analytical parent best suited for helping the child pick a college is the minimalist parent maybe

[00:09:07] the one who should teach the child about spending and finances co-parenting doesn't always have

[00:09:13] to mean both parents sharing equal parts of each situation you know rather if necessary it can mean

[00:09:20] having mindful conversation about how and when each parent's strengths can be leveraged for the best

[00:09:26] of the child and on that note we're going to wrap up i'm so glad you guys joined me for this one

[00:09:31] and i hope you come on back tomorrow where we will look at another parenting post this time

[00:09:35] from mindbender.co who we tend to hear more from on other shows in the network

[00:09:39] but they've got some great insight for us on pregnancy and how that period can influence your

[00:09:43] child's genes all that tomorrow where your optimal life awaits