2662: What Do I Do if Someone I Love Commits Suicide by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on The Grieving Process

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Health Daily Episode 2662. What Do I Do If Someone I Love Commits Suicide by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of Dr. Margaret Rutherford.com and I'm Dr. Neal Malik.

[00:00:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Hey there and welcome to another bonus Sunday episode where I share an article from one of the other podcasts in our network.

[00:00:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Today's post comes from Optimal Relationships Daily, where articles covering all types of relationships are read to you every day.

[00:00:28] [SPEAKER_00]: So with that, here's an article from Greg as we optimize your life.

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_01]: What do I do if someone I love commits suicide by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of Dr. Margaret Rutherford.com?

[00:00:46] [SPEAKER_01]: Someone you love chose to end their life. The pain you're experiencing feels unbearable and unending.

[00:00:51] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they left a note. Maybe you knew why they were in agony, struggling with inner demons or with harsh realities of severe physical or mental illness.

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_01]: Or maybe you didn't. Sometimes you're unbearably lost, sometimes angry, sometimes so sad you can barely move.

[00:01:09] [SPEAKER_01]: You likely hate what they did, or wish there had been another way for them to cope with their struggles.

[00:01:14] [SPEAKER_01]: Or you can't understand why they made the choice that they did. If you found them, that's further trauma that can bring nightmares or flashbacks of that moment and the ones that came in its wake.

[00:01:25] [SPEAKER_01]: Therapy is often necessary because you need to talk about exactly what happened, what you saw, what you heard, what you experienced.

[00:01:33] [SPEAKER_01]: Yet you still have to put one foot in front of the other as you learn to live without them.

[00:01:37] [SPEAKER_01]: Even people who's loved one's die unexpectedly, not at their own hands, often have to deal with anger.

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_01]: But with suicide it's not just anger, it's an appalling sadness and a tremendous burden to deal with feelings that other deaths don't evoke.

[00:01:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Was I not important enough to them? Did they not feel that we could face things together? Could I have done anything else? Did I fail them somehow? Am I to blame?

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_01]: If you had children together, the helplessness you feel may be even more potent. You're struggle with how to help the children cope.

[00:02:12] [SPEAKER_01]: They'll often have the same questions that you did, wondering if they weren't important enough for the parent to keep living.

[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_01]: They may also harbor deep fears about themselves, concern that they might inherit the propensity for suicide or the mental health issues that led up to it.

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_01]: It's vital to work through those feelings as you try to answer those questions. You were important.

[00:02:33] [SPEAKER_01]: He or she could not face whatever plagued them. Some answers you can only find with time. So what do you do? The answer is certainly not simple.

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Dr. Alex Lickerman gives us reasons why people attempt suicide, citing six reasons for suicide.

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Depression, psychosis, hearing voices that will tell you to kill yourself, crying for help,

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_01]: impulsivity, a philosophical decision to die and making a mistake such as not realizing what taking a bottle of Tylenol will do to your body.

[00:03:06] [SPEAKER_01]: I would add to his list that there are secrets that might have been kept. Maybe those secrets have come to light,

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_01]: as has been the case with the suicides from the Ashley Madison list a few years ago, or they have become too hard to bear,

[00:03:18] [SPEAKER_01]: as in addictions or financial fraud. But the last is one that perfectionism researchers have been warning for several years,

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_01]: and is becoming more recognized in our culture and others, that the perfect looking life can disguise tremendous loneliness and despair.

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_01]: So where do you find peace? How can you find compassion when your loved one's choice has changed your life unalterably?

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_01]: How do you tolerate the guilt that you inevitably feel? It takes time to grieve,

[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_01]: to work through each and every one of these emotions as one minute rolls into the next.

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Feelings will come in waves, receding and then washing over you again, dragging you into blackness,

[00:04:00] [SPEAKER_01]: then recede once more. Your emotions will be mixed, fear, anger, despair, bewilderment, all our normal and will likely come and go.

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_01]: You can get stuck in one of those emotions, however, and that is when you might need help.

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_01]: NANDS STORY might help. NANDS CISTER KILD herself. They'd grown up in an abusive and chaotic home.

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_01]: NAND became a rule follower. Her sister was an alcoholic and fought many addictions,

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_01]: and yet they'd always shared a deep bond. So when NAND came into my office, she very eloquently described her confusion.

[00:04:35] [SPEAKER_01]: She said, I always knew my sister was there as if she and I were holding an invisible rope.

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_01]: I would tug she would tug back. We could get through anything. Now it's like she dropped her end.

[00:04:48] [SPEAKER_01]: I tug on it and no one is there. No one tugs back. I don't know how to go on living.

[00:04:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Do I keep holding my end? Do I drop it? Do I put it away?

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_01]: Questions very difficult to answer, and her answers came only with time.

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_01]: If you have thoughts of hurting or killing yourself, or know someone who does, please don't discount them.

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_01]: There are many people who have never had these thoughts. Never. Tell someone who will listen and help.

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_01]: Your doctor, your pastor, a therapist, your partner or a friend. There are crisis hotlines all over our country and in many countries.

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_01]: Community mental health clinics whose job it is to respond to emergencies and free health clinics available for those in need.

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_01]: You just listen to the post titled, what do I do if someone I love commits suicide?

[00:05:42] [SPEAKER_01]: By Dr. Margaret Rutherford of Dr. Margaret Rutherford.com

[00:05:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Thanks so much to Dr. Margaret who we can always trust to touch upon various serious matters and an extremely enlightened, compassionate, and educated manner.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_01]: As she said, there really is not a magic elixir to this type of pain.

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_01]: Are the feelings you're facing all natural and understandable? Of course they are.

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_01]: It can you turn back time and help the love one that you lost, of course you can't, but can you heal? Of course you can.

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_01]: But just like with then, the particular answers you need will inevitably take time to find.

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_01]: And during that time, the best thing you can do is seek help and be willing to lean into challenging feelings rather than trying to dismiss them.

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_01]: In doing so, they gradually lose their menacing power. You're able to come to more understanding and maintain balance in your life much faster.

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_01]: All because you took the initial brave step of embracing the wave of pain as it comes and goes rather than trying to stifle it or ignore it.

[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_01]: Unfortunately, answers to many of life's toughest problems don't present themselves so quickly, but there are still a host of people ready and willing to support you in the meantime.

[00:06:52] [SPEAKER_01]: So take Dr. Margaret's advice at the end and do start by reaching out and just see where it takes you.

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_01]: And that will do it for today, everyone. Thanks for being strong and patient during this episode as we tackle day really difficult but necessary subject.

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it helped you or maybe it helps you to help someone else who is in the situation.

[00:07:11] [SPEAKER_01]: Either way, I hope you all took something from this one as I did. We're going to wrap up now, but come on back tomorrow as we start our parenting leg of the week.

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_01]: Focus on those relationships and as always, where you're optimal life awaits.