2686: Can’t Switch Gears - Helping Kids Transition by Adina Soclof of Parenting Simply on Patience & Communication

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[00:00:38] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Health Daily. Can't Switch Gears, Helping Kids Transition by Adina Soclof of

[00:00:45] [SPEAKER_00]: ParentingSimply.com and I'm Dr. Neal. Hello and welcome to another bonus Sunday episode

[00:00:51] [SPEAKER_00]: where I'd like to share an article from a different podcast in our network and today's

[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_00]: post comes from Optimal Relationships Daily where articles covering all types of relationships

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_00]: are read to you every day. So with that, let's hear this one from Greg as we optimize your life.

[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_01]: Can't Switch Gears, Helping Kids Transition by Adina Soclof of ParentingSimply.com

[00:01:19] [SPEAKER_01]: When my kids were little and I first read the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary

[00:01:24] [SPEAKER_01]: Sheedy Kirchenka, I wanted to cry in relief. All four of my kids are introverted, two are pretty

[00:01:32] [SPEAKER_01]: sensitive, one was extremely persistent. When Kirchenka described each of the temperaments,

[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_01]: it was as if she was writing about at least one of my kids. When I read the chapter on the

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_01]: temperamental trait of adaptability, I felt as if she was living in my house.

[00:01:48] [SPEAKER_01]: Anytime my family had to transition from one activity to another,

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_01]: or as Kirchenka says, adapt, it was rough. From playtime to bath time, from getting dressed to

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_01]: brushing teeth, from getting into the car to getting out of the car, it was not fun. It did

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_01]: not help that I had problems adapting too. Most young kids have a tough time with transitions

[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_01]: or adaptability. This trait can also contribute to parents feeling that their child is stubborn,

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_01]: or as we learned in a previous article, persistent. In this post, as in our previous post where

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_01]: we spoke about the different temperamental traits of introversion, extroversion, intensity,

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_01]: persistence and perceptiveness, and how to manage them, we will talk about the best strategies

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_01]: to deal with the temperamental trait of adaptability. Adaptability

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_01]: Adaptability is the ability to make smooth transitions. As we mentioned before,

[00:02:41] [SPEAKER_01]: some children and adults cannot move from one activity to another.

[00:02:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Change is very difficult for them. They have trouble shifting gears. It can be exhausting

[00:02:49] [SPEAKER_01]: for parents and kids too. In the Explosive Child, author Ross Green refers to the inability to adapt

[00:02:57] [SPEAKER_01]: as difficulties in the domains of flexibility and frustration tolerance. It is a major cause of

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_01]: tantrums and explosive behavior. Quote, an explosive outburst like other forms of

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_01]: maladaptive behavior occurs when the cognitive demands being placed upon a person

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_01]: outstrip that person's capacity to respond adaptively. A substantial number of them,

[00:03:18] [SPEAKER_01]: the unlucky ones, explode. The criers are the lucky ones because we adults tend to take things far

[00:03:24] [SPEAKER_01]: less personally and respond far more empathetically to children who cry than we do to children who

[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_01]: explode, even though the two behaviors emanate from the same source. End quote. It's tough

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_01]: to manage life with children who have difficulty adapting, especially nowadays when we always seem

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_01]: to be going somewhere. But these children teach you to be organized and plan ahead.

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER_01]: They like routines and can stick for a long time to one task. We all know adults like this.

[00:03:52] [SPEAKER_01]: These are the planners, the well-organized, the people who you want in your carpool group.

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_01]: The triggers for bad behavior in this domain are being rushed, surprises, and changes of plans.

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_01]: We can help children manage their feelings by giving them words to describe themselves,

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_01]: such as, you don't like to change, you like to be organized,

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_01]: you need to know what to expect, and you like routines and plans. It is helpful if we identify

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_01]: transitions and use the word transition to describe to our kids what is happening. We can also train

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_01]: them to look for transition times. Kids need their feelings affirmed while they are moving

[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_01]: through a transition. We could say, rushing is stressful for you. You weren't expecting that.

[00:04:38] [SPEAKER_01]: Surprises are too much. And it is hard to leave. To help your kids cooperate, you can

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_01]: allow extra time for transitions, establish routines and avoid surprises, give five to

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_01]: ten minute warnings, limit transitions and over-scheduling, help children refocus on their

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_01]: next activity, younger children need a concrete idea of time, and use imagination, like saying,

[00:05:05] [SPEAKER_01]: let's pretend we're airplanes and it's time for takeoff. Problem solving with kids is also helpful.

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_01]: You thought I was going to take you, and I am only taking Jason. What could we do to make

[00:05:15] [SPEAKER_01]: you feel better? Is there something you could take with you to help you? What do you need

[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_01]: to finish before you are ready to leave? How many minutes do you need to finish what

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_01]: you need to do? These kids need to be praised every time they move through a transition

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_01]: successfully. You came right when I called, even though you were in the middle of your

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_01]: favorite game. Mom told me you went on three errands with her, the bakery, the shoe store

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_01]: and the gas station. You had your book on tape with you and that really helped.

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_01]: These children also need to be freed from the following negative roles,

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_01]: stubborn slash stable, impossible slash likes routines, and bullish slash focused.

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_01]: If you the parent are slow to adapt, schedule enough time to regroup between

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_01]: errands and activities, plan ahead, laugh at yourself and talk yourself through transitions.

[00:06:10] [SPEAKER_01]: You just listened to the post titled Can't Switch Gears Helping Kids Transition

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_01]: by Adina Sokloff of ParentingSimply.com. And thanks a lot to Adina for this great write-up.

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_01]: Definitely a post that helps bring understanding and clarity to

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_01]: an often frustrating part of parenting. I think what I like most about this

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_01]: article was her problem-solving segment. We've talked a lot on our parenting episodes about the

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_01]: value in hearing kids out, letting them have a say and getting them comfortable with a sense of

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_01]: independence and being treated like an adult. It's great to see that on display again here.

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Obviously as parents we have to retain a sense of authority, but if you're helping your child

[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_01]: through a tough transition and you ask them what they need for a situation to be easier

[00:06:55] [SPEAKER_01]: next time, hear them out. And if they make an unreasonable request, keep looking for compromises.

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_01]: It's in moments like those that it's essential to not say, I gave you a chance and you blew it.

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_01]: Keep being patient and look to find a middle ground, reminding them that you love them

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_01]: and that you too are partners, trying to figure out what's best for both of you.

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_01]: In a situation like this, language, tone and overall patience go an incredibly long way,

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER_01]: with less regard to the age of the child than you might expect.

[00:07:29] [SPEAKER_01]: But that's going to do it for now everyone. Parents, I hope you took something from this

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_01]: episode and yesterday's Parenting Post as well if you checked it out. We're going to be back

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_01]: tomorrow with another Q&A episode as we usually are on Saturdays so be sure to come on back

[00:07:42] [SPEAKER_01]: again and listen to that one where we will help out one of your fellow listeners with a

[00:07:46] [SPEAKER_01]: personal relationship question and where your optimal life awaits.