2692: Q&A - How Do I Help My Overweight Brother - How to Give Health Advice

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[00:00:35] [SPEAKER_00]: the one from Optimal Living Daily. It's another Q&A edition of Optimal Health Daily, and I'm Dr.

[00:00:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Neal Malik. Hey there, happy Friday and welcome to another Q&A edition of Optimal Health Daily,

[00:00:47] [SPEAKER_00]: where I answer your health questions related to fitness, diet and nutrition, and lots more.

[00:00:53] [SPEAKER_00]: You send in the questions and I answer them for you. Now, once a month, usually during the first

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Q&A episode of the month, like today, I mention a bit about my background and credentials so you

[00:01:04] [SPEAKER_00]: can better understand where my perspectives come from. And again, given this is the first Q&A of

[00:01:09] [SPEAKER_00]: the month, it's time for that. So, while I had always been obsessed with Batman, I wasn't always

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_00]: obsessed with nutrition, exercise and health and wellness, but that all changed. Being diagnosed

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_00]: with a chronic disease at the age of 19 definitely changed my life's purpose. It was then I decided

[00:01:28] [SPEAKER_00]: to focus my attention on helping others, so no one else had to experience a chronic disease

[00:01:33] [SPEAKER_00]: diagnosis like I did. Now, in order to do that, I wanted to have some credibility. Now, this is not

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_00]: meant to be a humble brag, I promise, but instead, I want to be sure I gain your trust. So, I received

[00:01:45] [SPEAKER_00]: both my master's and doctoral degrees in public health. And to really be sure I covered all of my

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_00]: bases, hey, baseball reference, I also became a registered dietician nutritionist, a certified

[00:01:57] [SPEAKER_00]: health education specialist and a certified exercise physiologist at the American College of

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Sports Medicine. I've been teaching in higher education for a long time now, and I'm currently

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_00]: faculty within the California State University system. I've also published peer-reviewed studies,

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_00]: presented at national conferences and have been interviewed by over 70 different media outlets

[00:02:19] [SPEAKER_00]: for my expertise on basically all the things I discuss on this podcast. So, all of this to say

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: that when I provide my commentary after each episode and answer the questions on Fridays that

[00:02:31] [SPEAKER_00]: you send in, I hope you feel as though it's coming from a place of truth. My only intention is to help

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_00]: you feel your best. All right, now that we've covered that, let's finally hear today's question

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_00]: as we optimize your life. Today's question came via email. Pionar writes, Hi there, my brother is

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_00]: three years older than I am. He currently weighs 160 kilograms or about 350 pounds and has very high

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_00]: blood pressure and is a potential diabetes candidate. He has been overweight pretty much his

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_00]: entire life. As a family, we have tried to support him and we've tried to help him change his mindset

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_00]: about his body and his health, but he has resisted any support or outside help and is on a very

[00:03:19] [SPEAKER_00]: dangerous path. My question to you is, what can we do to help him? What can we do to get him to feel

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_00]: that the weight loss journey and living a healthier life is his idea and to help him commit to a long-term

[00:03:34] [SPEAKER_00]: goal? Kind regards. Thank you so much for the question, Pionar. It sounds like you really care about

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_00]: your brother's health and that's super admirable. It can get frustrating to try and help someone that

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER_00]: may not share the same enthusiasm that you have for their own health and wellness.

[00:03:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Now, it's taken me a while to realize this, but I found that when someone is really close to someone

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_00]: else or cares a lot for them, you may be more invested in their health than they are. Again,

[00:04:05] [SPEAKER_00]: that's okay because it means you care. And even though your brother may not share the same

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_00]: enthusiasm for their own health that you do, that's okay too. It's just because their priorities

[00:04:16] [SPEAKER_00]: are different. And you know what that means? It just means they're human. But don't give up on

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_00]: your brother. So let's take a step back and think about it this way. There's a lot that has to happen

[00:04:28] [SPEAKER_00]: in order for someone to actually take someone else's advice to heart. Think about the last time

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_00]: someone took your advice. Now, not just health advice, any advice. Maybe you were asked by a

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_00]: friend about how to help them with their relationship with their partner or where and

[00:04:46] [SPEAKER_00]: how to invest their money or whether they should apply to a new job, whatever. Really think about it.

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_00]: When you were providing your advice to them, did they make eye contact with you? Did they actually

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_00]: listen? Or did they just argue with you the whole time? Most importantly, by the end of the

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_00]: conversation, did they actually follow your advice? Okay, now think of it this way. When was the last

[00:05:10] [SPEAKER_00]: time you acted on someone else's advice? When you did actually take someone else's advice and follow

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_00]: their advice, what was it about their message that convinced you to do so? Again, I'm talking about

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_00]: any behavior, not just a health behavior. Really think about it. The simple act of listening to

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_00]: someone else tell you what to do automatically makes us feel as if we're less than. We have to

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_00]: admit that we are flawed somehow and now we need to improve. This is not something that's easy for

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_00]: our egos to admit. Then let's say you're the advice giver and you actually have the other person's

[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_00]: attention and they're actually listening and not interrupting and you're talking about why they

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: should be following a healthy lifestyle. You may find they argue with you and they say things in

[00:06:00] [SPEAKER_00]: response to your arguments like, oh it's easier for you to follow a healthy lifestyle because you

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_00]: enjoy working out or it's easier for you because you're younger than me or it's easier because

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_00]: you don't suffer from such and such ailment or you have more time than I do. Look, I've heard all of

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_00]: these reasons but the trick to responding is this. When you're having this conversation with them,

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_00]: try not to get defensive. Don't engage in the argument. Don't say things like, hey bro I

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_00]: understand, I'm busy too. Instead, let them vent. Let them talk about why this won't work for them.

[00:06:41] [SPEAKER_00]: It's okay. Just listen. But then ask follow-up questions. If they say something like, well of

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_00]: course you see results because you actually enjoy all of this healthy stuff, you can respond with,

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_00]: you're right I do enjoy this but what can I do to help you enjoy this too? So instead of trying

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_00]: to get them to understand you, you listen and understand them first. Ask them about their goals

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: in life. They might have a witty response and say something like, well my goal is to get you off my

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_00]: back or my goal is to be able to sit in a hammock all day drinking martinis. Of course you can

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_00]: chuckle at their cheesy jokes but bring them back to reality and ask, okay so after I get off your

[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_00]: back or after you sit in your hammock all day drinking martinis, what will you do the rest of

[00:07:30] [SPEAKER_00]: the day? Now here's why this approach is so important. You're giving them a choice. By giving them a

[00:07:36] [SPEAKER_00]: choice, you're not telling them what to do. You're making it clear that you care about them as a

[00:07:41] [SPEAKER_00]: person. You care about their goals and understand their needs before you give advice. This starts to

[00:07:47] [SPEAKER_00]: break down any resistance they may be feeling. Now even after all of this, it may not work. They may

[00:07:54] [SPEAKER_00]: still seem uninterested. So you could say something like, I understand that a lifestyle change doesn't

[00:07:59] [SPEAKER_00]: sound all that great but may I share something with you? Notice you don't go right into all the

[00:08:05] [SPEAKER_00]: reasons why they must start a diet and lose weight right this very second. Instead you ask permission

[00:08:10] [SPEAKER_00]: to share your thoughts. By doing this, it empowers the other person and makes them feel like you

[00:08:16] [SPEAKER_00]: actually care. You want to know what they're thinking. So after they give you permission to

[00:08:22] [SPEAKER_00]: share your thoughts and they will almost always say yes when you ask, you can express how much

[00:08:27] [SPEAKER_00]: you care about them. You can express why this conversation means a lot to you. Now think about

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_00]: how this approach differs from what your brother has likely heard from everyone else up until this

[00:08:38] [SPEAKER_00]: point. In my experience, individuals like your brother have probably heard the same lecture from

[00:08:44] [SPEAKER_00]: others, especially their health care providers, about how they need to change their lifestyle

[00:08:48] [SPEAKER_00]: as soon as possible or face the consequences. But if you ask them about their motivations and how

[00:08:54] [SPEAKER_00]: they feel about the process, now they're not just taking orders from you. They're involved.

[00:09:01] [SPEAKER_00]: They're the decision maker. It's their life after all. They don't have to follow your advice. By

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_00]: doing this, you show you really care and aren't just going to be one more person that tells them

[00:09:11] [SPEAKER_00]: what to do and how to live. Now the other thing I'll mention is that the reason so many are

[00:09:16] [SPEAKER_00]: hesitant to incorporate healthier habits is because they fear they will be losing something.

[00:09:22] [SPEAKER_00]: They may be afraid that they will have to lose all of their favorite foods and eat foods that

[00:09:28] [SPEAKER_00]: don't taste good. They'll have to give up some of their precious time to do something really

[00:09:33] [SPEAKER_00]: uncomfortable like exercise. So it feels like a lot of sacrifice. To get past this, encourage your

[00:09:39] [SPEAKER_00]: brother to make a pros and cons list. Now don't call it a pros and cons list. Maybe come up with

[00:09:45] [SPEAKER_00]: a catchier name, something that sounds a little more gentle. But basically ask him to first write

[00:09:51] [SPEAKER_00]: down the reasons why following his old habits is beneficial in the short term, like over the next

[00:09:57] [SPEAKER_00]: six months. Then ask him why following his old habits is beneficial over the long term, like

[00:10:03] [SPEAKER_00]: the next five years. What will be the consequences of doing the same thing that they're doing over and

[00:10:09] [SPEAKER_00]: over again? Then have him write down why following a healthier lifestyle would be beneficial over the

[00:10:16] [SPEAKER_00]: long term. Now notice how we ended on the positive. We ended on why changing habits would be a good

[00:10:23] [SPEAKER_00]: thing. Focus the conversation on that side of the list. The bottom line is this. Show your brother

[00:10:31] [SPEAKER_00]: that you are there for them and that you simply care. Turn the traditional discussion on its head.

[00:10:37] [SPEAKER_00]: By asking your brother to express their motivations and what they hope to achieve will motivate and

[00:10:43] [SPEAKER_00]: empower them. Now even if this doesn't work right away and you still get resistance or if they don't

[00:10:49] [SPEAKER_00]: seem interested, don't give up on them. Every so often, gently come back to this discussion. And

[00:10:56] [SPEAKER_00]: again, don't give up on them. Thank you so much again for the question, Pioneer. Don't forget,

[00:11:05] [SPEAKER_00]: you can send me a question by emailing one to health at oldpodcast.com or if you want your

[00:11:12] [SPEAKER_00]: voice heard on the show, come by oldpodcast.com slash ask. Right on that page, you can record

[00:11:19] [SPEAKER_00]: your question straight from your computer's microphone. It's really easy. You can even play

[00:11:24] [SPEAKER_00]: back your message and do retakes before sending it in. Or you can do it the old-fashioned way and

[00:11:30] [SPEAKER_00]: call in your question. The number is 61 I love OHD. In the meantime, that's it for today's episode.

[00:11:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for listening every day. Thank you for listening all the way through.

[00:11:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for sharing this show with someone. I hope you have a wonderful start to your weekend

[00:11:46] [SPEAKER_00]: and I'll see you back here tomorrow for the Saturday show and where your optimal life awaits.